


Strings That Tie To You

by mercymain (antivanarmada)



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Cunnilingus, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Hand Jobs, Love Triangles, M/M, Oral Sex, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, we've got a lot of italicized words, we've got a lot of smirks and laughing, we've got emotional shit, we've got it all kiddos, we've got magical shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2018-11-23 01:49:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 59,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11392836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antivanarmada/pseuds/mercymain
Summary: It's a pretty classic story. Boy loves girl, girl loves someone else. But life isn't always that simple. So what happens when one kiss with the farmer he loves throws Sebastian's life all out of focus?---Any comments/kudos would clear my skin and water my crops.





	1. Chapter 1

Sebastian didn't really enjoy being around people. That fact would hardly come as a surprise to anyone who knew him. Being around other people had this way of subconsciously draining all of his energy and sense of peace, and it's not like he had much of that to start with. It didn't matter if it was neighbors he had known his whole life, family members, even his closest friends; when faced with the option to interact with someone else or wall himself off and be on his own, he would almost always choose the latter.

And yet here he was, painstakingly watching the clock in his bedroom, anxious for the sun to go down so that he could go to a party. A party that would require a hike through the woods to get to, where his entire family and practically the entire town would be in attendance. By all rights, Sebastian should be full of anxiety and looking for any possible excuse not to go. And yet, he was brimming with excitement and had actually caught himself _smiling_ multiple times while getting ready. So why was tonight so different from any of the annual town festivals that he always dreaded?

He stuck his hand into his pocket to rub his thumb over the cool and smooth surface of the obsidian stone she had given him months ago. "Killian," he thought, another smile making its way across his face.

\---

She treated his room like she lived there too. Sebastian was always finding things she had absentmindedly left behind on his desk, his table, the floor, and everywhere else. She had no concept of knocking, and would often come in and make herself at home like it was the most natural thing in the world. More than once he had come back home from an evening out with Sam or smoking by the lake to find her asleep on his couch, only to wake up and ask why he'd been out so late, because, "I had something really funny to tell you, so I figured I'd just hang out here until you came back!" Sometimes he would roll out of bed in the morning only to find that she'd already come by, leaving a note and sometimes a small gift by his bedside table.

Every time something like that happened, Sebastian would feel a surge of happiness and hope. Because that had to mean that she loved him too, right? Because to be perfectly clear about it, and Sebastian had no intention of saying this out loud to _anyone ever_ , but he was debilitatingly in love with the beautiful, erratic, and outgoing farmer. He’d loved her for a long time now, at least since the fall of her first year here. But now she’d been living in the valley for four years and had never made a move. Clearly any thought of her being interested in him was a mistake on his part. After all, it was no secret that she had been dating Shane for a while, and so of course everyone in town had been placing bets for months about when they were going to get married.

To be fair though, Killian had dated a lot of people in town. In her four years in the valley she had gone out with Sam, Abby, Elliott, Alex, and even Maru. Sebastian would be lying if he pretended that the fact that Killian had been interested in his two best friends and his _sister_ , but not him, didn’t cut him deep. But he couldn’t be mad at her for it. Hell, no one could. People liked her; screw that, the whole town loved her, and even after they broke up none of her exes had anything bad to say about her.

As he anxiously fidgeted with his hair and outfit in the mirror, Sebastian heard feet running down the steps towards his bedroom and turned to see Maru come through the door.

“Hey Seb, we’re leaving now!” she said cheerily. “Whoah, you look sharp!”

Sebastian blushed a little bit, not good at receiving compliments. “Uh, thanks. You too?”

It seems that both siblings had put a little more thought into their appearance than usual, with Sebastian wearing a new dark red button down shirt he had bought in Zuzu City, and with Maru wearing a yellow sweater dress that Robin had bought for her to wear to a robotics expo a few months back. Maru smiled at his awkward attempt at brotherly support and flitted back up the stairs, clearly eager to see Killian again. They had dated briefly over a year ago, but Sebastian wasn’t blind. He could see that Maru was still holding onto her feelings for the farmer. With a sigh and one last look at his sliver of obsidian before shoving it back in his pocket, Sebastian headed upstairs.

\---

Robin, Demetrius, and Maru were all standing in the front room waiting for him. Robin was leaning back against the shop’s counter adjusting Demetrius’ collar when she saw Sebastian walk in. She immediately stood up and rushed over, and suddenly she was moving strands of hair away from his eyes and cupping his face in her hands.

“Sebby, I can’t believe it! Is that a new shirt?! And did you actually wash your pants? Yoba, you look so nice!”

Sebastian darted backwards, his embarrassment doing nothing to help his irritation. Demetrius, for some reason, felt like chiming in as well.

“Nice to see you out of that ratty sweatshirt for once, kid,” he said with a laugh.

And that was it for Sebastian.

“Cool, I’m leaving now. See you there,” he said icily. Before Robin could stop him and try to make him stay, Sebastian had crossed the room and opened the front door, slamming it behind him. Crossing his arms in front of him and letting out a few curse words for good measure, he hurried towards the mountain pass ahead of his family, glancing behind a few times to make sure they weren’t following him. If he had to be around people for an entire evening, he was damned if he was going to be fussed at the whole walk over.

But he couldn’t stay mad for long. All he had to think was that every step was taking him closer to Killian, and then he was back to smiling like an idiot all over again. And in that moment he promised himself that tonight was the last time he was going to talk to Killian, make her laugh, be close to her, and leave without telling her that she was the only thing that made life beautiful for him anymore. Even if she didn’t love him, he loved her.

And she deserved to finally know that.


	2. Chapter 2

Glasses clinking, loud laughter, the low beat of music humming underneath it all. The party was evidently already in full swing by the time Sebastian made his way up the porch steps to Killian’s front door. Uncertain and increasingly aware of the growing pit in his stomach, he stood with his hand hovering over the doorknob, unable to step inside.

 

“What the fuck is my problem,” he grumbled, hating how nervous he was, how his anxiety flared up whenever he was in a crowd, how he was getting so worked up over a girl who definitely didn't get this worked up over him. “Just gotta do it.”

 

Deciding against just barging in the front door, Sebastian knocked a couple times and waited for Killian to come out. While he stood on the porch, he turned around to look at her farm.

 

The land was in a hilly area, an offshoot of the mountain that Sebastian’s house was built on. You would think that it would be better for a farm to be on flat green earth, not a series of plateaus jutting out from cliff edges and with a river cutting through it. Still, Killian clearly made the most of it. Sebastian was struck by the fact that in all Killian’s years here, he had only been to her farm once. How was that possible?

 

Suddenly the front door opened and the porch was flooded with light. Sebastian turned to find himself face to face with...Shane.

 

To his credit, Shane looked as unenthused to see Sebastian as Sebastian was to see him. Raising his eyebrows and taking a swig of his beer, Shane stepped out of the doorway and motioned for Sebastian to walk through.  

 

\---

 

Was there anything worse in this world than getting to a party before any of your friends show up? Probably, but it didn’t feel that way. Standing in a corner in the kitchen, Sebastian scanned the house desperately for anybody that he wanted to talk to.

 

Sam and Abigail hadn’t arrived yet, and he was still determined to avoid his family. They had shown up a few minutes behind him and were now chatting with Jodi and Kent.

 

Meanwhile, Killian hadn’t seen him come in. She had been absorbed in conversation on the farthest side of her living room and hadn’t looked up once. She was in the middle of some sort of story that was captivating Harvey, Clint, and Emily. Sebastian smiled to himself as he watched her wave her arms around and laugh deeply.

 

Sebastian didn’t want to seem like the stereotypical creepy loner staring at a pretty girl from across the room, but he couldn’t help it. There was nothing else to do, and watching Killian was hardly torture.

 

Her curly hair was kept up in the same double buns that they were almost always in, pulling all attention towards her face. She had dark brown eyes, a button nose, and full lips that drew him in whenever she was talking. Her brown skin was covered all over with freckles. Sebastian’s breath caught in his throat just looking at her, and he could feel his face starting to flush. She was wearing an emerald green sundress with a long black cardigan over it, and Sebastian couldn’t stop stealing glances at her legs and the hint of cleavage at the edge of her neckline.

 

Almost as if she could feel his attention on her, Killian suddenly looked up and locked eyes with Sebastian from across the room. A wide grin lit up her whole face and she waved. “ _One second!”_ she mouthed at him, before turning back to her captivated audience.

 

Sebastian watched as she wrapped up her conversation with the others and took their empty glasses from them, holding them close to her chest as she snaked her way through her packed house. And then there she was, standing right in front of him, beaming and beautiful.

 

“Hey,” Sebastian said, suddenly losing all the nerve he had managed to work up on the walk over.

 

“Hey yourself!” she replied, before motioning to a staircase tucked away at the edge of the kitchen and holding up the empty glasses.

 

“Come on, come help me with this.”

 

She darted down the stairs and Sebastian followed, looking back to see if Shane was anywhere nearby before closing the door behind them.

 

The basement was chilly, and the strong smell of alcohol made Sebastian screw up his nose. He looked all around to observe the kegs that were lined up wall to wall and the casks that were arranged in rows throughout the room.

 

It wasn’t until he heard the clink of Killian’s glasses being put down on the ground that he turned to look at her, just standing and staring at him with a smile playing at her lips. He was suddenly fully aware of the fact that they were _alone,_ and everything he had wanted to tell her began spinning wildly in his head.

 

“So first thing’s first,” she said, and then suddenly she was in his arms, wrapping him in a huge hug. Sebastian couldn’t help but laugh out of shock, and felt the heat rise to his face as he returned her embrace, losing himself in the feeling of her body so close to his. They stayed like that for a few seconds before she finally pulled away.

 

“Sorry, it’s just so good to see you! I honestly wasn’t expecting you to come,” she laughed.

 

“It’s your birthday party, and you invited me like 10 times. Of course I came. I..I wanted to see you.”

 

“That’s sweet. Thank you. I know you’re not the biggest fan of, you know, people. So it means a lot. And I wanted to see you too.”

 

She reached out and put her hand on his arm, squeezing it reassuringly before turning around and picking up her glasses. Sebastian watched as she filled up each glass at a different keg, and then placed them back down again. Leaning against a cask across from Sebastian, Killian crossed her arms and cocked her head.

 

“I have a serious question for you,” she said.

 

“Go for it.”

 

“Do you think if I load up Pierre with enough booze tonight he’ll temporarily take that enormous stick out of his ass?”

 

“Not likely,” Sebastian replied with a smirk. “That stick is the only thing holding his marriage together. If he lets loose now, what’s going to stop him from going on a bender and becoming an exotic dancer in the city?”

 

Killian doubled over with laughter. “I can see it now: Everyone please get your dollar bills ready for the Voluptuous Vendor from the Valley!”

 

“The most important question is what color thong would he wear?”

 

“Well, one time the wizard told me that his aura was an ‘anemic yellow, like mayonnaise curdled in the sun’ so, I guess his underwear should match?”

 

“The wizard, seriously? I’ve spoken to him maybe like three times, and I’ve lived here my whole life.”

 

“Well that’s on you, Seb. The wizard’s awesome. You need to make more friends.”

 

She was joking, but she also wasn’t wrong. Who did Sebastian have other than Sam, Abigail, and Killian? And he didn’t really _have_ Killian, not in the way he wanted. That unspoken feeling hung in the air, and a quiet settled over them.  

 

“So,” he said, desperate to keep the conversation going but too fucking scared to say what he really wanted to, “what exactly do you make down here?”

 

“Oh, a lot of things. Beer, wine, pale ale, mead. Those two kegs in the front are just for coffee, but other than that it’s a one stop alcohol shop down here.”

 

“Well Shane dating you makes a lot more sense now. He can get wasted for free over here.”

 

The second the words left his mouth he realized what a fucked up thing to say that was. He jerked his head up to see that Killian had turned her face away from him. She spoke without looking up.

 

“Shane’s actually drinking a lot less these days. I’m helping him work through his issues. He’s not using me.” She pushed herself off of the cask she was leaning on and bent over to pick up the glasses she’d filled.

 

“I know, I’m sorry. Listen, that was really messed up of me. I’m just…” Jealous. But he couldn’t tell her that. Killian finally turned to meet his eyes and smiled faintly.

 

“I know you don’t like him. But I wish you would try. You both have a lot in common,” she said softly. “Help me get the door?”

 

Not knowing what else to say, he quietly went up the stairs ahead of her and opened the door so she could get through without spilling the drinks. She thanked him and made her way back to Clint, Emily, and Harvey. Sebastian stayed in the kitchen and watched her go, mentally kicking himself for ruining what small chance he may have had.

 

\---

 

“And then I said that made sense because he could get wasted for free.”

 

“Dude.”

 

“ _Ouch.”_

 

“Yeah. I know.” Sebastian covered his face with his hands to avoid the looks of supreme judgment on Sam and Abigail's faces.

 

“Listen dude, it’s Killian, right?” Sam offered, shaking Sebastian playfully by the shoulders. “She’ll get over it. She’s probably already over it! You know she can’t stay mad at you.”

 

“I don’t know, man,” Abby cut in, knocking back the rest of her beer. “That was a pretty dick move. If someone said I was only with Sam for free musical instruments or something I’d be pissed.”

 

“Well I mean, aren’t you?” Sam snorted.

 

“Hell no! You know I’m only with you for the sex.” Sebastian rolled his eyes as Abigail pulled Sam’s face down into a kiss. “Sorry, sorry!” she laughed. “I forgot the super cool Seb can’t handle a little bit of PDA.”

 

“Well we can’t all be…that.” Sebastian’s eyes trailed across the room to look at Killian and Shane. They were standing in the living room talking to Marnie. Killian’s head was on Shane’s shoulder and he had his hand on the small of her back.

 

“Well why can’t you be like that?” Sam asked, his face getting the serious look it always got when he was giving Sebastian advice. “You _could_ be like that. Killian’s not some sort of far-off mythical creature. She’s a real person who’s like 20 feet away from you. Just _do_ something about it. She’s not married. Shane is a guy she can drink with when he gets off work and who she can make out with when she gets lonely”

 

“And full disclosure, she’s an awesome kisser. I say go for it,” Abby chuckled.

 

“Knock it off, Abby.”

 

“What? I’m just trying to say that you have literally nothing to lose. Killian dated me and Sam at the same time! AND Alex! And nothing exploded or caught on fire. There’s no limit to how many people you can give a bouquet to, so stop acting like Shane being just as into her as you are is the end of the world.”

 

Sebastian sighed, uncomfortable with all the attention and unsolicited advice about his love life. “Okay, message received. I’m walking away now, bye.”

 

“Seb, wait!” He turned around to look at Sam, still sporting his serious face. “If you leave now without apologizing or saying goodbye to her, you’re only going to feel worse. Find a quiet spot, clear your head, and then come back. You’ve got this, man.”

 

Sebastian looked back at Killian and then back to his friends. “Fuck, you’re right. You know you’re supremely annoying when you’re right.”

 

“Sebby don’t be rude!” Abigail grinned. “He’s annoying all the time. It’s part of his charm.”

 

Sebastian laughed at that one, and walked away more hopeful than before. He just needed to find a quiet place. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can be found procrastinating my writing at https://palisadesucks.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> And thanks to the kind kudos-givers for the first chapter. Chapters will be this length or longer in future.


	3. Chapter 3

 

Sebastian felt weird skulking around upstairs alone. He knew Killian probably wouldn’t be upset if she found him up here, but it was slightly uncomfortable to feel like he was invading her private space. Still, Sam had been right. He just needed a quiet spot to chill out and gather his thoughts.

 

Going outside for some fresh air would have risked everybody looking at him when they heard the front door open, and he didn’t want Killian to think he was leaving. Plus, with all the people coming and going, he probably wouldn’t have had much privacy on the porch. Upstairs was a much better bet.

 

He didn’t want to snoop though, and luckily what seemed like a den and game room was directly to the left of the top of the staircase. Sebastian cautiously poked his head in before walking all the way inside, just double checking that he was really alone. Thankfully he was, and he slipped into the room. Trying to calm down and come up with a game plan, Sebastian laid on his back on the couch in front of the television set and exhaled loudly.

 

He had been in such a confident mood on his way to the party, and now he was hiding like a kid. What happened to the resolve he felt on the walk over?

 

Well, obviously, Killian had happened. Sebastian could work up all the courage he wanted when he was by himself, but the second she was actually standing in front of him he lost all ability to reasonably function. All he could ever think about when she was nearby was was how her skin might feel like against his, what she might taste like, how she might sound moaning his name. He thought about the dress she was wearing tonight and wondered what she had on underneath.

 

And now he was hard. Fucking great. He stuck his hand down the front of his jeans to adjust himself and rolled over on his side.

 

In fairness though, those things weren’t actually _all_ he thought about. His mind went to softer places too. He would often daydream about how it would be to wake up next to her and pull her closer before falling back asleep. He thought about stolen kisses in the morning before she had to work and evenings spent wrapped around each other in bed while he played with her hair. He wanted to know what it felt like to look into her eyes and know that she loved him as desperately as he loved her.

 

But none of those things were ever going to be a reality if he couldn’t have a single conversation with Killian without saying something stupid and ruining the mood. He couldn’t stop kicking himself over the comment he had made about Shane in the basement. They had been alone and laughing, she had hugged him and admitted that she had wanted to see him tonight too.

 

And what did he do? Make a snide joke about the guy she was actually dating. Genius.

 

Sebastian knew perfectly well that Killian and Shane were a couple, so the sight of them together shouldn’t make him so upset. But it did. His mind kept returning to the image of Shane’s hand on her back and how at ease she looked with her head on his shoulder. He wondered just how many of his fantasies were things that Shane had really done. Just how far had the two of them gone, and how serious was she about him, really?

 

Deciding these questions weren’t helpful at all, Sebastian sat upright and walked over to the window at the end of the room. Opening the shutter, he stuck his head out and took a deep breath of the cool, crisp air.

 

He absentmindedly pulled a cigarette and a lighter out of his back pocket. After fumbling with the flint wheel for a few seconds in the darkness, he finally got a light and held the end of his cigarette to the flame, taking a long drag.

 

He knew smoking was a bad habit. His mother had definitely made her feelings clear, and Killian was always stealing his lighters when she was in his room so that he couldn’t use them. But cigarettes relaxed him, and Sebastian knew that without the excuse of needing to smoke he would almost never go outside. And, after all, it was this unhealthy habit of his that had brought him and Killian together in the first place.

 

Back then she had just been the new farmer that Sebastian didn’t want anything to do with. He had found her attractive since the first moment he saw her, but that didn’t mean he had wanted to know her.

 

She was too exuberant for him, always laughing and smiling and trying to be everybody’s friend. The first couple of times they spoke he made it very clear that she was an annoyance. And yet she kept coming back, always trying to break through his shitty mood.

 

He would often see her when he was smoking by the lake near his house in the evenings and she was walking home from one of her infamous trips to the mines. No matter how beat up or tired she was, she would always stop and talk to him, rummaging in her bag for any gems she had picked up that he might like. Those talks meant so much to him now, but it was so long ago he couldn’t really remember what they even talked about. Staring out the window and thinking about those early days, Sebastian was halfway through his second cigarette before he realized it.

 

“You know, if one of your dumb cigarettes starts a fire, I’m billing you for a new farmhouse.”

 

The sudden voice made Sebastian jump and whirl around. Killian had somehow snuck into the room quiet enough for him to miss it, and was perched on the arm of the couch he had been lying on. She was running her finger around the rim of a half empty glass of wine. He quickly grabbed a newspaper that was on the coffee table between them and tapped out the cigarette before flicking it out of the open window.

 

“If your house caught on fire,” he said, “that’s 100% your fault. You shouldn’t have passed on the flame retardant lacquer when you had my mom build this expansion.”

 

Killian snickered and put her free hand dramatically to her chest. “Hey, was that a _threat_? ‘Buy my mom’s lacquer or I’ll burn your house down!’ I thought I left the crime underworld behind when I fled Zuzu City.”

 

“You got me. I may spend my days sitting in a basement writing endless lines of computer code for dumb clients, but by night I run an extremely small scale lacquer-based criminal ring.”

 

“That just means you’re well rounded. Smart, tech savvy, mysterious, and prone to extorting poor farmgirls. You’re the total package!”

 

Sebastian smiled, grateful that he could still joke with her like this. He crossed the room towards her and sat down at the couch. “Hey listen, about what I said. I’m really sorry. I was being a dick.”

 

She hopped off the arm of the couch, moving to sit next to him instead. “Thanks. It’s okay.”

 

“Just like that?”

 

Giving him a small smile, she put her hand gently on his shoulder.

 

“Just like that. Sometimes you say things that hurt. But I know you don’t mean it, and I know it’s something you’re working on. Plus, you apologized. There’s no use staying mad.”

 

She pulled her hand away and Sebastian realized that he had been unconsciously holding his breath. He was always amazed at her ability to touch him so casually, and wondered if that was her way of saying that she wanted to be touched by him, too. No, better not push his luck. He cleared his throat.

 

“Okay. Well, thanks. I just want to be a good friend to you.”

 

“You already are, Seb. You’re...”

 

Sebastian looked at Killian, waiting for her to finish her sentence. There was something in her eyes that seemed conflicted, like she was trying to decide whether or not it would be a good idea for her to keep talking. Apparently she decided that it wasn’t, because she just gave her head a little shake and finished the rest of her wine in one big gulp.

 

“Whoah, what’s the rush?” Sebastian took the empty glass from her hand and placed it on the coffee table.

 

“No rush,” she said, leaning against the back of the couch with her eyes closed. There was a little bit of wine on the corner of her mouth and it started to run down ever so slowly towards her chin.

 

Sebastian didn’t like wine, but fuck if he didn’t want to lick it off of her in that moment. He settled for reaching over and gently brushing it away with his thumb. When he did, she opened her eyes and looked straight at him. His hand froze where it was, with his thumb resting on the edge of her bottom lip.

 

_Oh fuck. Friends don’t casually touch each other’s mouths, what the hell am I doing?_

 

“You um. You had, wine? On your mouth. Sorry.” He snatched his hand back, blushing furiously. There was a moment of painful silence, but then Killian let out a good natured groan.

 

“Oh man, seriously? That’s _so_ embarrassing. Not cute at all. Sorry, I’m just a tad drunk.”

 

“From that one glass of wine?”

 

“Well, no. Full disclosure, I was engaged in a wine chugging contest downstairs with Leah and your mom before I came up to look for you.”

 

“Oh. Yeah, that would do it.” Sebastian smiled, and could definitely see that her face was more flushed than usual. But then again, so was his, and he had managed that without any extra substances. “So who won?”

 

“Well, we were drinking wine that I made with farm-grown starfuit and that I spent the better part of last year aging. One bottle alone sells for over 6,000g and we had the honor of drinking it among friends. So in a way...we all won.” She flashed him with a cheesy grin.

 

“So you lost, then.”

 

“Shut up, Sebastian.”

 

\---

 

Sebastian sat at the foot of the staircase and watched as the last of the partygoers shuffled out of the house.

 

Elliott carried Leah out on his back, with her arms and legs wrapped around his neck and waist like a baby koala. She was still supremely drunk, which led Sebastian to assume that she had probably won the drinking contest. Also she had a sash draped over her shoulder that was clearly a pillow case someone had cut up and written _Best At Drinking Wine_ on with a marker.

 

Sam and Abigail pulled him into a group hug before heading outside hand in hand. Sam turned around right before the front door closed and blew him a kiss. Sebastian shot it out of the air with his finger guns.

 

It looked like Shane had already cleared out.

 

Killian chatted with the stragglers and waved goodbye to everyone as they left. Throughout the course of the party, she had taken off her cardigan and let her hair down. Her curly brown hair fell to her shoulders and framed her face beautifully, making her look more like the adult she was than when they were in their normal buns. As Sebastian watched her engage in an insanely long choreographed goodbye handshake with Alex, he felt his phone vibrate. He pulled it out of his pocket to see a text message from his mother.

 

_Sebby, if you’re still at the party, please ask Killian when she wants me to come by this week. Love you!!!_

 

Why was his mom coming over this week? Was Killian getting a new building on the farm? He typed out the most thoughtful and considerate response he could muster.

 

_K._

 

Looking up, he noticed that Alex had cleared out, and now it was just him and Killian alone again. But this time, they were really alone. Sebastian felt a wave of sadness at the realization that this meant he would have to leave, too.

 

Usually the best part of any social event for Sebastian was the end, because that meant he got to go home. But not this time. He looked over to Killian, who was making her way over. She sat down on the stairs beside him.

 

“So,” she said, stretching her legs out in front of her.

 

“So.”

 

“Thanks again for coming. I know you spent a good amount of the party in hiding, but I hope you had a good time?”

 

“You know, I actually did.”

 

“It’s a shame you missed the actual chugging contest, though. If I had your moral support I just might have pulled ahead.”

 

“I don’t know, I think Leah deserved it. She’s been training for this her whole life.”

 

“Damn, you’re so right. Who am I to crush her dreams? In that case, godspeed, Leah.” She saluted in the general direction of Leah’s cottage. She and Sebastian both chuckled.

 

“Oh, my mom wanted me to ask you when you want her to come by this upcoming week.”

 

“Shit, I totally forgot about that.” Killian got up and walked over to the kitchen, where she consulted the calendar by the fridge. “I guess on Thursday? I’m going to be pretty busy most of the week, and I know she doesn’t work Tuesdays. And I’m not here on the weekends.”

 

“To visit your family in Zuzu City, right?” Killian had been making the drive to Zuzu every weekend for years now, which is why weekends had become Sebastian’s least favorite time of the week.

 

“Yup,” she muttered, still looking at the calendar. Finally she turned back to Sebastian. “So I guess tell her either Monday or Thursday. Whatever works best for her.”

 

“Got it.” Sebastian looked up at Killian and watched as she poured herself another glass of wine. “Still going, huh?”

 

“I’m in a wine sort of mood tonight. It’s my birthday and starfruit tastes good. Plus it’ll help me get to sleep.”

 

Sleep. Right. The party’s over and it’s really late. Sebastian became acutely aware of the feeling that he was probably overstaying his welcome. Reluctantly, he stood up and made his way towards the door.

 

“Well, I think it’s about time for me to head home now.”

 

“If you want to.”

 

He absolutely didn’t want to.

 

“I mean, I should let you get to bed. But it was good to see you.”

 

“You too.”

 

Standing alone in the kitchen, Killian struck Sebastian as looking immensely sad. But maybe that’s just what he wanted to see. He wanted to feel like she missed him when he was gone and was sad to see him go. Not knowing what else to say, Sebastian gave her one last smile and opened the door, stepping into the chilly night air.

 

He was already down the porch steps by the time the front door suddenly opened. He turned around to see Killian standing in the doorway.

 

“Sebastian?” Her voice sounded unsure and a bit scared. He had never seen her like this before.

 

“What’s up, Killian?”

 

“You didn’t bring me a birthday present.”

 

“Oh.” Sebastian just stared at her, not sure what to say.

 

“Which is totally fine, but it’s just that, you know. If you weren’t planning on getting me anything there’s something I wanted to ask from you instead.”

 

“Okay...what?”

 

He watched as she made her way down the porch steps, shivering a bit in the cold. Slowly, cautiously, with more than a little bit of trepidation on her face, Killian came up until she was right in front of him, craning her head up so she could look him in his eyes.

 

“I want you to be honest with me,” she said, looking down towards the ground and avoiding eye contact.

 

“Okay.”

 

“...Have you ever wanted to kiss me?”

 

Sebastian felt like all the air had been knocked out of his lungs. Had he really been that obvious? How long had she known? Did everyone notice, or was it just her? Was she mad? Why was she even asking him this?

 

But he didn’t ask her any of those questions. Instead, he reached down to cup the side of her face with his hand and angle it up so that she was meeting his gaze. All he could muster up was a simple and quiet, “Yes.”

 

Killian looked at him and silently placed her hand on top of his.

 

“Then will you do it now?”

 

Sebastian’s self control dissolved in an instant.

 

There was a second’s pause, and then his mouth was on hers. All of his fears, all of his anxiety, all of his self doubt melted away as he was flooded with the knowledge that she was in his arms and kissing him back.

 

His head swam as he felt her place her hands on his chest and move her tongue into his mouth. He reciprocated, and their kiss got deeper and more fevered. She tasted distinctly of wine, but he didn’t care. Without thinking, he moved his hand from her face to the back of her head, where he grabbed a fistful of her hair and gently pulled it back, leaving her just out of reach of his mouth and with her neck fully exposed. He licked all the way from her collarbone to the base of her chin, and the feeling of her shuddering in pleasure had him rock hard.

 

Grinding his groin into hers, he let out a low moan and brought her mouth back to his. He felt her move her hands down his chest and towards his waist, heard her breathing get harder, and groaned as she deepened the kiss even further.

 

And then she was off of him.

 

Before he could even mentally process the fact that she wasn’t in his arms anymore, Killian was already halfway up the porch steps.

 

“Killi-”

 

“This was a mistake. Please don’t ever bring this up again.”

 

And then, in a second, she had closed the front door behind her. Sebastian watched, unable to make himself say anything, as the lights in the farmhouse shut off. Stunned and with his head still spinning, Sebastian stood in the cold and tried to make sense of what the fuck had just happened.

 

"Happy birthday," he said to no one in particular. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can be found procrastinating writing at https://palisadesucks.tumblr.com/


	4. Chapter 4

 To say that the next couple of days were weird for Sebastian was a bit of an understatement.

 

That kiss with Killian had completely shaken him to his core, almost as much as her abrupt rejection. His mind kept going back to the look on her face as she pulled away and left him standing alone outside like a lovesick idiot. She had looked confused and more than a little hurt. But what had he done to hurt her? She had asked him to be honest, and he was. She had asked him to kiss her, and he did. So where did he go wrong?

 

He should have done more.

 

He should have followed her up the steps and not left until they had talked it out. He should have called her that night or come to see her the next morning. He should have kissed her a long time ago.

 

The following days were spent with Sebastian holed up and brooding in his room, even more so than usual. He had skipped meeting Sam and Abigail for their usual Friday hangout the next day, and he had taken to smoking in his room rather than going outside by the lake or train station, for fear that he would run into Killian and have to figure out what to say to her.

 

Lying in bed staring at the ceiling, Sebastian replayed the kiss over and over in his head. It had felt so natural, and he was surprised that from the moment their lips met he had been able to turn his brain off and just lose himself in the feeling of being with her.

 

It had never been like that for him before, with the others who had come before Killian.

 

There hadn’t been many, but there had been some. He and Abigail had been together casually in high school and for a while after they graduated, and they saw each other off and on until she finally had the courage to make things official with Sam. But there were never any hard feelings, even then. Abigail was a friend, his oldest friend, but they had always known that their relationship was a temporary diversion; it was easier to be with someone who understood you completely but didn’t want anything more than your body and your company. She never pushed him for emotional intimacy or exclusivity, and he never offered it. Things were cleaner that way.

 

There were other people too, but he rarely thought of them. Flings and flirtations that were embarrassing to think about after the fact. A girl with sunkissed skin who passed him notes in math class, a boy with long eyelashes who liked to trail lazy kisses along Sebastian’s neck whenever they were alone together. It all felt so long ago, and so inconsequential compared to the deep connection he felt with Killian.

 

Which is why he felt so helpless just sitting in his room without knowing what he could do to make things better. After Friday Killian had gone back to Zuzu City to see her family, so he had no way of seeing her until after the weekend. And by the time she got back he was too in his head to even know how to approach her again. So now it had been a full week since her party with no contact. Usually he would have heard from her by now. A note, a call, an unannounced visit to his room with a present or a story...something. Instead it had been total silence, and Sebastian didn’t know how to break it.

 

Hearing the sound of feet coming down the steps, Sebastian bolted upright in his bed, suddenly awash in anxiety. Maybe it was finally her, to tell him she wanted to be with him after all. Or that she was done with him and didn’t want to see him again. He never could guess what she was thinking.

 

As soon as he heard the soft knocking on the door, though, he stopped freaking out. It definitely wasn’t Killian; she never knocked. He couldn’t decide if he was more disappointed or relieved.

 

“Yeah?”

 

He watched as Robin poked her head through the door and came in, looking as uncomfortable as she always did when she had to come into his room. Sebastian felt a sudden twinge of guilt, knowing that this was an unconscious holdover from his younger days, when he treated her presence in his room for any reason as an inexcusable violation of privacy. He didn’t like to be reminded of how rude he used to be to her. He realized now just how much his edges had softened over the years. He was hardly warm and fuzzy now, but he didn’t lash out like he used to, either. He was proud of that.

 

Robin stood in the doorway and looked around.

 

“What’s up?”

 

“Well sweetie, I was just wondering if you wanted to get some air with me today. I feel like I haven’t seen you at all this week, so some sunlight might be nice. What do you think?”

 

“Uh, no thanks. I’m good.”

 

She put her fist on her hip and cocked her head disapprovingly.

 

“Sebby, come on. I could use your help carrying supplies and I’m worried that if you don’t go outside soon you’ll go blind.”

 

“I’m already going out today, actually.”

 

“Oh really? Where?”

 

“I’m meeting Sam and Abby at the saloon later.”

 

“At night once the sun is already down doesn’t count. You need to see sun and hear birds chirping.”

 

“Mom, I really don’t feel like it.”

 

“It’s either this or I tell Demetrius that you were asking to help him in the lab today.”

 

“...okay, fine.”

 

“Great! Let’s go!”

 

Sebastian watched as she swiveled around and ran back up the stairs, obviously very pleased with herself. But still, Sebastian wasn’t completely put out. It really was well past time for him to go outside, and he wasn’t doing himself any favors by hiding away in his basement. He pulled his sweatshirt on over his head and followed her up.

 

Coming outside, Sebastian saw that Robin had loaded up lumber and wire in her wheelbarrow and was cinching her toolbelt around her waist.

 

“I’m not hearing any of those chirping birds that I was promised.”

 

“Oh hush. You wouldn't have appreciated them anyway.”

 

“So where are we going?” he asked, squinting while his eyes adjusted to sunlight again.

 

“Killian’s place! I’m building a new chicken coop.”

 

Sebastian watched blankly as Robin starting pushing her wheelbarrow down the path from their house and signalled for him to pick up two cans of paint that were sitting by his feet.

 

_Shit._

 

\---

 

They walked in silence through the mountain pass. Robin whistled amiably while Sebastian shuffled behind, still at a loss for what exactly he was going to say to Killian when he saw her.

 

He decided to try to push it out of his mind, as his plans never ended up going the way he wanted anyway. He could probably duck out and go back home once they had made it to the farm and he had dropped off this paint. Robin never expected him to stay around and help with construction.

 

Just then she looked back at him and cleared her throat.

 

“You know Sebby, I’ve been meaning to say...obviously you don’t have to tell me why you’ve been moping this week, but I think I have a good enough idea. And I know it may be tough right now, but you’re going to find the right girl for you one day. Or boy!”

 

Sebastian was pretty sure he could feel his soul exiting his body. Unwelcome romantic advice from a parent was ranked maybe third in his all time list of least favorite things.

 

“Thanks. Let’s drop it now.”

 

“You’re such a great guy, hon,” she continued.

 

“ _Mom_.”

 

“...and if Abigail can’t see that, then it’s her loss!”

 

Sebastian stopped in his tracks. Robin parked her wheelbarrow and turned around to look at him expectantly.

 

“Mom...you think I’m upset about Abby?”

 

“Well, yes? You two were together for a while, and I know it was probably very uncomfortable to see her and Sam together at the party, so I guess I just assumed...”

 

She blushed a little, obviously embarrassed at the prospect that she had gone out on a limb for the wrong thing. They just stared at each other for a few seconds before a smile finally broke on Sebastian’s face. Before he knew it he was laughing out loud, and he brought his hand up to his mouth to muffle the sound. Robin looked wildly confused, but the sight of Sebastian laughing out loud was so rare that she found herself joining in despite herself.

 

“Come on,” he finally said. “This paint’s heavy.”

 

\---

 

Killian was sitting in a rocking chair on the porch with her legs kicked up onto the railing in front of her. She was reading a book, and music was playing faintly from a radio that had been placed next to her chair. The sight of her made Sebastian’s breath catch in his throat. She looked so peaceful there. The squeaking of Robin’s wheelbarrow was fairly loud, however, and after a few seconds she looked up and saw them coming down the cobblestone path towards her house. Marking her place in the book by dog-earing the page and setting it on the railing, she hopped out of her chair and waved before walking over to meet them halfway. She pulled them both into a hug, and thankfully turned to Robin before she could see Sebastian blushing.

 

“Robin, I completely forgot you were coming by!”

 

“Oh, well do you need me to come back? I know we agreed to push it back to today, but I guess I should have called to double check.”

 

“No way! I cleared out the space for the coop a couple days ago, so by all means. I just mean that I don’t have the jubilee ready yet.”

 

“You know, the jubilee is not actually mandatory. You already gave me money for the coop.”

 

Killian stepped back with her hand on her chest in fake astonishment.

 

“Robin! Take that back immediately! Every new piece of construction on this land has been properly christened and I’ll be damned if I spit on our honored tradition now!”

 

Sebastian looked on awkwardly as Killian and Robin giggled together without paying him any attention. He sometimes forgot that Killian’s friendship wasn’t unique just to him; she was close with his entire family. This jubilee was a tradition of theirs that ran back years; when Robin came and built something on the farm, Killian would make dinner for them to share with Robin’s favorite things included, topped off with wine or dessert or something fancy. Killian was all about thoughtful gestures like that. He noticed that she was glancing at him. He looked away.

 

“Well the coop isn’t going to be finished tonight, so don’t worry about it. We’ll get to it.”

 

“I guess,” Killian huffed. “Sorry, I’m just all over the place this week.”

 

“It’s fine!” Robin said sweetly. “But I think I’m going to head down and start setting up now. I want the perimeter in place before the sun goes down, at least.”

 

“You got it. Do you need my help lugging all this stuff up and down those stairs? I swear I’m going to break my neck on those things one day.”

 

“No, I’m fine. That’s what this guy’s for.” She reached over to pat Sebastian’s shoulder.

 

“I see,” Killian said with a wry smile. “Making him earn his keep, huh? Very cost effective, Robin.”

 

“You know me, I love a bargain.”

 

“Well if you’ve got everything you need, I’ll just come find you later. Give me a shout if you need anything. Or, you know, if you just feel like shouting. I’m not picky.”

 

Robin laughed again and motioned for Sebastian to follow her with the paint. He trailed behind her without saying anything.

 

As he had noticed the last time he was here, Killian’s farmhouse was on the highest point of her property. To get to the lower sections they needed to go down a staircase that had been carved into the rock. He helped to steady Robin’s wheelbarrow as she carefully moved it down step by step. Once they had reached the foot of the steps he looked back up to Killian, but she was gone.

 

Looking around, Sebastian had a better view of the actual farmland where it looked like Killian got most of her work done. He could see fruit trees off into the distance, although he couldn’t discern what kind they were. To the left of them were two huge barns, and directly across the field was another, albeit smaller, raised plateau with a similar cliffside staircase. It was up there that Killian’s new coop was going to be, so Sebastian helped Robin pull the wheelbarrow up. By the time they reached the top, they were both out of breath and huffing. Thankfully, the chilliness of the air meant that he wasn’t sweating like he normally might have been, but Sebastian was still embarrassed at how out of shape he was.

 

“Thanks for the help, hon.” Robin immediately started unloading her wheelbarrow and offered him water from the bottle she kept attached to her toolbelt.

 

“No problem.” He handed it back to her after taking a quick sip, not wanting to show just how thirsty the walk over had made him. He took the opportunity to look around the farm some more. There was another section of the property that he hadn’t gotten a good view of yet. It was on the other side of the river that ran through the farmland, and it seemed like he could only access it by crossing a small wooden bridge.

 

“It’s a great property, huh?” Robin noted. Other than Killian, she was probably more familiar with the farm than anyone else in town. She and Killian were always getting creative trying to figure out how to maximize the space, drawing up plans and measurements on a map of the land that Robin kept in the shop.

 

“Yeah. What’s on that side?”

 

“Well on the top of that cliff is a mining area. It’s the only spot in Pelican Town other than the mines and the quarry where you can get stone and ore, so it’s pretty unique. There's not much else on that side, though. Other than the slime hutch.”

 

“There’s a slime hutch?” Sebastian swiveled around. “Did _you_ build it?”

 

“Yes, but don’t get any ideas.  I’m still not building one by our house, no matter how much you beg.”

 

“I didn’t think there were any in town.”

 

“Well pretty soon there won’t be. Killian’s having it torn down.”

 

“What? When?”

 

“Whenever she comes by with the job order. She’s been talking about it for a while now, but we’ve never gotten around to actually doing it.”

 

“Huh.”

 

Sebastian just stared in the general direction of the hutch. All he could see from this distance and angle was one large black wall.

 

“Well I’m sure you want to get out of here. Like usual, I’ll be here pretty late, so don’t wait up for me. Love you and I’ll see you tomorrow!”

 

“Love you too.”

 

He turned and walked back the way that they had come. When he got to the top of the mountain he found himself at a loss for what to do, however. Killian still hadn’t returned to the porch, and her front door was slightly open. If he left now he could go home without doing anything embarrassing and lie low until it was time to go meet up with Sam and Abigail at the saloon. But he knew that if he told them about today, they would both tear him a new one for leaving without trying to seriously talk with Killian. Sebastian wasn’t sure he could handle being on the receiving end of another one of Sam’s serious lecture faces.

 

And to be honest, this week without Killian’s company had been hell. Even a bad interaction was better than none at all, and he didn’t have it in him to let things stay in the weird limbo they’d been hanging in. Taking a deep breath, he made his way up the porch and stepped inside.

 

\---

 

The house was a mess. Plates, glasses, and cutlery were strewn across the kitchen counter and stacked in the sink. The living room was relatively clear other than the massive pile of books and DVD cases on the floor, but peering around the corner to his right Sebastian could see that Killian’s bedroom looked like a war zone. Heaps of clothes were scattered on the floor and there were multiple empty beer cans lying about as well. How was it possible that her house was messier now than when she was throwing a massive party? Still, he didn’t want to snoop, so he took a seat on the couch in the living room and waited.

 

After a minute Killian came down the stairs, struggling with a box. When she saw him she let out a surprised gasp and almost dropped it.

 

“Fuck, Seb! Where did you come from?”

 

“Outside?”

 

“Ha.” She placed the box on the ground and looked at him, crossing her arms. She looked tense. He hadn’t noticed when they were outside with Robin, but she had dark circles under her eyes.

 

“I just wanted to talk.”

 

“Okay. About what?”

 

Sebastian just stared for a second, completely thrown off by the question. _About what?_

 

“About..” Looking her straight in the eyes made him lose his resolve again. “I haven’t seen you all week.”

 

She relaxed a little bit at that, and a gentle smile played at her lips.

 

“I know, I’m really sorry. I’ve been insanely busy this week. I haven’t even left the farm since I got back from Zuzu.”

 

Killian sighed and rested the back of her head on the wall behind her in a show of exasperation. It left her neck exposed, and he was immediately flooded with the memory of how his tongue had played at the delicate skin there, and how she had melted in his arms in response. He cleared his throat and tried to push the thought back.

 

“What’s with the box?”

 

“I’m having guests over this weekend for the Spirit’s Eve festival. I’m trying to clear out space for them, which turned into me packing up useless shit and trying to take stock of all my possessions.”

 

“Which explains why it looks like a bomb went off in here.”

 

Killian chuckled. “Yeah, turns out you accumulate a lot of junk you don’t have space for when you live in the same house for four years and also never throw anything away.”

 

“You should be like me. Live a minimalist life in a basement.”

 

“I don’t know how you do it. I love my family to a stupid degree, but I still moved out of our house the first chance I got.”

 

“It’s not like I’m still there because I like it. I just don’t have anywhere else to go.”

 

His tone was much sharper than he meant for it to be, but the topic of his living situation was a sensitive one for him.

 

“Sebastian, you’re 24 years old. You don’t feel like it’s time to look for your own place?”

 

“With what money? We don’t all have grandpas just waiting to die and give us a house for free.”

 

That was too far. Killian’s shoulders were tense again and the amusement had left her face.

 

“I’m not going to push this, because clearly you’re in a shitty mood, but maybe next time you want to say something hurtful you’ll leave my dead relatives out of it.”

 

“Listen, I’m so-”

 

“Because building a life in this town all by myself hasn’t exactly been fucking easy, Sebastian.”

 

Suddenly Killian’s eyes were filling with tears, and Sebastian was on his feet in a second. Without thinking he pulled her into a hug, and cradled the back of her head with his hand. It was an intimate embrace, and not something he was used to doing, but he somehow knew this is what she wanted. The sudden movement and physical contact made Killian tense up at first, but she soon relaxed into it, and after a few seconds Sebastian could feel her shaking as she silently cried. She turned her head away when she realized that her tears were getting his sweatshirt wet, but other than that they remained there for what felt like forever. Soon her crying died down, and then they just held each other in silence. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can be found procrastinating writing at https://palisadesucks.tumblr.com/  
> \---  
> I genuinely don't have an excuse for why this took me so long to upload, other than the fact that I'm terrible and I forgot how to author for a little bit there. Thank you so much to everyone who has commented and left kudos so far! I'm super excited for the chapters ahead.


	5. Chapter 5

Killian spoke first.

 

“I’m really sorry.”

 

“It’s fine. I’m sorry too.” Sebastian still had his hand in her hair, and his chin was resting on the top of her head.

 

“I really missed you this week. I’m sorry for not calling.”

 

“I could have called you instead, but I didn’t.”

 

“Yeah, you’re right. Screw you.”

 

They both laughed quietly, the levity being a welcome distraction from all the high emotions of the past few minutes. Killian finally pulled away and rubbed at her eyes with her sleeve.

 

“Don’t feel like you have to stay, but I would honestly really like your company for a while.”

 

“Then I’m staying.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Positive.”

 

\---

 

Killian said she felt gross after the crying and working all day, so Sebastian suggested she take a shower to clear her head. Sitting on the couch in Killian’s bedroom and slowly sipping some mead he had found in the cellar, Sebastian listened to the muffled sounds of water coming from the next room.

 

He was trying to pin down exactly what he was feeling. Watching Killian cry had really shaken him up. In all their years of friendship, he had never seen her like that. She had been upset before, sure, but she usually tried her hardest to hide the details about her issues private. Every now and then he would check in with her specifically to ask if she was okay, usually after a breakup or if they had gotten into a fight about something dumb. But she would always brush it off and make a joke.

 

Sebastian realized that for all of their closeness, he knew far less about Killian than he wanted to. That was partially his fault, and he knew that. He was hardly a big emotions guy, and generally kept things to himself too. But it was different for Killian. She spent so much of her time in Pelican Town taking care of others and trying to be a cornerstone of the community who anyone could go to. But who was looking out for her to make sure that _she_ was okay? He remembered what she had said right before she began to cry.

 

_Building a life in this town all by myself hasn’t exactly been fucking easy._

 

Sebastian was suddenly hit with a very real feeling of guilt for not even considering that Killian had been having a rough time. Once winter passed she was coming up on the spring of her fifth year in the valley. How much had she been suffering through silently all these years? Even if things were going fine, five years was a long time to be living alone.

 

He heard the shower water cut off and straightened out in his seat. Waiting for Killian to come back, he looked around her bedroom, realizing he probably wouldn’t get to see it anytime soon after this. He recognized some of the clothes piled on the floor as outfits she’d worn before. A pair of overalls he liked to tease her about, the dress she had worn at the party, the infamous pair of red shorts that she had worn to the Luau a few months back... He had been absolutely mesmerized by the way she looked in those, and to his horror she had turned around to catch him openly staring at her ass while she was stirring the potluck soup. The memory made him smile now.

 

He felt a twinge of irritation when he saw the beer cans on her bedside table and floor, though. Killian drank beer sometimes, but it wasn’t her favorite. Besides, this was the brand of beer that Sebastian recognized immediately as the kind Shane was always drinking.

 

The sound of the bathroom door opening startled Sebastian and pulled him out of his descent into a Shane-based jealousy spiral. He looked up and suddenly couldn’t even remember who Shane was.

 

Killian was standing in the doorway, her brown skin still damp and glistening from the shower. Her hair was down and tucked behind both ears, her normally tightly coiled curls now hanging wavy and loose, falling a couple of inches past her shoulders. She was wearing an oversized light gray T-shirt with the Tunnelers logo plastered on the front. The shirt only came down to the middle of her thighs, and if she was wearing shorts underneath they were too short to see. Scanning over her body with his eyes as casually as he could manage, Sebastian realized that she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath her shirt. He took a hurried gulp of his mead so that he had an excuse to look literally anywhere else. Between this and the fireplace that was blazing away a few feet from Killian’s bed, Sebastian could feel himself starting to sweat a bit and was truly regretting the fact that he was still wearing a heavy sweatshirt.

 

Killian seemed to be completely oblivious to the minor meltdown happening in Sebastian’s head, and she blithely crossed the room to sit with him. She tucked her legs up underneath herself and sat in a way that had her directly facing Sebastian. He started to feel self conscious as she continued looking at him.

 

“What?”

 

“I’m just not used to seeing you drinking alcohol. You like that?”

 

“Yeah. It’s not too strong. I don’t like when drinks go right to your head and make you lose your self control.” He looked up to see that Killian was chuckling softly. “What?”

 

“Nothing, nothing. I just think that’s very...you. You’re always in your own head so much, it drives me crazy sometimes.”

 

“I drive you crazy?”

 

“Only in the best ways.” She reached her hand out for the mead, and winked at him as she took a sip before handing it back. “But I have to admit, it would be nice to see you lose your cool for a little bit and just relax. Your blood pressure has to be insane.”

 

“I’m relaxed now.”

 

Killian raised an eyebrow and smirked. “You could have fooled me.”

 

\---

 

Sebastian and Killian talked in her room for a while as he finished his mead before he offered to help clean the house. She agreed, but would only accept his help finishing the upstairs guest room. Following her up the stairs and past the game room he hid away in last time, Sebastian mused about what Robin might say if she heard that Sebastian was actually going out of his way to clean something.

 

Standing in the doorway however, he found himself more than a bit confused.

 

“Is this...a nursery? Why do you have this in your house?”

 

Sebastian surveyed the room. There was a crib and two children’s beds, but not much else. Killian hadn’t decorated it at all, and from the dust collected on the edges of the crib it looked like she didn’t come in here that often either.

 

“It kind of came with the place.” Killian shifted her eyes away, clearly uncomfortable with either the question or the room itself. “Your mom just sort of added it when I expanded the house. Maybe she was implying that it was probably time I settle down.”

 

“That’s really weird.”

 

“It’s fine. I’ve just sort of repurposed it into the room where I keep all my extra crap that I don’t want to lug to the shed.”

 

“So what do you need me to do?”

 

Killian scanned the room with her eyes and huffed. “Well we need to clear the floor space at least. I moved that bookcase up here yesterday, so could you just take the books that are on the ground and put them on the shelves? I don’t want the kids tripping over anything.”

 

“Who’s going to be staying here exactly?”

 

Killian turned around and smiled. “You remember my sister Moira?”

 

“Yeah.”  

 

“Well she’s bringing her kids up, so voila! My nursery now has a use.”

 

“How many kids does she have?”

 

“Two girls and a boy. Amy is 5, Tara is 4, and Cyrus is 2. They’re seriously the cutest. I love them so much.”

 

“That’s insane. Isn’t she my age?”

 

“Yeah, she is.”

 

Sebastian thought about that while Killian picked up another box. She left to go carry it downstairs, and Sebastian crossed the room to begin filling the bookshelf.

 

Sebastian had never met Moira, but Killian spoke about her often. He knew little snippets about her. She was two years younger than Killian, she worked in the city, she had studied music in school. The two siblings were incredibly close, something that was a completely foreign concept to Sebastian. And now he knew she had three kids. The idea of having children had never appealed to Sebastian, and he couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to have three at this point in his life. Not that he was at any risk of that happening any time soon. He wondered which of the sisters was happiest. Did Killian envy her sister’s big family, or did Moira resent Killian’s freedom? Maybe both. Sibling dynamics were a weird thing.

 

Killian was in and out of the room, and in no time the boxes were cleared. There were still a good amount of chests lining the wall, but they decided that there was nothing inside that the kids could get into too much trouble with. While Killian wiped down the slats of the crib and laid down blankets on each of the beds, Sebastian swept the floor.

 

“Hey Killian?”

 

“Hm?” She glanced up at him and went back to dusting.

 

“Do you ever want to have kids?”

 

Killian paused for a second, obviously thrown off by the question.

 

“Why, do you?”

 

“Um, maybe. To be honest I always kind of hated the idea. But I can see the appeal. With the right person.”

 

He could feel the blush rising to his cheeks as he said it, but he held eye contact anyway. And it was true. The idea of being a father was something that gave him borderline anxiety when he considered it objectively, but the thought of having kids with Killian was admittedly different. Lately he had been imagining what parenthood with her would be like more than he would care to admit.

 

“It’s more than a simple yes or no, I guess,” she said finally. “I never really thought about it until Moira had hers. I don’t know. I like kids, but...I don’t think I’d be a very good mother.”

 

Sebastian found that genuinely surprising.

 

“Why do you say that?”

 

Killian put her cleaning supplies down and looked at him, her eyes cool and reserved.

 

“I just think that when everything is all said and done, I’m a selfish person. To be a really good parent you need to stop thinking about yourself all the time. I don’t think I have it in me to make that sacrifice.”

 

“I don’t think you’re selfish.”

 

“You don’t know everything about me, Sebastian.”

 

“No, but I’d like to.”

 

“You’re sweet.”

 

“Not really,” Sebastian said with a shrug.

 

She smiled and leaned against the crib.

 

“You hungry?”

 

\---

 

Sebastian sat at the kitchen table and watched Killian work at the stove. She had a pot of noodles gently bubbling on one burner, sauce with cheese and herbs simmering in a second, and in another pan she was adding oil into a bushel of kale. He had helped her with washing the kale and getting everything ready, but as soon as the cooking had actually begun she’d banished him from her space.

 

“Are you sure you don’t want my help?”

 

“I’ve tasted your cooking, Seb. I think we’ll both be happier if you just sit back and support me from afar.”

 

Smiling, he leaned back in his chair and poured himself another glass of mead. The alcohol content was low enough that Sebastian had been able to drink without much consequence, but he was finally starting to feel a faint buzz. Killian seemed more relaxed as well. Just by her movements and way of speaking, it felt like the tension from earlier had gone. If he didn’t think about the kiss he could almost pretend like everything was really back to normal between the two of them.

 

Killian put a cover on the pan with kale and set a timer on the stove before coming to sit across the table from Sebastian.

 

“So any plans for tonight after I cut you loose?”

 

“Typical Friday. If you want, you can come by the saloon to catch me destroying Sam at pool.”

 

“When will that boy learn his lesson?”

 

“I’m not sure, maybe he just gets off on public humiliation.”

 

“Maybe. You’re such a nice guy Seb - perfectly willing to get your best friend off once a week. Sam’s a lucky guy.”

 

Sebastian laughed and took a sip of his drink.

 

“Yeah, Abby should compensate me for my time.”

 

Killian’s eyes lit up at Abby’s name. “Aw, Abigail. I think she and Sam are so adorable together. Don’t you?”

 

“I’m not really used to it yet, to be honest.”

 

“This is hardly a new development, Seb.”

 

“I know. But there’s something about watching your two childhood best friends make out that you never really get used to.”

 

“I get that. They seem happy though.”

 

“They are.”

 

“And that makes _me_ happy! I love those two.”

 

“Then come with me. I’m sure they’d love to see you.”

 

“Ah,” Killian said, scrunching up her face. “It’s probably better that I don’t.”

 

“Why?”

 

“There’s almost certainly going to be a dark haired broody man getting drunk in the corner who I’d prefer to avoid for now.”

 

“Oh,” Sebastian paused before continuing, not wanting to push his luck. “And...why are you trying to avoid your boyfriend, exactly?”

 

He did his best to play off his question as innocently curious. It wasn’t very convincing.

 

“Well.” Killian began tracing her finger aimlessly along the wood of her dining table, avoiding his gaze. “Full disclosure, things have been up and down with me and Shane for a while now.”

 

“In what way?”

 

“Oh, you know. Big fights, big apologies, rinse and repeat. Stupid relationship stuff.”

 

“You don’t ever really talk about you and Shane.”

 

“And you never really ask,” she shot back with a wry smile.

 

She was totally right, of course. Sebastian had never fished for details about any of Killian’s romantic relationships. He knew it would only lead to him feeling resentful if they were going well and frustrated if they were going poorly.

 

“Well anyway,” she continued. “We had a pretty _considerable_ fight before I left for Zuzu and things sort of haven't calmed down since then. He’s coming over tomorrow to see Moira and the kids but I really don’t want to push it before that.”

 

“What did you guys fight about?”

 

“I told him that you and I kissed.”

 

Her voice was clear and matter of fact, as if she’d said the most normal thing in the world, but the words hit Sebastian harder than expected. He hadn’t even considered the possibility that Killian would have talked to anyone else about what happened before she talked to him. And hearing her say it out loud made it suddenly a lot more _real._

 

“...and?”

 

“And he didn’t like it. So we fought.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah. The excessive amount of beer cans in my room are from a couple of nights ago when we tried to 'talk everything out'...which was about as successful as you might guess.”

 

Just then the timer on the stove went off, and Killian got up without a word. The sight of her back turned to him filled Sebastian with a loneliness that made his chest feel physically tight. He wanted nothing more than to bridge the distance between them.

 

There were so many ways the conversation could move from here, and Sebastian had no idea which way he wanted to take it. He wanted to talk to Killian about the kiss. He _needed_ to. But he had no idea where to start. In a way he was grateful that she mentioned it first, but now it felt like the burden to keep things moving was on him.

 

He wanted to yell at Killian for dangling the promise of a relationship in front of him and then snatching it away. He wanted to beg her to give him another chance. He wanted to promise that he could be everything Shane was to her and more.

 

He wanted to hold her again.

 

Instead he just stared silently as she drained the water from the noodles and stirred in the sauce and kale. It smelled delicious, and at any other time he might have cared about that. Putting a lid on the pot, she stood by the sink without turning around, arms wrapped around herself.

 

“I’m suddenly not hungry anymore,” she chuckled softly, back still turned.

 

“Me neither.”

 

“Maybe it’s best if you head out then.”

 

Sebastian got out of his chair and crossed the kitchen to stand right behind Killian. He put his hands on either side of her waist and turned her around gently so that they were facing each other. She stared up at him with a look that took him a moment before recognizing. Her eyes had the same appearance of almost acute sadness that he had noticed when she was standing in the kitchen alone after her party. Sebastian wanted nothing more than to understand that pain and make sure it never came back again.

 

As if to will the look off of her face, Sebastian brought his hand up to brush her cheek. Killian finally spoke, her tone hushed but firm.

 

“You can still walk away, Seb. I won’t be mad if you do. No hard feelings, back to being friends. But _this_ \- what happened last week - can never happen again.”

 

“And what happens if I stay?”

 

He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and kept the motion going until his hand was brushing down her arm.

 

“I don’t know. Something that we’ll regret, probably.”

 

“The only thing I regret is waiting so long to do this.”

 

And that was all there was to say, really. Cautiously, as if she was handling something fragile that might fracture at the slightest pressure, Killian wrapped her arms around Sebastian’s neck. They stood there for a few brief seconds staring at each other before Killian closed her eyes and brought her mouth up to his.

 

This wasn’t like their first kiss. That had been impatient and almost harsh in its intensity. But now they both took their time. Sebastian’s lips played against hers for a while in a flurry of small, chaste kisses before he leaned into her body and teased her mouth open with his tongue. Her mouth was warm and inviting, and Sebastian relished the feeling.

 

While continuing to kiss her, Sebastian hooked his left arm around Killian’s waist to pull her closer and worked his other hand underneath her shirt. He could feel her tremble ever so slightly as he made his way further up her thigh. Seems like she hadn’t put on shorts after all. Or underwear, he realized with a shock. When his fingers moved gently across the skin there, Killian wrapped her arms even tighter around his neck and let out a low moan.

 

Sebastian broke off the kiss and pulled back when she tried to bring her mouth crashing into his again.

 

“Can I touch you?” he whispered, lust dripping from every word. Killian nodded, breathing shakily. “Not good enough,” he said, his hand resting motionless on her stomach below the belly button. “I need you to say it.”

 

Killian looked down to where his hand was and then back up to him. She only said one word.

 

“Please.”

 

Sebastian’s hand immediately slipped between her legs and parted her lips, and in turn he heard her audibly gasp. Not that he was holding himself together much better, either. How long had it been since he had touched somebody like this? And had it ever been this emotional, this...intoxicating? If it ever had, he couldn’t remember.

 

Killian was delightfully wet, and the tiny whines she made as he teased her clit were fucking heavenly. She had brought her hands down from his neck and was clutching at the front of his sweatshirt for balance. Her face was buried between his neck and shoulder, and Sebastian lost track of what he was doing for a moment as she started to lick and softly bite.

 

Regaining some modicum of composure, Sebastian kept at his work. His middle finger played around her entrance before he finally pushed it inside. The pure warmth that he felt, combined with the realization that he was really doing this, almost pushed him over the edge then and there. As he began to pump deeper inside of her, his thumb ghosted over her clit, running uneven circles around the tip. At first he worried about being too rough, but the emphatic curses coming from Killian seemed to suggest that she was loving this as much as he was.

 

“Is this fine?” he asked, needing to be sure.

 

“Fuck yes, Seb. Please don’t fucking stop.”

 

She began to buck her hips forward, and started fucking his fingers in earnest. He moved in time with her rhythm, and both of their breathing started to become more and more erratic. Suddenly her hand was palming his dick over his jeans, and he could feel his eyes almost rolling into the back of his skull. In no time she had managed to undo his zipper and pull his dick out of his boxers. Her hand worked its way up and down his shaft roughly and with insistence. She wasn’t at a good angle, but Sebastian literally could not care less. Every nerve in his body was radiating with pleasure.

 

When Killian’s whines got more high pitched and her grip on his dick got tighter, he realized that she was on the verge of coming. He brought his mouth back to hers desperately and pushed his fingers to work even faster. Killian let out one last cry and came with a series of small spasms. She never let go of his dick, and the sensation of her touching him while her orgasm caused her vagina to pulse around his fingers was absolutely too much for him. With a curse Sebastian came too, his semen spilling over Killian’s fingers.

 

The two stood there wrapped around each other, trying to regain their breath. Sebastian didn’t know what to say, and it seemed that Killian didn’t either.

 

He settled for brushing her hair out her face and kissing her forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can be found procrastinating writing at https://palisadesucks.tumblr.com/
> 
> \---
> 
> Happy smut chapter, everyone!
> 
> Hoo boy did a lot of overthinking go into this!! I wanted a full chapter with only our two lovebirds interacting so that I could do a better job of portraying their dynamic without other characters to distract. Cue a bunch of dialogue! Sorry for all the emotional baggage (but not really). 
> 
> And a big thanks again to everyone who's been supportive thus far!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These two crazy kids sit down and talk things out. Kind of.

He wouldn't actually admit this to her, but Robin was right. Waking up early did have its advantages. Sitting under a tree outside of his house, Sebastian took a puff of a cigarette and breathed out contentedly. The early air had more of a bite to it than it did during midday, and the grass was still glossed over with a light dew. And it felt right to be enjoying the last bursts of color along the landscape. This was one of the last real days of fall that the valley was going to have, with snow projected to be on the ground by next week. The thought alone made him smile. Winter - the one season where everybody stayed inside and minded their own business just like he did. He couldn’t wait.

 

It was 7 in the morning, and since it was a weekend and a festival day it would be at least another two hours before anyone in his house got up. He was only awake because he’d been unable to get any substantive sleep the night before, and at a certain point just gave up trying. Sleep troubles were rare for him. Under normal circumstances Sebastian would be curled up in his bed right now, dead to the world. But, obviously, things were not under normal circumstances. 

 

His mind was still restless after what happened with Killian yesterday. He was hard pressed to believe that it even  _ actually _ happened, much less be able to articulate exactly how he was feeling about it. But if you can’t sort through all of your complicated emotions while sitting under a tree at 7 in the morning, when could you? Closing his eyes and taking another drag of his cigarette, Sebastian tried to sort through his state of mind.  

 

First and foremost, he felt validation. He had spent years pining after Killian, trying to simultaneously convince himself that he had a chance with her and grasp at the tiniest excuse to not act on those feelings. Now he had undeniable proof that something was really there between them after all. It wasn’t just the intimacy. Sebastian wasn’t childish enough to pretend that sexual acts were automatic indicators of romantic interest. His own relationship history was proof enough of that. But there had been a palpable charge between them that made it more than a mindless hook-up. For him, at least. Casual flings were all about letting off steam without opening up or giving yourself the chance to get hurt. But Sebastian had been vulnerable with her, and as far as he could tell she had been vulnerable in return. 

 

Second, he felt immensely unsure about the future. They hadn’t exactly broken into tears and confessed their love after the high of their respective orgasms had died down. Killian had pulled herself away to go wash off in the bathroom, and Sebastian hurried out of the house before she could come back. He wasn’t really proud of that, but it had seemed like the best option at the time. Save them both the embarrassment of the inevitable “So what did this mean?” talk, and let him get out before saying something completely embarrassing. 

 

Still, he felt horrible about it now, and Killian was probably justifiably pissed. It was inarguably a real dick move to finger your best friend and then run away. Truthfully, Sebastian knew that he was only putting off the inevitable. Eventually the other shoe would drop and they would need to sit down and talk about things. Were they together now? Was she going to tell Shane what happened? Was yesterday just a one-off or did she want them to take things even further? Sebastian had so many questions and not nearly enough confidence to ask them. He supposed that he would just take Killian’s lead for now. 

 

Eyes still closed, Sebastian turned so he could feel the rising heat of the sun on his face. Confusion aside, he could hardly think of a time when he had felt more content. 

 

\---

 

“So Demetrius finally kicked you out, huh?”

 

Sebastian jolted awake at the sound of the familiar voice, and peered up to see Killian standing over him. She was wearing dark jeans and a thick blue sweater, and her hair was back up in its normal double buns. 

 

“Hey,” he sputtered. “I was just thinking about you.”

 

“No, you were sleeping.”

 

“Well maybe I was dreaming about you.”

 

“Not likely,” she chuckled. 

 

“What time is it?”

 

“Just past 8.”

 

“Damn, I slept for a whole hour,” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes drowsily. 

 

“So what are you doing out here?” Killian was grinning, which Sebastian took as a good sign that maybe she wasn’t as mad at him for bailing yesterday as he thought she would be.

 

“This is my private property. I don’t have to explain the things I do,” he said with a smirk. “What are  _ you _ doing here?”

 

“Moira’s train is coming in soon, so I’m meeting her at the station.” 

 

“And what’s that?” Sebastian asked, gesturing at the items she was carrying. She was holding a thermos in each hand and had a basket nestled in the crook of her elbow.

 

“Well these are yams. Last of the season, freshly picked as of this morning. I always give a portion of my end of season crops to Linus, so I’m just walking these over. And this is coffee.” She offered him a thermos. “I was going to leave it in your room for when you woke up, but clearly you’re a mountain man now. Artisanal coffee is probably beneath your rustic standards.”

 

“I’ll make an exception this time. Thanks.”

 

Killian motioned for Sebastian to scoot over and walked over to sit down next to him. They drank their coffee in silence for a while, enjoying the stillness of the valley around them. After a while Killian glanced over and spoke up.

 

“So you ditched me yesterday.”

 

“Shit. Yeah, I’m sorry, I just didn’t really know what else to do.”

 

“Most people would probably default to saying goodbye.”

 

“I just didn’t want to make things weird.”

 

“Things were going to be weird regardless. I broke down crying in front of you and two hours later you were literally inside me. That’s not a normal Friday for me.”

 

“Well to be fair, my average Friday is a bit different too.” 

 

“Exactly. So let’s just agree that it was weird for both of us and not overanalyze it.”

 

“Too late for that.”

 

She nudged him with her shoulder playfully.

 

“Sebastian, look. I’m not some blushing virgin, and neither are you. We both needed to let off some steam, and we had a bit of fun to take our mind off other things. No harm, no foul.”

 

She was staring straight ahead as she talked. Her tone was unfailingly casual, but Sebastian knew what a pre-planned speech sounded like. She’d been rehearsing this.

 

“You’re really okay with what happened?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“And you’re not mad at me at all?”

 

“Why would I be mad? If anything, I owe you one. It’s been forever since I got off with anybody but myself.” 

 

She was trying to lighten the mood, but Sebastian didn’t feel like joking around.

 

“So then what? You got what you wanted, so let’s move on and pretend that nothing happened now?” 

 

He could hear his tone getting increasingly defensive. He knew, objectively, that out of all the possible outcomes, this wasn’t bad. Killian wasn’t upset and seemed to be more than willing to keep their friendship going without skipping a beat. But her flippant attitude still rubbed him the wrong way. Because yesterday had meant a lot to him, and it felt like she was saying that she would have been just as fine if it hadn’t happened at all, or if it had happened with someone else. He realized that he would rather she be upset with him than not care either way. 

 

“Hey,” Killian finally turned to him, concern and surprise playing across her face. “That’s not what I’m saying, Seb.”

 

“Then what are you saying?”

 

“I’m saying... _ Yoba,  _ I’m saying that we don’t need to make this something uncomfortable that fucks up our friendship. That’s all I care about - making sure that at the end of the day, you and I are good.”

 

“We’re always good.”

 

“That’s not a guarantee, though! Friends cut ties for much smaller reasons than this. I’ve lost too many people because I panicked and pushed them away, or I made a stupid snap decision and they freaked out and bailed. I don’t want to do that anymore, and I  _ can’t  _ do that with you.”

 

“Well obviously I don’t want to mess anything up either. I just don’t know what you want to happen here.”

 

Killian’s eyes softened, and she put her hand on Sebastian’s shoulder reassuringly. 

 

“So I’ll make this easy, then. You and I are friends.  _ Best _ friends. Right?”

 

“Right.”

 

“But we’re also two grown adults with wants and needs that aren’t getting fulfilled like they should be. Shane and I haven’t had sex in months and I’m getting stir crazy. And have you even fooled around with anybody since you and Abby broke up?”

 

Sebastian looked away out of embarrassment but shook his head no. 

 

“Well there you go. Yesterday was bound to happen sooner or later. We were both feeling vulnerable, and we got caught up in the feeling of having a physical connection with someone again. I’m not upset because there’s nothing to be upset about.” Her eyes scanned his face, trying to get a hint at how he was processing her explanation. He said nothing, and she eventually sighed and kept going. “So that’s how I’m feeling about it. What about you?”

 

Now it was his turn to ignore eye contact.

 

“I liked yesterday,” he said simply. “I liked being with you.” 

 

“I liked it too.” 

 

Killian reached over to gently put her hand on top of his. Her fingers were freezing. 

 

Sebastian wasn’t used to having such a sustained conversation about feelings, and his instincts were telling him to drop everything and make up a bullshit excuse to go inside, but her touch gave him the encouragement he needed to keep talking. 

 

“I wanted to kiss you for a long time before the party, and I don’t regret yesterday either. There’s not a single time I’m around you when I  _ don’t _ want to be close to you.”

 

“How long have you felt that way?”

 

“Years? It’s honestly harder to remember a time when I didn’t feel that way.” Sebastian looked up to meet Killian’s eyes. He was surprised to see that she looked genuinely confused about that confession. “Is that such a shock for you?”

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“Why?”

 

“I just. I had no idea.” 

 

“I wasn’t being very subtle.”

 

A strained silence fell over them for what felt like minutes. All the while, though, Killian’s hand never left his. 

 

“Seb, I’m not going to be your girlfriend,” she said finally. Her tone was soft, almost apologetic, but the words made him tense up as if she’d physically hit him.

 

“...Why not?”

 

“There’s a lot of reasons. But for starters, I’m already in the middle of one relationship that’s in the process of imploding.”

 

“It’s not like you’ve ever been the poster child for monogamy.”

 

“Yeah, and look where that landed me,” she said with a humorless laugh. “Listen, it’s not like Shane and I ever laid down explicit rules. I could date people if I wanted. I just don’t have the mental bandwidth for it right now. I’m emotionally drained enough as it is.”

 

“Okay. Well if that’s where you’re at I’m not going to get on my knees and beg. But with the way things are, I don’t think I can go back to being just friends.”

 

He realized the way that probably sounded - like the proper assholes he endlessly mocked in high school whose lust and unwarranted romantic fixations made it impossible for them to maintain friendships with women. But he was being honest. There were a lot of things he could push into the back of his mind,  _ force  _ himself to move past, but he knew there was no way he could forget yesterday. It would be like asking Killian to break down those yams in her basket back into the seeds they were at the beginning of the season, as if she’d never planted them at all. Not possible, and a waste of time to try. 

 

“Well I can’t lose our friendship,” she replied. “So I guess we’re going to need to figure something else out.”

 

After a few moments, the familiar cry of a far-off train whistle cut through the air. The sound filled Sebastian with a rush of gloomy nostalgia. Killian breathed out deeply and moved her hand off of Sebastian’s. Standing up and dusting off her jeans, she gathered up her thermos and basket without looking at him or saying another word. He felt that she was trying to weigh what exactly she could say at this point that wouldn’t make things worse for either of them. He stood up too, and decided to take a chance. Not wanting a relationship didn’t mean she didn’t want him to touch her, right? He hoped so. He pulled her in for a hug, holding on tightly. 

 

“Let’s talk some more tonight, okay? I’ll come find you at the festival.”

 

She stepped out of his embrace and stared at him for a few seconds before balancing onto her tiptoes and bringing her mouth up to his in a light kiss. 

 

“Go get some sleep, Seb.”

 

And with that, she turned and made her way towards the train station. Sebastian watched her go before deciding that maybe some more sleep would do him some good. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can be found procrastinating writing at https://palisadesucks.tumblr.com/
> 
> \---
> 
> I REALLY meant to update this like 2 weeks ago but whoops, working a full time job and having a minor crisis of confidence in your skills as a writer has a way of pushing deadlines back. But I'm honestly expecting the next chapter up by the end of next weekend, so fingers crossed on that one!
> 
> This one's a tad shorter, mostly because I wanted it to serve as a stand-alone palate cleanser from last installment's smut and a framing piece for the chapters to come. I can't stress enough how excited I am for these chapters coming up. Drama is coming, ya'll.
> 
> Also poor Shane. Always being mentioned in conversations but never getting any actual scenes. This, too, shall change. (;


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's poke around in Killian's head for a bit, shall we?

Watching the train pull into the station, Killian thought about all the trips to the valley she and Moira used to take as children. They had been so young back then, lugging backpacks and suitcases almost as big as they were, pressing their faces against the windows of their compartment as they watched their mom and dad wave on the platform but quickly disappear from sight as the train zoomed away from the city. The summers that the two sisters had spent in the valley with their grandpa were so long gone that sometimes Killian felt like they had never happened at all. Like maybe she had read about something like it in a book or had a really vivid dream and then just started pretending that it was really her life. Thinking back on old childhood memories was like that; once enough time has passed from something it loses the weight of reality.

 

But still, she knew those summers had happened. She and Moira had loved it here. Their grandpa would let them run around the beach while he fished, or walk them around the valley and help them to pick flowers. He would pay Marnie a bit extra for his weekly hay shipment if she let them try to ride her cows. Once they got a bit older he would take them to the saloon and order them soda while they sat at the bar, and pretend not to see when they snuck sips of his beer. They hated the taste, but they were young and acted like they didn’t in order to impress the other. They never did figure out that he secretly had Gus water down his drinks just to mess with them.

 

Even when Moira stopped coming, Killian never did. Moira may have had summer orchestra practice or boyfriends to go on trips with or friends she wanted to see, but Killian didn’t. She supposed that was why Grandpa left the farm to only her instead of the both of them. She came to the valley every summer she could until her grandpa’s health took a turn during her sophomore year of high school. After that her parents convinced him to move into the city where he could access the kind of medical treatment he just couldn’t get from the town doctor. By the time he died he hadn’t been back to the valley for years.

 

It felt wrong to be back here without him. Or anyone. After all these years, she had never been able to shake the gnawing feeling that she made a mistake coming back. Or coming back alone, anyway. If Moira had moved back here with her, like she’d asked her to, then maybe things would be different now.

 

_I’ve got a life here, Kil. The valley’s nice for a vacation, but come on. What would we do there? You can’t tell me you seriously want to be a farmer._

 

For a younger sister, Moira always had much better judgment than Killian ever did. So she had stayed and Killian had gone by herself, and their lives were almost comically different at this point.

 

But none of that really mattered now. Because Moira’s train was pulling into the station and Killian almost felt like crying out of excitement.  

 

\---

 

“Whoah, Kil. This place looks seriously _amazing._ ”

 

Killian beamed and puffed up her chest a bit without realizing it.

 

“Yeah, I suppose it looks a bit different from the last time you were here. I’ve put a lot of work into the old place.”

 

“There’s a whole second floor!”

 

“And a bottom floor. Added a basement.”

 

“I mean, I know you told me you expanded, but seeing it is insane!”

 

“If you secretly hate it, let me know. If I text Harvey now I’m sure he’ll let you crash in one of his hospital beds.”

 

The sisters - and Cyrus, who was loosely holding onto Killian’s hand while waving at the cows ambling by the barn - were standing in the front lawn surveying the house and the farmland below. Amy and Tara had already gone inside, but Moira had wanted to take in all the sights outside first. This had been her home away from home too, after all. And now she was back after over 10 years. Killian hadn’t realized it until they were back on the farm, but she had been incredibly nervous that Moira would hate the changes she made - that somehow she would be personally offended that Killian had dared to build over the land their grandfather had loved so dearly. Killian knew it was a stupid thing for her to worry about, but she also supposed that people didn’t get to pick their baggage.

 

Moira turned and clasped Killian’s free hand.

 

“Gramps would love it. You did good.”

 

“How did you know I was worried about that?”

 

“Are you joking? You’re my sister. Your neuroses are my neuroses.”

 

“Well what can I say? We’re a sharing kind of family.”

 

The front door opened and the sisters turned their attention to the little girl standing in the doorway.

 

“Momma, there’s pancakes in the kitchen. Can I have some?”

 

Amy was the oldest, and never let anyone forget it. She looked so much like Moira with her dark skin and her gap-toothed smile. She had been the first one inside the house, adamant that she would get to pick which bed was hers.

 

“Why don’t you ask your Aunt Killian?” Moira called back. Amy simply looked at Killian, pushed out her bottom lip into a pathetic looking little pout, and shouted a please across the yard.

 

“I cooked them just for you, baby girl! Chocolate chips and everything. But share with your sister or I’ll kick your butt!”

 

She was essentially shouting into the void at this point, as Amy had sprinted back inside the second she heard the words ‘chocolate chips.’

 

“She has manners sometimes, I swear,” Moira sighed.

 

“Well where’s the fun in that?”

 

“Let’s head in too. Not to be dramatic, but our train was delayed for two hours and I’m literally dying of hunger.”

 

“Please don’t die on my property. I would have to bury you here and my life has enough supernatural shit in it already without you haunting my barn or something.”

 

\---

 

By this point Killian was used to the quiet. But when she had first moved into the farmhouse, it had nearly driven her crazy. She was too used to the city back then. In her old apartment, which she hated but rented because of its cheap cost and proximity to Joja Corp, there was no such thing as a quiet moment. If it wasn’t the sound of cars or trams rushing outside her building at all times of the day it was her roommate blasting television from her room and squawking on the phone. Or a dog barking in another apartment. Or the kid one floor below her practicing on his drumset. Or the married couple next door fucking against the wall that was on the other side of Killian’s bedroom. Or any of the countless noises that inevitably come with sharing a city with millions of other people.

 

She hadn’t even thought of losing all that noise when she made her move to the valley. Even when she had stayed here in her childhood summers, she hadn't truly appreciated the endless stillness. Not until she moved here by herself. Because as a kid, she always had Moira or her grandpa with her. She still shared a home with them and was able to take comfort in the sounds that proved that she wasn’t actually alone. Grandpa quietly coughing in the other room, Moira tuning her violin on the porch, the faint sizzling and rustling coming from the kitchen that meant someone was getting dinner ready.

 

There was none of that in her house these days. Beyond the creaking of the floorboards or the sound of her animals braying as they grazed outside, Killian was, more often than not, completely surrounded by silence. She had loathed it at first, and as a result spent as much time off her farm as she could in those early days. It was easy to not deal with your hang-ups if you were always filling the empty gaps in your life with other distractions. It’s why, back in Zuzu, she would always go out dancing when she had a shit day at work or got dumped. It’s not that she was in any particular mood to drink shitty beer, blindly hook-up with strangers, and listen to music blasting so loud that it would leave her ears ringing hours later. She just didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts. And there was plenty of time for being alone in the valley.

 

But now, if only for the weekend, she had those little noises back. It was all she could do to lie on the couch and let them wash over her.

 

It was well into the afternoon, and after breakfast and getting settled into their respective rooms, Moira had put her foot down and insisted that everybody take a nap. If the kids were going to be up late enough for the Spirit’s Eve festival they would need to rest now. A 4 year old getting sleepy and passing out in the middle of a haunted maze wasn’t anybody’s idea of a relaxing evening.

 

So Moira was resting in the TV room, and Killian could just barely make out the muffled sounds of whatever movie she had been watching before she fell asleep. Amy and Tara were clearly finished pretending to sleep now that their mom wasn’t awake to nag them, and Killian could hear the sounds of their feet upstairs as they ran around playing some sort of game that involved both high speed sprinting and jumping on the bed. Her favorite sound, though, was Cyrus. He had fallen asleep cuddled up against her on the couch in the living room, and she watched as his chest rose and fell with his breath. He was softly snoring. It had been such a peaceful moment that she had slept for a while too. She, like Sebastian, hadn’t gotten any sleep at all the night before. Not that she would tell him that.

 

It was right then that she remembered she was supposed to call Emily that afternoon and it had completely slipped her mind. She had promised to let her know when a good time to come by today would be so that they could shear Killian’s sheep together.

 

“Fucking fuck,” she muttered, before remembering that there was, in fact, a 2 year old sleeping within direct earshot. She reached for her phone on the coffee table and shimmied out of the tangle of Cyrus’ arms and legs. Scrolling through her phone to find Emily’s name, she stepped outside onto the porch so she could make the call.

 

And saw Shane.

 

She stared blankly for a moment, still shaking off the grogginess from her nap and not quite sure what to make of him being there. He was sitting in the rocking chair on the porch looking back at her.

 

“Fancy running into you here,” he said coolly.

 

“Hey. What..are you doing here?”

 

“I can’t visit my girlfriend?”

 

“You can,” she said, putting her phone down on the railing. It seemed like Emily would have to wait. “I just didn’t think you’d want to.”

 

“Moira might eat me alive if I didn’t come by to say hi,” he shrugged. “And I hate this silent treatment bullshit.”

 

“Silent treatment bullshit goes both ways, Shane.”

 

“Never said it didn’t. C’mere.”

 

He reached his hand out towards her, waiting. The inflection in his voice made it clear that he was asking, not telling. Killian knew that if she refused and went back inside, he would accept it and leave. Which was par for the course with Shane. He was always cognizant to not push her boundaries, just like she was always tiptoeing around his. Because that’s what happens when two supremely fucked up people try to make a relationship work - they try to work with each other’s baggage as best as they can, despite knowing full well they’ll bump into it eventually whether they want to or not.

 

Killian thought of saying something sarcastic, but the look in his eyes was so sincere that it made her heart hurt a little, and she crossed the porch without another word and took his hand in hers. He squeezed it gently, as if to convey his thanks for allowing him that much, and then guided her into his lap. She leaned into him and he wrapped his arms around her waist, face pressed into the back of her neck.

 

“Checked on the chickens on my walk up,” he said after a while. The heat of his breath on her skin made her shiver despite herself.

 

“And?”

 

“You were right. Peebee and Rhett tried to bumrush me as soon as I opened the door.”

 

“Ugh, I _know!_ They seriously get more diabolical with every passing day.”

  


“Well I don’t know about Rhett, seeing as you literally got him from a cackling witch at midnight. But Peebee’s a purebred blue. Can’t get better than that.”

 

“Yeah, but he’s corrupting her. And she was already a punk to start with.”

 

“It’s just teenage rebellion. It’ll pass.”  

 

“Hm. I’m not so sure.”

 

“Trust me.”

 

“I do,” she said simply, and the conversation tapered off from there.

 

In the time they’d known each other they had spent who knows how many hours knee deep in discourse about the intricacies of chicken raising, which was always entertaining, but she knew that neither of them really felt like talking about it now.

 

“So what’s the plan for today?” Shane asked.

 

“Just kick around here, I guess. The girls want to meet the animals, so that’ll sink some time. Eat dinner and then just hang out until Spirit’s Eve at 10. Everyone’s napping now.”

 

“I know. I came inside to find you and saw you zonked on the couch. Didn’t want to bother you or Cyrus so I just came out here to wait. Brought lunch, though.”

 

Killian craned her head back past Shane’s shoulder to peer inside the house. Through the window behind him she could just barely see the edge of her kitchen table, and the unmistakable shape of pizza boxes stacked on top of it.

 

“You didn’t have to do that,” she said, turning back around.

 

“Wanted to,” he muttered, and pressed a soft kiss at the base of her neck.

 

This, too, was classic Shane. He wasn’t good at sitting down and talking about his feelings, (unless you got enough alcohol in him) but he didn’t hold grudges and he tried his best to use small gestures to convey how much he cared. He was far more forgiving than Killian felt she deserved. She had said a lot of things she regretted during their last fight, and he had too. So him coming to her now with a peace offering was almost more than she could stand. She realized with a dry chuckle how stupid she probably looked getting all teary-eyed over a couple pizzas.

 

She shifted in his lap so that she was now sitting sideways with her legs hanging over one of the chair’s armrests. He draped his left arm around her shoulder. Killian was immensely appreciative for his touch. It was honestly one of her favorite things about their relationship; for such an emotionally closed off man he was surprisingly free with his physical affections. It was something that always brought her comfort.

 

“Thank you, Shane. Really.”

 

Taking her chin between his thumb and finger, he angled her head up so that he could lean down and kiss her. It was tender and brief, but it still left her head spinning after he pulled away. She wanted more of him. And then, without meaning to, she suddenly thought of Sebastian and the way he had touched her just a day ago. Which filled her with an intense wave of self loathing. Because really, what kind of a bitch thinks of another man during a moment like this?

 

"Shane."

 

Her voice was low, almost a whisper. She had to tell him what happened. She knew that. But after their last fight, which was just over a _kiss,_ she tried her best to steel herself for what was surely about to come. Sensing her trepidation, Shane arched an eyebrow and started to trace his thumb along her jawline, which he knew she found calming. 

 

"Hm?"

 

"Something happened yesterday. With me and Sebastian. I think we should-"

 

"I don't care," he said abruptly.

 

Killian just gawked, waiting for him to elaborate, but it looked like that was all he wanted to say on the subject.

 

"I'm sorry, what? Are you joking?"

 

"No. I've been thinking about it a lot this week."

 

"And you decided to just...suddenly not care?  We've been together for a year, and almost every fight we've ever had is about Sebastian."

 

"Listen," Shane had stopped tracing along her jaw, and his expression was suddenly intense and serious. "I still don't like the kid. You are perfectly aware that I think he's a shit."

 

"You've made that clear."

 

"So yeah, I don't like him. But I  _love_ you. So I'm done letting a guy I hate fuck up the one good thing I've got. You deal with him however you want. I don't need the play by play."

 

It was one of those rare moments when Killian was genuinely lost for words. Except for the most important ones.

 

"I love you too."

 

He kissed her again, harder this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can be found procrastinating writing at https://palisadesucks.tumblr.com/
> 
> \---
> 
> So like, I know this is a Sebastian fic...but I fucking love Shane too and needed to get some actual content in here about him. I also thought it would be nice to switch around perspective and get a better idea of who Killian is as a person/character. I love her too, but ofc I may be biased.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Abby have some news to share

Sebastian awoke to the sound of furious knocking at his bedroom door. He mumbled vaguely and rolled over, annoyance immediately washing over him.

 

“Fucking _what?_ ”

 

There was a moment’s silence and Sebastian tensed up, realizing that if it was his mother or Demetrius on the other side of the door, he was definitely about to get chewed out for cursing at them like that. But then Sam and Abigail burst inside.

 

“Hey assholes, maybe try knocking like normal people first.”

 

“Dude, we did,” Sam said affably, closing the door behind them. “You didn’t answer.”

 

“We also called a bunch of times,” Abby chimed in.

 

“I can see that,” Sebastian turned his phone over to confirm that he did, indeed, have 5 missed calls. “Sorry, I had a long night.”

 

“No worries, man. Killian said you’d probably be passed out, so we waited a couple hours before coming by.”

 

“When did you see her today?” He perked up a bit at that, and pulled himself up so that he was sitting up in bed with his back against the wall.

 

“Sam’s aunt came in on the same train as Killian’s sister this morning, so we ran into her at the station,” Abby said, fiddling with a Solarion Chronicles player piece on the coffee table. “Her sister’s hot too, in case you were curious.”

 

“I wasn’t.”

 

“Well now you know anyway,” she said with a wink. “Maybe you’ll have better luck with sister number two.”

 

“My luck is working out just fine with sister number one, thanks.”

 

Abigail raised her eyebrows inquisitively, but it was Sam who decided to call his bluff.

 

“Yeah? Because you were pretty tight-lipped about the whole situation last time we saw you. Any new developments you feel like sharing?”

 

“Not really,” Sebastian muttered, immediately regretting pressing the issue at all. He had told Sam and Abby about the kiss after Killian’s party, but that was it. He certainly didn’t feel like providing any new updates now - not when _he_ didn’t even know where things were going to land. “I just mean that things are fine. Back to normal.”

 

“And ‘normal’ means you’re back to obsessing over her without actually making a move?” Abigail smirked.

 

“That’s pretty much it, yeah. Thanks, Ab.”

 

Abigail had a really unique way of being able to cut through Sebastian’s bullshit and pinpoint just what to say in a way that left him unable to defend himself. It was simultaneously her best and worst feature. Annoying as all hell, but she kept him honest.

 

“Well, normal’s better than...not normal, right?”

 

“Yup. Very poetic, Sam,” Sebastian quipped.

 

“Shut up, dude. I’m trying to help.”

 

“Thanks, but not necessary. I’ve got everything under control.”

 

“Sure, absolutely,” Sam walked over to sit on the edge of the bed, flashing Sebastian with a nervous smile that made him wholly suspicious. “The thing is, though, that maybe you...don’t have things under control.”

 

“What?”

 

“He means,” Abigail cut in, “that this whole star crossed lovers, pining from afar crap is getting old.”

 

Sam rolled his eyes.

 

“I was trying to find a better way to say that, but yeah. This isn’t working for you, man.”

 

“Well I don’t really see how this has anything to do with you guys.”

 

“Come on Seb, don’t be like that,” Sam chided. “You know we love Killian, and we’d love for you guys to work out. But it’s been, like, _years_ of you flirting and overthinking and then not actually making any headway. At some point you’ve just gotta cut your losses and move on.”

 

Sebastian looked at them both and made no attempt to hide his scowl.

 

“I don’t know if you two have noticed, but I haven’t been beating myself up over the same girl for years because it’s fun and I like being miserable.”

 

“We get that, it’s just-”

 

“And please, enlighten me about how I should just ‘move on’ as if that’s how feelings work. And where did this even come from, anyway?”

 

Sam and Abigail shared a tense glance before turning back to Sebastian. He could see that they hadn’t said everything they wanted to say yet. Abigail kept fidgeting with the player piece as she chose her next words very carefully.

 

“So there’s there’s two things, really. One thing Sam and I want to ask you and then something we need to tell you.”

 

“Okay..”

 

“Sam and I are moving. Out of Pelican Town. Together.”

 

Sebastian stared at Sam, waiting for him to break out into a laugh to show that they were joking, but it didn’t happen.

 

“Uh. Where are you going?”

 

“Zuzu City,” Sam said, finally grinning. “All those times we went for day trips these past couple of months we were actually apartment hunting. And we finally found one, so...yeah. We’re moving.”

 

“When?”

 

“Next week.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Sebastian genuinely had no idea what to say next. He knew that it was stupid, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was suffering some sort of betrayal. Of the three of them, Sebastian hated this town the most. Sam mostly found it boring and Abigail just wanted to be somewhere she could get out from under the thumb of her parents, but Sebastian was always the one who was going to get out first. So they thought. After all, he was the one with the real job, the motorcycle, the lack of attachments. But he had stagnated, and they all knew it. And now they were leaving. His two oldest friends and the only people other than Killian he could stand to be around for more than five minutes. What the hell was he going to do in a town that didn’t have them in it?

 

Sam, who was always able to read Sebastian’s emotions on his face better than anyone he had ever known, moved a couple inches closer and lightly punched his shoulder.

 

“Hey man, I know this is super sudden, but we didn’t want to tell you until we knew for sure we were going to do this. It’s exciting, but we’re honestly freaking out over here too.”

 

“Yeah, I bet,” Sebastian said listlessly.

 

“Which is why,” Sam continued, “this next part is going to be even weirder. We want you to come with us.”

 

Sebastian must have looked really and truly dazed, because Abigail kept up the conversation for him.

 

“The apartment has two bedrooms, and if you don’t move in with us we’ll get a roommate or something, but we wanted to ask you first. The shittiest part about moving out of the valley is gonna be leaving you here. You’ve been looking for any chance to get out of here for years now. So come with us, Seb.”

 

Sebastian took a few seconds to collect his thoughts before speaking.

 

“So if this is what you wanted to ask me, why did you feel the need to bring up my love life first?”

 

Sam frowned a little bit.

 

“Because we know that if anything is going to keep you in this town, it’s Killian. And if she was your fiance or even your girlfriend we would get that. But she’s not. We would hate for you to pass up a chance like this for something that doesn’t end up working out.”

 

“You don’t know that things aren’t going to work out.” Another awkward shared glance between Sam and Abby. “Yoba, if there’s _seriously_ another thing you need to tell me just say it now.”

 

Abigail took a deep breath.

 

“It’s not going to work out because Shane’s gonna propose.”

 

Sebastian had to take a second to confirm that the sinking feeling in his chest wasn’t symptomatic of an actual medical emergency.

 

“Bullshit,” he said, but his voice was too small and shaky to carry the biting tone that he meant it to.

 

“Why would I lie about that?” Abigail’s brow was furrowed. “Elliott told my mom that a couple days ago he saw Shane walk by his cabin onto the far end of the beach. He was gone for a couple minutes, and when he walked back again Elliott saw the mermaid’s pendant in Shane’s freaking hand.”

 

“Does Killian know?”

 

“I doubt it.”

 

“She didn’t mention it when we talked to her this morning,” Sam offered. “And you know she loves sharing news. And even if she meant to keep it to herself, news like an engagement travels like wildfire in this town. You know that.”

 

She definitely hadn’t been acting like an engaged woman these past two days, Sebastian thought numbly. So there was still time. Maybe.

 

After another round of uncomfortable silence, Sam stood up.

 

“Look Seb, this is a lot to take in. But we’re serious about wanting you to move in with us. Kick it around and we’ll come talk to you tonight at the festival.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Come on, babe,” Sam motioned towards the door and Abigail got up to follow him. They both said goodbye and left the room without further comment. After a few seconds, though, he heard footsteps hurrying back down the stairs. It was Abigail, but this time she was alone. She walked towards the bed briskly and stood in front of him with her arms crossed.

 

“I loved you, you know. Back in high school.”

 

“Are you seri-”

 

“And do you know why it never worked out between us? And why Sam and I are so good together?”

 

“Why?” Sebastian’s voice was still meek and muted. He hadn’t seen Abby this angry in a long time.

 

“Because you never risked anything for me. We fooled around when you wanted and went out when you wanted, but you never put in any effort to keep me around. You haven’t changed, and it’s why you’ve never gotten anywhere with Killian. We really want you with us in Zuzu, Seb. But if Killian’s what you want, you need to start acting like it. Because Sam saw how unhappy I was and he took a risk. And Shane’s going to do the exact same thing. Soon.”

 

And then she was gone and Sebastian was left to sit on his bed completely dumbfounded.

 

Their visit wasn't more than a few minutes, but now that they were gone it felt like they had dropped a bomb on him. The news that they were leaving, the impending proposal from Shane, the request for him to come with them, and finally the all-too-accurate verbal assassination from Abby. Sebastian had no idea what he should even begin unpacking first.

 

But of course his mind went straight to Killian. He wanted to talk to her about all of this. He wanted her advice and her comfort, but honestly just her fucking _presence_ would be enough for him right now.

 

He realized with a shudder that this was all too much for him to deal with on his own. The tears that slid down his cheeks were what clued him into the fact that he was crying. Trying to steady his breathing as best he could, Sebastian grabbed his phone and dialed Killian’s cell. He just needed to hear her voice.

 

\---

 

Back on the farm, Killian was in her shed being pinned against the wall by Shane. She was standing in her underwear with her sweater and jeans strewn across a table where he’d thrown them. She stared helplessly as he dropped to his knees, never once breaking off eye contact.

 

“Say it again,” he said, rubbing her clit through her panties with his thumb.

 

“I love you,” she whispered breathlessly, which soon became a desperate mantra of ‘IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou’ as he pulled her underwear down and buried his face in her crotch, breathing deeply and working his tongue in a frenzy around her clit.

 

She vaguely noticed that her phone was vibrating, but she was more than content to let it ring. Shane, however, reached for it, careful to not let his tongue move from its all too important position. Once he checked the screen, though, he pulled his mouth away.

 

“It’s Sebastian,” he said, looking up at her with hooded eyes. “Do you want to take it?”

 

“Whatever it is, it can wait. Please keep going.”

 

Shane realized in that moment that if he had thought to bring his mermaid’s pendant with him that afternoon he probably would have proposed to Killian right then and there, with him on his knees and her panties around her ankles. But he hadn’t, and so instead he bit her inner thigh and put the phone back on the table.

 

“Shane,” Killian gasped. “Say it again.”

 

“I love you,” he said. And then his mouth was back between her legs.

 

The call went to voicemail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can be found procrastinating writing at https://palisadesucks.tumblr.com/
> 
> \---
> 
> Seriously, all the comments I've received so far have been completely sweet and amazing and a huge inspiration to keep this story going. Absolutely feel free to drop a comment! They (and kudos) are the only way I really know that people are reading and enjoying what I'm putting out there!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know what's cool, boys and girls? Sorcery.

Standing by the edge of the lake in the dark, Sebastian could almost pretend that the past couple days had been a hallucination. Almost. The mountain spot was nearly completely devoid of outside stimuli; the coming cold had driven the frogs and birds away, and there were certainly no people around to bother him. Other than the occasional lightning bug flickering in and out of his line of sight, the only light he could see was the small flame at the end of his cigarette. Normally he could at least see the small light of the lantern that hung outside of the adventurer’s guild from across the lake, but even that had been put out. Marlon was due at the festival, after all.

The moon was mostly shrouded by clouds, but Sebastian could make out that it had a slight reddish hue to it tonight. Creepy. But perfect for the Spirit’s Eve festival. He wondered absentmindedly if the Wizard had something to do with it. At first he had assumed, like most everyone else, that the Wizard was full of shit. A hermit with a weird gimmick and even less social skills than he did. But after some of the things he’d seen happen in the valley, Sebastian wasn’t so sure anymore.

Something about being out by the lake at night time made everything else in his life seem so far away. Which was good. Because if there was anything Sebastian needed today, it was a little bit of fucking space between himself and the realities of his life. It was days like this that made him sorely sorry that he had somehow managed to lose his only bong. Smoking with one always gave him a particularly heady sort of feeling that made it impossible for him to focus on any one thought for more than a minute or so, which sounded like just what the doctor ordered.

But thankfully, all was not lost. Taking another puff of his cigarette, which he had rolled himself with one part tobacco and two parts good stuff, Sebastian could feel his stress physically rolling off of him. He was running pretty low, which meant that soon he’d have to make a run up to Zuzu City to pick up more from his supplier. Marking that on his mental to-do list, Sebastian turned around and headed down the mountain towards town.

Everyone else was already at the festival. He had only been allowed to stay behind so long because Robin was being especially careful around him today. They had bumped into each other when he was slinking outside the house to try to call Killian again, and to his dismay she recognized immediately that he had been crying.

Sebastian was a pretty ugly crier, so it was impossible for him to pretend that he hadn’t been. Bright red nose, puffy eyes, quivering lip, the whole package. Rookie mistake - he should have stayed in his room until he was absolutely sure the coast was clear and his face was back to normal. She had reached out to try to comfort him, but he had jerked away and bolted outside, slamming the front door behind him. Too loudly. After that she hadn’t tried to talk to him again, and she simply left for the festival with Maru and Demetrius without him. He added ‘Apologize To Your Incredibly Forgiving Mother’ to his to-do list and pressed on.

Just then, the muted buzz of the phone in his front pocket caught his attention. Fishing it out of his jeans, his thumb hovered over the accept button for a few seconds. It was Sam calling.

Nah.

He stuffed the phone back in his pocket and kept walking, the buzzing eventually dying off. No point in talking to Sam if he was going to see him in a few minutes. Also, after having his calls dropped by Killian earlier today, it felt distinctly satisfying to be on the other end of the missed call game. Not that he was mad at her for not answering. Really, he had no idea what he would have even said if she had. She had called back and texted him throughout the day since then. He had ignored that too. He’d promised that he would find her at the festival, so he would have to make his awkward explanation there.

If he had any luck at all, he would make it through tonight without accidentally offending Killian or having to witness Shane get down on one knee and propose in front of the whole town. He didn’t think that would be very likely - Shane was just as private as he was, maybe even more so - but he worried all the same.

He wondered if Killian had any idea that Shane was hoping to get married. From the way she had been talking today and yesterday, he guessed not. Someone who describes their relationship as ‘imploding’ and ‘up and down for a while now’ probably wasn’t expecting a proposal at any minute. Something else Killian had mentioned earlier this morning suddenly came to mind.

_Shane and I haven’t had sex in months and I’m getting stir crazy._

He hadn’t thought about that too much when she said it; he had been too focused on his own half of the conversation. But now he kept turning that admission over and over in his head. Months. Shane was the only romantic partner in Killian’s life right now, but she wasn’t getting the physical connection that she so clearly needed from him. There were any number of reasons why those two weren’t having sex.

Maybe Shane didn’t have a big sex drive - he was out of shape and he was always drinking, which were two things Sebastian didn’t exactly attribute to someone who was a secret sexual dynamo. Maybe Killian wasn’t attracted to him anymore. Maybe they just never found the time between all their fighting to actually get together and fuck. Either way, it was good for Sebastian. It meant there was an opportunity for him to be there for Killian in the way that Shane couldn’t. The chemistry between them yesterday had been so intense, and she had responded to his touch eagerly. There was a real spark there and they both knew it. He could use that to his advantage.

Sebastian had, until this point, been walking with his head down completely zoned out. Looking up, however, he realized that he was going the wrong way. He had been travelling down the mountain towards town out of pure muscle memory, but hadn’t remembered that on Spirit’s Eve, that pathway was blocked off. The area north of town by the Community Center had been repurposed into the haunted maze, so to get to town he and his family always needed to loop around through Killian’s farm in order to get to the square. Now, he had a bird’s eye view of the town and the maze, but there was no way for him to get through without dropping down a way too steep ridge and fumbling his way along the sides of the maze. Cursing softly, Sebastian headed towards the ledge to make sure that there was really no way for him to get down.

“Hello, young tenderfoot.”

The unexpected voice startled Sebastian, almost making him lose his footing. He whirled around to see the Wizard a few yards away. Sebastian was surprised to see that he was sitting with Linus, of all people. The two were seated close to the edge of the overlook. Linus was carving away at a pumpkin while the Wizard appraised him coolly.

“Fuck, I didn’t see you there,” Sebastian said, cringing at how his voice betrayed how much they had spooked him. “What are you doing up here?”

Linus looked up from his pumpkin briefly and regarded Sebastian with a kind smile.

“The folk down there don’t really want to spend their evening with a wild man.”

“I have nothing to say to the people of the valley,” the Wizard said. “I prefer to watch from afar, as I always do.”

“Okay…”

This was weird. The _Wizard_ was weird. He knew that Killian was close to him, for some reason, but had no idea that he and Linus even knew each other. It was an odd pairing, to say the least.

“You wonder how Linus and I came to know each other.”

“How did you know that?”

“Your mind betrays itself too easily. You asked without words.”

Sebastian stared at him, dumbfounded. If the Wizard realized how freaky he was coming across, he clearly didn’t care. He waited a few beats before answering the question Sebastian hadn’t actually asked yet.

“We met in conservatory. Linus is a most accomplished mage.”

“Not anymore,” Linus offered amiably with a wave of his hand.

“He is a true and stalwart friend, and has been so for many years.”

“I was the best man at his wedding,” Linus grinned.

“Hmph,” the Wizard grumbled, a frown playing at the corners of his mouth. Clearly that marriage wasn’t a topic he wanted to discuss further.

Sebastian realized that this was the most he had ever heard the Wizard speak.

Setting his knife down, Linus turned the pumpkin around at various angles, appraising his work. Apparently satisfied, Linus waved Sebastian over. He hesitated for a moment, but eventually walked over and sat down in the grass a couple feet away from the two.

He watched silently as Linus presented the pumpkin to the Wizard, who in turn placed it in the grass between them and held a shaking hand over it. After a few seconds, a light flashed in the center of the pumpkin, and deep purple flames began to flicker from inside.

“Holy shit,” Sebastian whispered to himself. The two definitely heard him, but didn’t comment.

Sebastian had assumed that Linus was drawing a face into the pumpkin, like Abby loved to do in the fall. But with the fire illuminating the designs, he could now see that he had actually carved a rough ideogram onto its surface, although Sebastian didn’t recognize the image.

“Uh. What’s that?” Sebastian asked, pointing at the symbol.

“A blessing for the valley. Protection for the coming winter,” Linus said softly. “We do it every year.”

“Why does it have to be carved into a pumpkin?”

The two glanced at each other briefly before the Wizard responded.

“We are simply fond of pumpkins.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Not knowing what else to say at that, Sebastian shifted so that he was looking down the mountain. He could clearly see everything in the maze, although he had to strain his eyes much more to make out what was happening in town. In the maze he could see Maru feeling around the walls, probably trying to find a hidden door of some kind. Alex was desperately trying to vault over a particularly large hedge.

Sebastian could also see what was further along in the maze.

“Are those...giant spiders?”

“They are.”

“But they’re not _really_ giant spiders. Right? They’re a projection or animatronics or something.”

“I will let you think that if it brings you comfort,” the Wizard replied flatly. “Many in your town prefer to tell themselves simple truths, though they know them in their hearts to be false.”

Sebastian felt like he had just been insulted, but he could also sense that pressing the issue wouldn’t get him anywhere. He simply cast a sulky look in the Wizard’s direction and went back to people watching.

“Killian’s not in the maze, if that’s what you’re looking for,” Linus cut in.

“N-No. I wasn’t,” he protested, a bit too quickly to seem believable.

“She is not there, boy. She is on the beach," the Wizard said, sounding mildly exasperated.

“And how do you know _that_?”

“The bond between a mage and their apprentice is far more profound than you could conceive. Her energy remains known to me at all times, though she may choose to reveal more or less of it to me as she wishes.”

“What do you mean ‘her energy?’”

“I mean that I am ever aware of her location and the general condition of her emotional state, though I do not pry into her thoughts or ask for any explanations. She is similarly in tune with me, to a lesser degree.”

“I was not aware of your...bond,” Sebastian said, struck by the depth of Killian’s relationship with this bizarre old man who could light a fire just by shaking his hand.

“And yet I am aware of yours,” he replied.

“What?”

“She holds you in the highest regard. Her energy responds to yours in a way that I can physically feel, even from the solitude of my tower. No one else in this valley affects her in such a way. Surely you know this.”

Sebastian was once again left staring at the Wizard with a dumb expression of bewilderment.

“Killian would probably prefer if you didn’t keep blabbing all her secrets,” Linus said pointedly.

“Perhaps you’re correct, my friend.” At this, the Wizard motioned for Sebastian to stand up, which he did without a word. “And perhaps it is time for you to go.”

“Wait-”

Before Sebastian could continue his protestation, the Wizard held out his hand with his open palm facing the sky, and suddenly a low whirring sound filled the air. For a second Sebastian thought maybe it was his phone buzzing with another phone call, but he quickly knew that was wrong. This was a noise he could feel deep within his body, like his bones and nerves were vibrating with an increasing intensity. A gentle warmth began crawling along the length of his skin. He opened his mouth to try to ask what the hell was going on, but found that no sound came out. So the Wizard spoke instead.

Sebastian could just barely make out his words over the buzzing in his ears.

“Good evening, tenderfoot.”

And then the Wizard swiftly closed his hand into a fist, and Sebastian could feel himself being disassembled at a cellular level and shot through the air like a rock in a slingshot. The intensity of the experience was so overwhelming that he thought he might pass out, if that was even something he could physically do in this state. This feeling lasted for only a few seconds, however, and then he was at the beach, panting erratically on his back with his arms and legs splayed out in the sand.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can be found procrastinating writing at https://palisadesucks.tumblr.com/


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the Spirit's Eve festival, where the only thing scarier than ghosts...is emotional intimacy.

Sebastian sputtered and coughed, still lying on his back. He wasn’t choking on anything, but he also couldn’t stop himself. His body was still so shaken up from the Wizard...teleporting him? Yoba, the Wizard had _teleported him._ He was seized with another round of coughing as his mind tried to process what exactly had just happened.

 

“Sebastian? Are you okay?!”

 

Not even the sound of Killian’s voice could snap him out of his partial breakdown. He wasn’t even sure that it really _was_ Killian. Maybe he was just hearing things, or maybe this was some bullshit spell the Wizard was casting to screw with him. But then she was kneeling by him cradling his face with her hands, and he knew she was real.

 

“Seb seriously, are you okay?”

 

“G-good. I’m good.”

 

With more than a bit of effort, Sebastian pushed himself up so that he was resting on his elbows. That alone gave him a headrush, so he didn’t try to sit all the way up. Killian’s hand was instantly on his back, steadying him in case he fell backwards.

 

“Feel like telling me what the hell just happened?”

 

Killian’s voice was urgent and shaky. He looked up at her, still trying to fight against the whirling dizziness in his head. Staring straight into her eyes seemed to ameliorate his condition, though. She was just so fucking beautiful that it momentarily pulled his attention from anything else going on. He was suddenly gripped with the impulse to tumble into her arms and pull her into a kiss. But that was way too familiar, and totally unlike him. Instead he coughed again and looked away.

 

“What do _you_ think just happened?”

 

“Well it looks like you just - teleported,” her voice went almost to a whisper at that last word, “but that doesn’t make any sense.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Uh, because you don’t use magic?”

 

“Until tonight I wasn’t aware that _you_ used magic.”

 

Killian shrugged.

 

“Everybody needs a hobby. You play Solarion Chronicles and I dabble in the arcane arts. Big deal.”

 

Sebastian looked at her incredulously for a second, and then he barked out a laugh, which quickly descended into barely suppressed giggles. He had to clamp a hand over his mouth to get a hold of himself. He didn’t normally laugh like this, but he wrote it off as a byproduct of today’s stress finally breaking a bit. Or maybe it was a reaction to his body coming out of its initial shock. Possibly both.

 

Killian just smiled hesitantly at him while he pulled himself back together, clearly still worried.

 

“I’m assuming the Wizard had something to do with all this?” she asked finally.

 

The best Sebastian could manage was a brisk nod through his laughter.

 

“Figures,” she huffed, rolling her eyes. Apparently satisfied that he could keep himself up on his own, she took her hand away from his back. “The first time he did that shit to me I threw up in the middle of town square and almost blacked out. Alex had to carry me bridal style to Harvey’s clinic.”

 

“Is that something that happens to you a lot?”

 

“Oh, I’m used to it now. Honestly, I find it fun. It leaves me feeling a little bit high. Speaking of...”

 

She reached down and plucked Sebastian’s cigarette out of the sand by his side. He was surprised to see it. He had totally forgotten that he was carrying it when he ran into the Wizard and Linus, and had been too engrossed in the weirdness of that interaction to even think of tossing it. Killian sniffed it and flashed him with a devious smile.

 

“Why you would ruin perfectly good weed by rolling it with tobacco is beyond me.”

 

“Want a puff? It’s been a while since we smoked together.”

 

“I wish,” she said with a dry laugh. “But I’ve got kiddos to supervise. Also Moira would smell it on me in a second and I would literally never hear the end of it.”

 

At the mention of kids, Killian jerked her thumb behind them in the general direction of Willy’s shop. Sebastian peered over and saw that there were, indeed, two young girls sitting in the sand a few feet from the pier.

 

“Your nieces?”

 

She responded with a curt nod.

 

“They haven’t been to an ocean since they were babies,” she explained, “so I offered to walk them over. We were gearing up to head back before you, ya know, fell out of the sky.”

 

“My bad.”

 

Killian chuckled and stood up.

 

“I mean, you said you’d find me during the festival. I just didn’t assume your method would be so dramatic. How are you feeling?”

 

“Better.”

 

There was a faint pounding in his head, but the disconcerting feeling that he had been pulled apart and hastily reassembled had passed. Small victories.

 

“Glad to hear it.”

 

With that, she turned around and was about to walk back to her nieces before Sebastian unthinkingly lunged his body forward so that he could grab her hand. The sudden movement flooded him with that sickening dizziness again, but he did his best to ignore it.

 

“Kil, hold up.”

 

He immediately felt her hand stiffen under his own. She turned around to look at him and her mouth was a hard line, her expression dubious.

 

“Since when do you call me _Kil_?”

 

Taken aback, Sebastian dropped her hand. Thinking for a moment, he couldn’t recall a time when he had ever called her by a nickname. But he also couldn’t guess why she seemed to take it so negatively.

 

“Uh, I’m not sure. Sorry?”

 

Her expression warmed, and she brought her hand up to her forehead and sighed.

 

“No no, I’m sorry. It’s just - I haven’t been called that in a while. By someone other than Moira. You just caught me off guard, that’s all.”

 

“Oh. Yeah, I won’t do it again.”

 

Killian looked thoroughly embarrassed and seemed like she wanted to say something else, but then the two girls appeared behind her and stole her attention away.

 

Sebastian was struck by how strong the family resemblance between the three of them was. He was suddenly very curious to see what Moira looked like. The girls had on matching pink fur-lined coats that were presumably doing an amazing job of keeping out the cold. He knew they were a year apart, but honestly they could have been twins.

 

“Auntie Jane, we wanna go,” the slightly taller one said. He assumed this one was Amy, the oldest. Which would make the smaller one Tara.

 

“The water’s too cold,” said Probably Tara, kicking up the sand at her feet dejectedly.

 

“I told you it was gonna be cold, babes,” Killian said playfully. “But we can go back if you want. Your momma’s probably worried that I fed you to the whales.”

 

“We didn’t see any whales!”

 

“Well yeah,” Killian conceded, waving her hand in the air, “because these are valley whales. They fly in the air and only go in the water when they wanna chow down on cute little girls.”

 

“That’s not true!” cried Probably Amy, although both of the girls glanced up into the sky to check. Just for good measure.

 

“Hey, I live here. Trust me. Valley whales are all over the place. And if you don't believe me, just ask this guy,” she said, pointing at Sebastian dramatically. “He’s our local monster wrangler.”

 

The girls both stared at him with looks of abject wonder. Killian was looking at him with raised eyebrows and a devilish smirk, as if to say _Well come on and play along, you dummy._

 

“Well we don’t see valley whales in these parts much anymore,” he said, clearing his throat. “These days it’s mostly...sand tigers.”

 

“That’s not real,” Probably Amy said, crossing her arms.

 

Thankfully, Killian picked up the bit from there.

 

“Are you kidding me, Ames? You’ve never heard of a sand tiger? What do you think knocked this poor wrangler on the ground like this?”

 

“I dunno.”

 

“You do _so_ know, because I’m telling you right now! Come on, safety first. You girls have got to get off the beach and I need to get this sorry cowboy to the hospital.”

 

“You’re not coming, Auntie Jane?” Tara whined, tugging at Killian’s sleeve.

 

“I’ll meet up with you. I have to tend to this poor guy’s wounds and check the beach for tigers.”

 

With that, Killian bent over and kissed both of the girls on the forehead and watched as they ran off towards town. They disappeared without giving Sebastian a second glance. Once they were out of sight, she walked over to him and laid in the sand on her back. He joined her, and they stayed like that for a while, staring up at the stars shoulder to shoulder.

 

“Auntie Jane?” Sebastian asked after a couple minutes, his tone teasing.

 

“Shut up,” she said with a chuckle. “My middle name is easier to say so I just let it slide.”

 

“Got it.”

 

“Good.”

 

“So how was your day?”

 

Killian hummed contentedly and stretched her arms out in front of her face.

 

“Really nice actually. Having Moira and the kids up here is great.”

 

“You see them every weekend.”

 

“I know, but it’s different up here. Having them in the valley. Just kind of makes it real that _my_ family is all together on _my_ land. Moira hasn’t been here in like 10 years.”

 

“I wish I could put that much time between me and this fucking town.”

 

Killian turned her head so that she was looking right at him. He met her gaze.

 

“Do you really mean that?”

 

If anyone else was asking, Sebastian would have said yes. Hell yes. This town had nothing for him and he’d always known that. He’d wanted to get out from the moment he moved here. But looking at Killian, he couldn’t make himself say that. Mostly because when he looked at her he couldn’t imagine how anything good could come from leaving her side.

 

“No,” he whispered, a smile on his lips.

 

More time passed before either of them said anything else. Sebastian dug his lighter out of his pocket and smoked the rest of his hybrid cigarette. He listened to Killian chat aimlessly about her day and supplied short comments when they were called for, although he mostly just puffed away with his eyes closed, letting her voice soothe him. Eventually the cigarette was finished with only a tiny nub left, which he flicked away. Breathing in deeply, he assessed his condition. Any after-effects from the Wizard’s magic was long gone. The weed had left him happy in an untethered sort of way. Things felt good.

 

“Come on,” Killian said after a bit. “Time to rejoin society. Walk me back?”

 

“Sure. Someone’s gotta watch your back for tigers.”

 

\---

 

The town square was packed, unsurprisingly. Sebastian scanned the crowd for a few seconds before finding his family. They were standing at a table a few yards away. Robin was digging into a blackberry cobbler while Demetrius was saying something that had Maru doubled over laughing. He caught his sister’s eye and she waved at him happily. He raised his hand in acknowledgement and gave a small smile to Robin and Demetrius, who had both seen him.

 

He was more interested in the table next to theirs, where Sam and Abby were seated. He almost stopped in his tracks when he saw who they were sitting with.

 

_Fuck._

 

If Killian could sense that Sebastian had tensed up next to her, she didn’t say anything. All of her attention was focused on her family, who were by the big metal cage in front of Pierre’s where the walking skeletons were on display.

 

“Hey,” Sebastian said, dropping his voice so that anyone nearby couldn’t hear him. “There’s more I wanted to talk to you about. Can we meet up again before you head home?”

 

“Of course,” Killian said, flashing him with a dizzying smile. “I’ll see you.”

 

And with that, she strolled off to her people and he went to his. He assumed he was far less excited to meet up with his visitor than she was with hers.

 

Sam saw him walking up and waved him over.

 

“Hey man! Where you been?”

 

“I, uh, got caught up with something else on the way. Hey, Ab.”

 

Abby greeted him as best as she could manage with her mouth full of pumpkin pie. Their guest looked up at Sebastian with searching eyes and an impish grin. He had a messy crop of rust red hair and was wearing a long-sleeved navy blue shirt. The toned musculature of his arms and chest were apparent through the thin fabric. Sebastian’s throat suddenly felt very dry.

 

“You remember my cousin Benji, yeah?” Sam offered.

 

“Yeah. Hi Benji.”

 

“Well hi there. Long time no see,” Benji said, his grin only getting wider. His hand patted the empty chair next to him. “I saved a seat for you.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

Sebastian hovered for a second, trying to figure out a way to get out of sitting next to him. He came up empty, though, and accepted the seat.

 

“Did you get a chance to meet Killian’s sister yet?” Abigail asked cheerfully. From her tone alone, you wouldn’t be able to tell that she had went off on him earlier today. But then again, that wasn’t very unusual. She had a hot temper, but was quick to move on once she had some time to herself to cool off.

 

“Not yet,” Sebastian said, “but I met her nieces. They’re sweet.”

 

“Yeah, I think Vincent has a crush on them,” Sam chuckled. “It’s good to see younger kids around town.”

 

“And her baby boy is literally killing me,” Abby chirped. “He’s insanely cute.”

 

“What was his name again?”

 

“Cyrus, right?”

 

“Yeah, I think so..”

 

Sebastian cast a glance over to Killian and her group, which consisted of her, her sister, the kids, and Shane. The two little girls were clutching the metal bars of the cage and hopping up and down, trying to get the attention of the shambling skeletons inside. Anytime one turned in their direction they squealed and ducked behind their mother.

 

Sebastian was too far away to see her in detail, but it was striking how much Moira looked like Killian. She was a couple inches shorter than her older sister, but he could tell she had the same warm brown skin and round, wide nose that Killian did. Her face was a bit more angular, though, and while Killian’s hair was tightly coiled into curls that came to her shoulders, Moira kept hers in long dreadlocks that ran farther down her back. She gave off a compelling aura, and Sebastian thought that he would very much like to get to know her. The boy, Cyrus, had been hoisted onto Killian’s shoulders.

 

As his look lingered on Killian a bit too long, Shane caught his eye. He was glowering right at Sebastian, and when they locked eyes he pointedly wrapped his arm around Killian’s waist before pulling her into a kiss. She kissed him back and giggled when he pulled away, saying something that Sebastian couldn’t hear before kissing him a second time.

 

Next to him, Benji cleared his throat, pulling Sebastian’s attention back.

 

“So,” he said, looking at Sam and Abby, “when are you guys officially gonna be up in my neck of the woods?”

 

“It’s looking like we’re coming up next weekend,” Sam beamed. “Our parents are both coming with to help move things, and we’ve got the moving trucks reserved and all that.”

 

“Why, Benji? You trying to help carry furniture?” Abigail teased.

 

“Hell no!” Benji said with a snort. “But I will sure as fuck be taking you out drinking to celebrate once you’re settled. First three rounds are on me.”

 

“Sounds like a plan, dude,” Sam said with a laugh.

 

Benji, still smiling, turned to look at Sebastian.

 

“And what about you, starkid? Will I be seeing you there too?”

 

Sebastian bristled at having his old nickname brought up in front of his friends but said nothing. Why the hell did Benji have to be here today?

 

“We’re trying to get him to move in with us,” Abigail said. “Maybe you can talk him into it, Benji.”

 

“I’ll do my best,” he replied smoothly, leaning into Sebastian’s personal space. “It’s a hell of a city. I’m sure we can find something in Zuzu that’ll hold your interest.”

 

The meaning behind Benji’s comment was not lost on Sebastian, who looked away to hide the blush creeping up his face. Before Sam and Abigail could notice his discomfort, Benji picked up his empty glass and shook it.

 

“Looks like we’re all running low on pumpkin ale. Abby, hon, could you top up my glass along with yours?”

 

“Sure thing,” she said with a smile. “Sam, come with me. Your mom wants us to all take a picture together anyway.”

 

“Sounds good,” Sam said, pushing his chair out. “You want anything, Seb?”

 

“No,” he muttered.

 

“Cool. We’ll be back!”

 

And then Benji and Sebastian were alone. Benji shifted in his chair so that he was facing Sebastian while propping his elbow up on the table and resting his head in his hand. He flashed Sebastian with a wink.

 

“Come here often?”

 

“What are you doing here, Benji?”

 

“I didn’t know I needed to justify taking a vacation to visit my favorite cousin.”

 

“Well you do,” Sebastian snapped.

 

“Fine,” Benji said, laughing again. “Extended version: Jodi asked my mom to come down and spend the weekend in the valley. Mom mentioned it to me a couple of days ago and asked if I’d want to come with. I said I would, so I took off work and now I’m here. Are those enough details for you?”

 

Sebastian just glared, knowing that he was being unreasonable but also not caring.  

 

“You seem tense, babe,” Benji said in his infuriating sing-song voice. He reached over and placed a hand on Sebastian’s thigh, giving it a light squeeze.

 

“Don’t fucking call me that,” Sebastian said sharply, moving his leg away as best he could. Benji didn’t seem deterred, with that smile never dropping from his face.

 

“See, this is why you’re so fun. It’s so easy to rile you up. You know I’m a sucker for that bad boy schtick.”

 

“We haven’t been a thing for years, Benji. Cut the familiar crap.”

 

“As soon as you cut the brooding loner crap, _babe_ ,” he snickered. “I know what you’re about, Sebastian. You can act tough now, but you and I both know you’re not so tough with my dick in your mouth.”

 

“Holy fuck, can you act like a normal human for two seconds?” Sebastian hissed, whipping his head around to make sure that nobody was listening in on them.

 

“I can try. Can _you_ act like a gracious host for two seconds? After all, I’m just a tourist from the city. You’re not exactly making the case for peaceful country living.”

 

“Like I care.”

 

“Hey,” Benji said with a shrug, “keep the act up, then. Whatever. But I’m not afraid to say that I’ve missed us.”

 

Sebastian’s eyes shot up to Benji’s, and he saw that he was being sincere. Which honestly made it worse.

 

\---

 

Sebastian felt that the end of the night couldn’t have come any sooner. Shane never left Killian’s side, and Sebastian had no appetite to go over and try to talk to her with him and Moira watching. About an hour later, though, Marnie and Shane went shuffling back to their ranch, and Killian shot Sebastian a text letting him know that she was ready to meet up. He said a quick goodnight to his friends and family and slipped away while Benji was away from the table. After an hour of weathering Benji’s heavy flirtations in front of a completely oblivious Sam and Abby, Sebastian was itching to be around Killian again. He was exhausted.

 

He found Killian standing on the bridge that separated the town and the beach, and he quietly stood next to her.

 

“Have a nice night?” he asked.

 

“Yeah! One of these days I need to get around to asking the Wizard how he gets those skeletons walking around. That would be fun for the farm.”

 

“Is he still watching the town from up top?”

 

Killian cocked her head for a second contemplatively.

 

“No,” she concluded. "He’s back at his tower now.”

 

“Eventually you and I need to have a longer conversation about that dude.”

 

Killian laughed softly, but made no further comment.

 

“When is Moira leaving town?” Sebastian asked.

 

“Tomorrow afternoon.”

 

“I want to come over and see you after that,” he said quietly.

 

“Okay. How come?”

 

Sebastian hesitated for a second, but he remembered his game plan. Leverage what she wasn’t getting from Shane with what he had to give.

 

_Just be bold._

 

“I want to make you feel good,” he murmured, inching closer to her. He placed his hand on the back of her neck. Killian shivered at his touch, which he took as a good sign. Until she lightly pushed his hand away.

 

“I don’t think that’s a great idea.”

 

“Why?”

 

Killian straightened up, but didn’t look at him. From what he could see of her face she looked uncomfortable. And sad. Sebastian almost reached out to take her hand, but thought better of it and held back.

 

“Because you have feelings for me,” she said finally.

 

Sebastian searched for something to say in response, but came up empty. After all, he certainly wasn’t going to deny it. She continued without his input.

 

“I just don’t think that it would be...right. I feel like I’m using you.”

 

“I don’t feel used,” he protested.

 

“Not everyone that gets taken advantage of thinks that they are. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay, and it doesn’t mean I would feel less shitty. I just can’t lead you on like that.”

 

“But I’m _asking_ for this. And I know you want it too.”

 

“It doesn’t matter what I want.”

 

“Bullshit,” he spat.

 

“It’s _not_ bullshit,” she countered, anger creeping into her voice. “I’m not an idiot, Sebastian. You don’t just want to hook up. And if I agree to this you’re never going to be satisfied.”

 

“That’s not-”

 

“You’re not looking for me to be your fuck buddy, Seb. You want a girlfriend. And I already told you I’m not going there with you.”

 

“Right, because keeping me on a string as a ‘friend’ when you know full well how I feel about you is so much better.”

 

Resentment hung in the air between them, and Sebastian could only turn over her words in silence. He knew his sadness would feel even more raw later, but when he spoke it was full of venom.

 

“You know what? Fine. You win. But don’t you _ever_ forget that all this started because _you_ got drunk and asked me to kiss you. That’s on you.”

 

“I know that,” she said, voice wavering. “And I’m sorry.”

 

Sebastian didn’t say anything else. Neither did Killian. They simply shared one more charged look before he turned around to storm away, head suddenly throbbing again.

 

“Seb!”

 

He whirled around to look at her, but stood his ground.

 

“What?”

 

“I talked to Sam and Abby earlier. They told me they’re moving out and that they asked you to come with them.”

 

“And?”

 

“And I think you should. At least for a little while.”

 

Her words hit him like a punch in the stomach, and he just stared at her.

 

“You want me to move out?”

 

“No, I don’t want you to move out. But I think that _you_ do, even if you won’t admit it. They didn’t say it to my face, but I know they’re worried that you’re going to stay behind because of me. Because of...this. But that’s a mistake, Seb. There’s no future for you here with me, and if I keep you from moving along and doing big things I’m going to hate myself.”

 

“What happened to you needing my friendship?”

 

“I do need it. But I need you to be happy more. What kind of a selfish monster would I be if I let you hang around this town for my benefit alone?”

 

“You don’t get to decide,” he said slowly, “whether I leave or stay.”

 

“I know that. But you should think about it.”

 

And with that he turned around and hurried off, not risking a final glance back at Killian. He was worried that he might see that she was crying, and he knew that would make him lose all of his resolve.

 

Entering the town square, he knew that people were probably staring at him. He wasn’t crying, thank Yoba, but he was walking too fast and the look on his face was too intense for anyone to miss it. Luckily, almost everybody had gone home by now. It was getting close to 1:00 in the morning and it looked like only the younger crowd was still out and about.

 

He made a beeline for Sam and Abby, who were standing with Benji by the entrance to the haunted maze.

 

“Hey man,” Sam asked, a confused frown on his face. “I thought you were going home. You okay?”

 

Sebastian waved him away and came up straight to Benji, grabbing his arm and leaning forward to whisper in his ear.

 

“Follow me,” was all he said before letting him loose and heading into the maze without looking back.

 

“Dude, what the hell!” Abby called after him, which he ignored too.

 

Upon entering the maze, Sebastian made a couple fast-paced rights and lefts until he found himself in a completely secluded spot with three hedge walls around him. He recognized it from the bird’s eye view he had of the layout earlier in the evening.

 

At the sound of feet crunching on leaves behind him, Sebastian turned to see that Benji had actually followed. He stood at the entrance to the alcove with his arms crossed and looking exceptionally pleased with himself. But even in the dark, Sebastian could see the flush that was lighting up his face and ears. He always got this way before they fooled around; he flirted and put on a show like nobody’s business, but when it came down to initiate he got embarrassed, even if he wouldn’t admit it. Or maybe it was just the cold. Sebastian really couldn’t bring himself to give a fuck either way.

 

“So hey,” was all that Benji could manage to say before Sebastian had crossed the space between them and pulled him all the way inside, flipping him around so that Sebastian had Benji with his back against the wall.

 

“Just shut up and let’s do this,” Sebastian said sharply.

 

Benji, for his part, was all too eager to please. He always was. He grabbed the back of Sebastian’s neck in order to pull him in as close as possible, and brought their mouths crashing together without any hesitation. Moving his way underneath Sebastian’s sweatshirt, Benji dug his nails in a long line down his back, which elicited an audible gasp. Sebastian teased at Benji’s nipples through his shirt, earning him a hot hand down the front of his jeans. Benji quickly undid Sebastian’s belt and shoved his jeans and boxers down as much as he could without breaking off their kiss.

 

This was good. This was exactly what Sebastian needed. This was wrong and feverish and impulsive and everything that a reasonable person would tell him to take a step back from. This shit with Killian would have to get resolved at some point, and he knew that. But as far as Sebastian was concerned, no amount of sympathy, reasonable discussion, or self evaluation could beat out the feeling of Benji’s hand frantically grasping his dick.

 

“Fuck,” Sebastian choked out as Benji roughly rolled his thumb over his head, spreading the precum that had already collected there.

 

“Nuh-uh, baby,” Benji growled, bringing his free hand up to Sebastian’s throat and licking greedily up his jaw. “Can’t have you being loud out here. Save that for later.”

 

In a moment, Benji whirled Sebastian around so that they switched places before dropping to his knees. Before Sebastian had the chance to say anything else, Benji had taken him almost completely in his mouth. He didn’t move for a second, but quickly began bobbing up and down his shaft.

 

Sebastian covered his mouth with his hand in order to avoid making any noise, but he still found himself fighting to stay quiet. He grabbed a fistful of Benji’s hair and pulled. Benji groaned and it sent delicious vibrations along Sebastian’s cock, which drove him crazy.

 

He kept his fist balled in Benji’s hair, and began guiding his head back and forth at a faster tempo. Benji accepted the new direction eagerly, and continued to hum and moan intermittently when he reached the base of Sebastian’s dick. Sebastian could feel himself falling apart in this feeling. This was dangerous.

 

Benji pulled his mouth away and stared up at Sebastian, eyes clouded with lust. “I missed you, baby,” he said. Sebastian shuddered as Benji began to run his tongue up the inner track of his thigh. Sebastian’s shaft was still wet from being in Benji’s mouth, and he shivered at how cold it felt in the open air. “I missed your dick too.”

 

And then his mouth was back where Sebastian really needed it. He was sloppier this time, and the sound of him making wet sucking noises had Sebastian thrusting into Benji’s mouth at a wild pace.

 

“I-I’m gonna,” Sebastian gasped, realizing his breathing was getting louder and absolutely not caring. Benji’s response was to start working his hand along Sebastian’s shaft as well.

 

Sebastian came with a strangled cry, hot semen spurting into Benji’s waiting mouth. He swallowed it all and flicked his tongue across Sebastian’s head one more time for good measure.

 

“You happy now?” he panted.

 

Sebastian nodded dumbly.

 

“Well then,” Benji purred, lying back seductively in the grass, “get down here and return the favor, starkid.”

 

This was definitely dangerous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can be found procrastinating writing at https://palisadesucks.tumblr.com/
> 
> \---
> 
> oh my god, this chapter is done and I am dead. I sincerely hope you enjoyed. I actually meant for the Spirit's Eve festival to be done in this fic by like chapter 4, so the fact that I am just now wrapping this up has got me heated. 
> 
> also, please let me know how if this chapter length was way too much and I promise to never do it again. I've been torn between writing shorter chapters that update more frequently vs. longer chapters like this one that take more time but have more substance. your thoughts would be much appreciated.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac plays furiously in the distance of this whole chapter

Three boxes and a backpack. That’s all it took to break down and pack up Sebastian’s entire life comfortably and cleanly. Because at the end of the day, Sebastian realized that in all his years living here he hadn’t actually picked up a lot of things worth keeping.

 

His computer and various technological accessories, carefully encased in bubble wrap, went in box 1. All of his books and video games went in box 2, stacked and pushed in painstakingly like the ultimate game of Tetris. Box 3 was just for miscellaneous items: his pictures, Solarian Chronicles, tools for his motorcycle, etc. And all those boxes had already been packed onto a moving truck that had left the valley days ago.

 

It was just Sebastian and his hiking backpack stuffed with clothes left, and now they were on their way out too. If he could summon up the resolve to walk up the stairs and leave the house, that is. Instead he had been sitting on the floor for the past half hour just staring at the open door. This was the moment he had been dreaming about ever since the day Robin moved them into this quiet, humdrum town in the first place. But he also couldn’t remember ever feeling quite so scared. It was funny, he thought, how terrifying it was to finally get the thing you’d always wanted.

 

And then there were footsteps heading towards the basement, and Maru was standing in the doorway. She stood at the entrance and gave him a small smile, her eyes scanning the room that had now been picked clean.

 

“What’s up, Maru?”

 

“I just wanted to see how you were coming along.”

 

“I’m ready. I’m just. You know,” he waved his hand around vaguely.

 

“I understand,” she said, and he knew she really did. “Are you fine if I sit with you for a minute?”

 

“Sure.”

 

She crossed the nearly empty room and perched on the coffee table, looking down at him. She tucked her hair behind her ear nervously and smiled again.

 

“How are you feeling?” she asked gently.

 

“Good. Nauseous. Like I’m about to have a heart attack.”

 

“Sounds about right.”

 

Sebastian grinned and looked around the room again, still unable to get used to how odd it looked empty.

 

“What are you guys even going to use this room for now?”

 

“Mom’s going to repurpose it into a robotics tech lab so I can spread my work out more.”

 

“Hm. I sort of assumed you would move your bedroom down here.”

 

“The lack of a window is too depressing for me.”

 

“Fair enough,” he said, grinning wider.  “Shouldn’t you be working right now?”

 

“Harvey’s smart,” she said breezily. “He’ll be just fine without me for a few hours.”

 

“Hey, I’ve always meant to ask. Are you guys…?”

 

Maru scoffed loudly and bent over to hit Sebastian’s shoulder.

 

“Gross, Seb! He’s 30 years older than me!”

 

“Well I don’t know! Maybe that’s your thing,” he teased, dodging her fist.

 

“No, men as old as Dad are not my _thing._ Yoba, you’re just as bad as Penny.”

 

“Oh, I almost forgot about Penny. Hey, are _you_ two…?”

 

He had meant it as a joke, but the smile on Maru’s face immediately fell and her eyes got wide.

 

“Wh-what? Why would you? U-um, no?”

 

Maru desperately avoided looking him in the eye and continued to stutter out denials until she finally trailed off awkwardly.

 

“Oh Yoba,” Sebastian said, realization dawning on his face, “You are so bad at lying. How are you this bad at lying?”

 

“Shut up!”

 

“So,” he said slowly, he asked, laughter and shock playing at the edge of his voice.

 

“You and Penny. How long has this been a thing?”

 

Maru let out a sharp sigh and crossed her arms, still avoiding eye contact and glancing upstairs, as if to make sure that Demetrius wasn’t listening in somehow.

 

“A year,” she conceded. “Almost.”

 

“Oh shit. So this is, uh, serious?”

 

“Pretty serious, yeah.”

 

Maru looked deeply uncomfortable but Sebastian was too surprised to take the hint and drop it like he normally would.

 

“Does anybody else know?”

 

“Just you, now. And Killian.”

 

“What? You told Killian?”

 

“Well...she’s the reason we got together in the first place,” Maru said. “She sat us both down and sort of forced us to admit that we liked each other. And after that she let us use her farm as a place where we could go on dates and be together without anyone seeing us and starting gossip.”

 

“I had no idea,” Sebastian admitted, amazed that something like this could have gone on for over a year without Killian ever telling him.

 

“Well yeah, that was kind of the point,” Maru said with a light giggle, finally letting herself relax a little. “You know how weird Dad gets about me dating, and Pam isn’t the most...nurturing mother out there. Penny doesn’t want to have the ‘coming out’ talk _and_ the ‘I’m dating someone’ talk if she can avoid it. Her home life is stressful enough as it is. So we decided to just keep things private.”

 

Sebastian looked at his sister, sitting on the coffee table and fidgeting while talking about her girlfriend, and felt like he was seeing her as a person for the first time. It felt nice.

 

“I can’t believe this whole time I thought you were still crushing on Killian.”

 

Maru dismissed that with a roll of her eyes and a wave of her hand.

 

“We dated for like 2 weeks, Seb. We didn’t even kiss! I love her like a sister, but it was glaringly obvious from the start that we weren’t meant to be a couple.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Well I was pretty head over heels for Penny so that didn’t help,” Maru said, giggling again. Then her face got more serious and she shot Sebastian with a soft but knowing look. “And Killian only ever wanted to talk about you.”

 

Taken aback, Sebastian found that he had nothing to say in response.

 

“Hey,” Maru said after a few moments, “Mom was picking up some wallpaper at Pierre’s, but she should be on her way home now. I know that Dad wanted to talk to you before she got back. You should head up.”

 

“He gearing up for one last fight for old time’s sake?”

 

“Come on Seb, give it a rest. Let’s all have calm interactions today, okay? This is hard enough for everybody as it is.”

 

“Yeah, I’m sure Demetrius is really broken up about it,” Sebastian said, not attempting to hide his sarcasm.

 

“We all are,” Maru said firmly. “We’re going to miss you.”

 

Sebastian just stared at Maru for a moment, trying to weigh the right words to say. The two of them had never been all that close, which is something he regretted. He had allowed himself to project his own insecurities onto her, which wasn't fair. It wasn’t her fault that she was smarter and more likeable than him, but he had convinced himself that she looked down on him and hated him all the same. The moments where they did actually spend time together, moments like this one, were too few and far between, and so they had never gotten into the habit of regular sibling things like saying they loved each other or speaking candidly about their private lives. But he suddenly realized that he was really going to miss her too.

 

It was a bittersweet revelation.

 

\---

 

When Sebastian got to the top of the stairs he saw that Demetrius was sitting in the lab assessing a chart on the wall across from him. Sebastian unwittingly tensed up as soon as they made eye contact and had to fight back the urge to immediately say something rude.

 

“Hello Sebastian,” Demetrius said coolly, turning slightly to face him.

 

“Hello Demetrius.”

 

Sebastian hated how interacting with his stepfather got him like this. All cagey and defensive. He understood objectively that he was at least half of the problem - he was hardly the poster child for dutiful sons across the globe. But there’s only so far he could go in terms of rolling out the red carpet for the guy who served as a daily reminder of just how shitty Sebastian’s real dad was.

 

Demetrius’ brow furrowed as he appraised Sebastian and he cleared his throat before speaking again. Conversation never did come easy between the two of them.

 

“You all packed?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You sure you’re not going to tip over on that motorcycle of yours with all the extra weight of your backpack?”

 

“I’m sure.”

 

“Well okay then.”

 

The awkward silence that ensued was blessedly broken by Maru, who had waited a bit before following Sebastian up the stairs. She glided past him towards the direction of her room before turning around to poke her head into the lab.

 

“Daddy, why don’t you show Seb the surprise?”

 

“I will. Thanks, sweetie,” Demetrius answered, flashing Maru with a smile that conveyed more natural warmth than he had ever shown to Sebastian. Maru smiled back and quickly pulled Sebastian into a hug.

 

“Drive safe,” she murmured before going back to her room and closing the door behind her. He watched her go before turning back to Demetrius.

 

“What surprise?” he asked pointedly.

 

Demetrius shifted in his seat and motioned for Sebastian to come and sit down in the chair next to him. While Sebastian walked over, Demetrius bent over to fish an envelope out of his suitcase.

 

“Your mother and I,” Demetrius began, “are worried about how you’re going to afford all this.”

 

Sebastian grimaced but didn’t say anything. So this was going to be a money conversation. Great. How many times had the two of them gotten into it over whether or not Sebastian’s job was valid? Demetrius flipped the envelope over and over in his hands as he continued to speak.

 

“I know that your freelancing was enough to keep money in your pocket while you were living here with us, but the city is expensive. More than I think you understand. Rent alone is going to make it hard to keep your head above water if you don’t have a stable income. I’m just worried you haven’t really thought this through completely.”

 

“You think I decided to move out without thinking it through?” Sebastian asked icily.

 

“What I think is that the city is exciting and you wanted to go figure life out with your friends. And that’s normal for a young man your age. But we’re your parents and it’s natural for us to worry. Which is why I arranged for this. To help you along.”

 

He held out the envelope for Sebastian to take. Sebastian just looked at it before glaring up at Demetrius.

 

“I don’t want your money.”

 

“And why not?”

 

“Because I’m not a kid and I can take care of myself. I have money in the bank.”

 

“I see,” Demetrius said with a slight frown. “And what happens if your bike breaks down on the side of the road and you need to pay to have major repairs done? Or you get sick and end up in the hospital? Or Sam and Abigail break up and suddenly you need to cover for rent when one of them moves out?”

 

Sebastian just glowered at that. He did have a pretty nice savings account built up from his freelancing, but he’d been taking on jobs less and less recently. There hadn’t been all that much need to work, given that his housing and food were free while living at home. He figured that he could just pick up more jobs in Zuzu, but he didn’t have any firm clients yet. But still, he didn’t want pity handouts. He would rather struggle secretly than give Demetrius the satisfaction of knowing that his stepson was the fuck-up that he always assumed he was.

 

“I’ll figure it out,” he finally grumbled with a shrug. “But I still don’t want your money.”

 

“Well you’re in luck then,” Demetrius said with a sigh. “Because this isn’t money.”

 

“What is it, then?” Sebastian asked, curiosity piqued.

 

“Just take it, son.”

 

After a moment’s pause, Sebastian took the envelope and turned it over. It was addressed to him from someone he had never heard of before, but he recognized the logo in the corner. Ferngill University of Science and Technology. He shot a confused look up at Demetrius, but opened the letter without saying anything else.

 

It was a letter - less than a page and from someone named Dr. Pat Kilmer. He scanned over it quickly in order to get some idea as to why this random person was writing to him, and why Demetrius had intercepted it. Once he had finished it, though, he was lost for words.

 

“You...got me a job?”

 

“I got you a connection. And a job interview,” Demetrius said simply.

 

“Who is this guy?”

 

“Pat? He’s an old friend. We used to be lab partners back in grad school and ended up being colleagues when we were both part of the research team at FUST. Haven’t seen him in years, but when you told us you were moving I figured I should drop him a line and call in an old favor.”

 

“A favor?”

 

“I picked up a lot of late night projects to cover for him back in the day,” Demetrius said wistfully. “It was the least he could do to ask around and see if anyone knew of any job openings that might be good for my son.”

 

“Well. Uh, thanks.”

 

“You’re welcome. You don’t have to meet with him obviously, but your mother and I would feel better knowing that you have steady work. It’s a tech job, so it shouldn’t be anything you’re not already used to.”

 

“Thanks, Demetrius. Really.”

 

“Of course,” he said, pushing himself out of his chair. He looked down at Sebastian with a rare softness in his eyes. He placed his hand on Sebastian’s shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly. “I’m proud of you, Sebastian. I know I didn’t tell you that as often as I should have, and I’m sorry for it. But I think this move is going to be good for you.”

 

Sebastian didn’t really know what to say. This kind of parental interaction was beyond his experience to handle naturally, and so he just gave Demetrius a nod. If Demetrius was offended by the minimal reaction he didn’t show it.

 

“Well,” he said, “I’m going to get back to work now. I think I hear your mom in the garage. You heading out now?”

 

“Once I say goodbye to mom, yeah.”

 

“Okay then. Call us when you get there.”

 

“Sure.”

 

\---

 

Sebastian stood at the entrance to the garage with his backpack slung over his shoulder watching Robin unpack her bag of whatever she’d bought at Pierre’s. When she saw him, however, she dropped everything and practically ran over to him, immediately gathering him up in her arms into a huge hug.

 

“Sebby, what am I going to do without you here?” She blurted out, her voice already shaking.

 

“It’s going to be fine, mom.”

 

He tried to pull away, but she gripped him even tighter in response. He eventually gave in and hugged her back.

 

“This happened way too fast. Are you sure you really want to do this?”

 

“I’m sure. I’ll just be running in circles out here if I stay.”

 

Robin sniffled and held him at arm’s length to look at his face.

 

“When did you get so grown up?”

 

“I don’t know. You feeling old?”

 

She laughed at that and continued to chuckle as she wiped a tear away.

 

“More than you think,” she said. “Have you heard from Sam and Abby? You’re sure they got your stuff?”

 

“Yeah, mom. My boxes arrived two days ago.”

 

“Okay. Are you sure you don’t want me to come up with you and help you get settled?”

 

“I’m sure. Sam and Abby have me covered.”

 

Robin pouted, but didn’t give any more pushback. This was a conversation that they had gone over multiple times in the past week, and she knew he wasn’t going to budge. Making the drive up alone was important to him, in a symbolic kind of way. Also he didn’t have the emotional stamina required to be around his crying mother all day. This was difficult enough.

 

“I just don’t like the idea of you alone on these roads in the winter. You could hit some ice and spin out.”

 

“I’ve ridden my bike during the winter for years, mom. I’ll be fine. You know the highway is salted anyway.”

 

“Well why don’t you stay long enough for us all to eat one last lunch together? I’ll call down to Gus’ and reserve a table.”

 

“I should really get on the road. It’s a 5 hour drive if I don’t hit any traffic and I want to be in the city before it’s dark.”

 

Robin sighed deeply and didn’t even attempt to wipe away her tears this time. Sebastian could feel himself getting choked up too, but he pulled himself together. He needed to seem like he was ready for this. Robin gave him one more hug before letting him go.

 

“I love you, honey,” she said.

 

“I love you too, mom.”

 

\---

 

By the time Sebastian shuffled out of the elevator and walked out onto the eighth floor of his new apartment building, he was tired to the point of exhaustion. The ride out of the valley had been smooth enough, but by the time he got closer to Zuzu the traffic was unbelievable. It ended up adding a full hour and a half to his travel time, and so by the time he pulled up to his apartment it was night. On top of that, his ratty sweatshirt had done absolutely nothing to fight back against the biting cold of the wind on the open highway. He was still shivering. He was starving. His back was aching.

 

And yet, standing outside apartment 809, Sebastian couldn’t help but feel a rush of accomplishment. He was currently standing in Zuzu City. Because he lived here now. He could hear the laughter of his friends on the other side of the door. His oldest friends in the world. Because they _all_ lived here now. Putting his apartment key in the lock and turning the door, Sebastian took a deep breath and stepped into his new life.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can be found procrastinating writing at https://palisadesucks.tumblr.com
> 
> \---
> 
> Hey babes! I'd really been enjoying the ~updating at least once every week~ thing, so I actually felt guilty as hell for taking these 2.5 weeks off. However work had me pretty busy lately, I was out of town last weekend, and tbh I just found this chapter difficult to write for whatever reason. Regardless, I missed updating and I missed your lovely comments.


	12. Chapter 12

By the time Sebastian’s alarm went off he had been in and out of sleep for over an hour. This was generally shaping up to be his new normal, and he wasn’t happy about it. He often wondered if he would ever be able to sleep as soundly as he did back home. He had moved to Zuzu over a month ago and had gotten used to a lot of things, but the constant noise wasn’t one of them. Thinking about it, Sebastian couldn’t remember a single time since he moved here that he had made it all the way through the night without being woken up by an asshole neighbor, an airplane zooming overhead, a siren blaring as a cop or an ambulance raced down the street, or any of the other maddeningly loud noises that Zuzu City locals seemed perfectly able to tune out.

 

On top of that, a stop on one of the city’s main tram lines ran directly in the middle of the street that Sebastian’s building faced. Which meant that every 15 or so minutes a train would come rolling in, sending palpable vibrations all through the apartment. Sam didn’t care, since that metro line made getting to work a breeze for him. Abby found the tremors relaxing. Sebastian hated them with a passion. Luckily enough for him, though, he didn’t have to worry about that this morning. Because the apartment he was waking up in wasn’t his.

 

Sebastian fumbled for his phone blindly and turned the alarm off with a groan. He got up slowly, head still throbbing and spinning madly from everything he’d gotten into the night before.

 

“Fuck,” he whispered to himself, cradling his head in his hands and choking back the sudden nausea rising in his stomach. The only thing worse than waking up hungover was waking up hungover and then having to go to work. He knew he shouldn’t have had so much to drink last night. Why the hell did he even agree to go out?

 

Behind him, Benji stretched out and rolled over drowsily to face him. The sheets had gotten kicked off as the two of them tossed and turned throughout the night and he was sprawled across the bed, completely naked.

 

Oh yeah. That’s why.

 

“Well good morning, handsome,” Benji sighed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “Nice bedhead.”

 

Tamping his hair down self-consciously, Sebastian rummaged around for wherever he had flung his clothes the night before. He found his pants on the floor and snatched his underwear, which was hooked on one of the bedposts.

 

“What time is it?” Benji asked.

 

“5:30.”

 

“So early...wanna skip work and come back to bed?”

 

“No.”

 

“Aw, come on,” he prodded. “We can go grab breakfast later. I’ll take you to the cafe with the peppermint coffee you like.”

 

“I said no.”

 

“ _Someone’s_ cranky this morning.”

 

“This was the last time, Benji,” Sebastian said, avoiding his eyes. He meant to sound authoritative and firm, but that was hard to do while also shimmying into a pair of skinny jeans.

 

Benji coughed out a laugh, watching Sebastian with sleep-lidded eyes. “ _Sure_.”

 

“I’m serious.”

 

“Got it, babe. Totally serious,” he giggled into his pillow. “Just like you were serious last time. And the time before that.”

 

His comment barbed Sebastian, largely because he was completely right. They’d had this exact conversation way too many times for it to carry any weight anymore.

 

“Where’s my fucking shirt?” he grumbled, rummaging around the room.

 

“Hmm. Check the living room,” Benji yawned. “Remember how you and I were making out on the couch and then you said you wanted me to-”

 

“I remember,” Sebastian cut him off.

 

“Well then that’s probably where you left your shirt.”

 

Sebastian avoided his gaze while he pulled his socks on.

 

“..Thanks.”

 

“No problem. Lock the door on your way out.”

 

\---

 

Sebastian was eternally grateful that he had moved to Zuzu City in the winter. Practically everyone he had spoken to about it bemoaned his timing, looking sympathetically and saying that it was such a shame that he came here when the weather was so foul, but _just wait_ until summer hits. Once the weather got better, everyone insisted, the streets were packed and the city really came alive. As far as he was concerned, summer couldn’t come any slower.

 

Hands shoved deep in his pockets and carefully avoiding patches of ice, Sebastian practically limped down the steps of Benji’s apartment building and turned onto the pavement. His hair and face was still damp from the shower he had taken before heading out, which didn't make the temperature outside any more bearable. It was still way too early for most people to be awake and heading to work, meaning that the snow on the ground was still fresh and made a satisfying crunching sound when Sebastian stepped on it. This was nice. It was the dirty, wet slush that the snow would turn into after hundreds of people got a chance to trample on it that would make it unpleasant. But for now, it was nice.

 

Getting to work from Benji’s apartment took about 10 minutes if he called a cab and around 20 if he walked to the nearest subway station. Sebastian hated that he knew that fact without having to check on his phone, but there was nothing to do about it now. Except, of course, swear up and down that he wasn’t going to see Benji again - wasn’t going to give in and call him the next time he was high or lonely or both and just needed a body to use for the night and didn’t want to go home. But there was nobody he could really swear that to except for himself, and even he didn’t believe it. Sam and Abigail still didn’t know what was going on, somehow, and Benji was past the point of listening to anything Sebastian told him.

 

Standing on the street corner, Sebastian swayed a bit as he tried to figure out exactly how he wanted to get to work. He was still royally hungover, and he knew full well that being on the subway would just make him want to throw up. It had a way of flipping his stomach even when he was sober, and he balked at the idea of getting on it now. So it was either a cab or walking. A cab wouldn’t be too expensive, he reasoned, but he was also hesitant to spend any more money after the blowout that he and Benji had at the bar the night before. So walking it is, then.

 

Just then, a particularly strong wind gusted past, watering his eyes and forcing him to squint. He sighed and watched the air puff out in front of his face. He tucked his head down and headed east.

 

\---

 

Sebastian arrived at the university half an hour later, chilled to the bone and still nursing a truly epic headache. Fingers numb from the cold, he shakily fished out his set of keys from his coat pocket and unlocked the side entrance that led to the labs. Thankfully, it was still far too early for students or professors to be walking around. The coffee shop downstairs wouldn’t even be open for another hour. Sebastian was able to make it to his office without anybody holding him up to chat.

 

One of Sebastian’s favorite things about his job was the fact that he got to be the first one in the office. He (surprisingly) got along well with all of his coworkers on the support staff, but there was still nothing that beat the first hour of his shift where he could be totally and completely alone before the day kicked into gear. There was something incredibly nostalgic about Sebastian being by himself in an empty room typing away at lines of code. If he let himself zone out enough he could almost pretend that he was back home, tucked away comfortably in the basement. But that feeling only lasted for a few seconds. He understood all too well that he wasn’t back in Pelican Town. His mom wasn’t upstairs making small talk with customers or cooking dinner. If he walked outside of this building he would find a busy street lined with shops, not a quiet mountain lake. And Killian wasn’t going to burst through the door with a stupid story or a random gift that he would thank her for and then hold to his chest at night. He shoved his hand into the front pocket of his jeans and rubbed at the obsidian stone he kept with him.

 

Thinking about Killian still hurt - more than he felt comfortable admitting to Sam and Abby. He was ashamed at how much he had let his feelings for one person dictate his whole life. He was still hooking up with Benji - someone who he recognized as a mistake before they ever reconnected and who brought him equal parts pleasure and irritation - because he had wanted to rebound after Killian rejected his advances. He had agreed to move to Zuzu because Abigail’s claim that Shane was about to propose was too much for him to handle, and he didn’t want to have to spend the rest of his days in Pelican Town with Killian running around happily with her husband while he watched from the sidelines.

 

But he still loved her. He thought about her everyday, and knowing that she didn’t live a short walk away from him anymore brought him an unexpected amount of distress. So much had happened that he wanted to talk to her about. He wanted to tell her about his job. He wanted to hear her laugh when he told her about his landlord who liked to walk her cat around the building on a leash. He wanted to sit back and listen to her rant about some problem she was having with her chickens. But he couldn’t do any of that, because he hadn’t seen or spoken to her since the Spirit’s Eve Festival. He hadn’t even said goodbye when he moved away. She still came up to Zuzu to visit her family almost every weekend, and she had taken Sam and Abby to dinner twice. But he had stayed behind both times, and she never came to the apartment.

 

He was happy in Zuzu City, he reminded himself. He _had_ to be. This was the place that he obsessed over for years. What did it say about him as a person if he could toss away his entire life back home just for a chance to chase his dream, and then he didn’t even like it that much when he got it? The city itself was great. There was an endless variety of things to do and places to see. But he was still lonely, and that soured everything.

 

Trying to push it out of his mind, Sebastian booted up his computer and got to work.

 

Ellen showed up about an hour later, huffing and cursing like she always did when she was safely inside and out of the cold. He could barely see her underneath all of her layers - she was wearing a bright red winter coat that was zipped all the way up, and her matching knitted cap and scarf obscured so much of her face that he could only see her eyes, the bridge of her nose, and the strands of her strawberry blond hair that had been battered by the wind.

 

“Hey Sebastian,” she said, her voice muffled by her scarf. “Good morning.”

 

“Morning,” he muttered, eyes glued on his computer screen. He glanced up briefly and smirked at her, “Nice weather we’re having.”

 

“Shut up. Why are the lights so low in here?”

 

“I’m hungover.”

 

“Right on,” she said with a nod. “Grayscale?”

 

“Nah. Emerson’s.”

 

“Ugh,” she griped, dramatically rolling her eyes and peeling off her hat and scarf. “Emerson’s is a dump. I swear I get felt up by some creep every time I end up there.”

 

“Cheap drinks, though.”

 

“I know. That’s why I keep going back,” she said with a wink. “Have you called Nora from Van Dorn Lab yet?”

 

“Nope,” he answered, tone clipped.

 

“Were you planning to?”

 

“Also nope.”

 

“Sebastian. Would it be so hard to just call her, go have a disappointing date, and then never talk to her again?”

 

“Well when you put it _that_ way,” he droned.

 

Ellen rolled her eyes again. “Think about it. Please. She’s cute for a lab rat and I am tired of covering for you. I swear she’s, like, tracking my fucking movements. She’s ambushed me almost every day in the cafeteria for the past two weeks asking about you.”

 

“I’ll think about it.”

 

“I know what that means,” she groaned, breezing past him and down the hallway before calling over her shoulder, “but if you need me I’ll be crying at my desk for at least the next twenty minutes.”

 

“Have fun,” he called back.

 

\---

 

The rest of the day went by uneventfully, but Sebastian was still completely wiped by the time he got home. The headache and nausea from his hangover had worn off after a few hours at work, but he was still operating on an incredibly low amount of sleep.

 

He would have the apartment to himself tonight, as Sam and Abby had taken almost two weeks off to go spend time in the valley. It was Caroline’s birthday and then a week later it would be the Festival of Ice, so they decided to just stay all the way through. They had asked him to come, of course, but Sebastian couldn’t take so much time away from work and still have enough money to cover his portion of rent. Sebastian was the only one of the trio who was completely supporting himself through his job alone. With Joja run out of town, Pierre had more than enough money to cover Abigail’s expenses, so her job hunt was coming along lazily. Sam worked at a record shop on the other side of town, but he also got help from the government - a stipend paid to the children and spouses of soldiers who had voluntarily deployed to high risk combat zones for over a year. Robin had offered to help Sebastian too, but he’d turned her down. It was important for him to work for himself and be an adult.

 

He felt a bit guilty about it, but Sebastian was pretty excited to have the apartment to himself. Living with Sam and Abby was great, but they wanted to talk and hang out with him all the time, and he almost never had time to be alone. He couldn’t find a way to explain to them without hurting their feelings that sometimes spending time with people, even those you love, was draining. Killian was the only person he knew who he could spend all day with without burning out. Not that it mattered anymore.

 

As he walked up to his apartment, though, he stopped in his tracks. Because Killian was walking out of the building and heading right towards him.

 

Sebastian was locked in place, unable to process what was happening and why she was here. She had her head down and was looking at her phone, but when she sensed that she was about to run into somebody she looked up. Upon seeing Sebastian she froze too. They stayed like that for what felt like forever, just looking at each other in utter disbelief.

 

“I was just dropping off produce for you guys since I have a spare key. I, uh - I thought you went back to Pelican Town with Sam and Abby,” she said quietly, almost as if she was apologizing. He shook his head. More silence. “Well,” she continued, “hi.”

 

“Hey,” Sebastian replied, his voice sounding far away. “I really missed you.”

 

At that, the shocked expression on her face waned, giving way to a gentle smile. Yoba, he had missed that smile so fucking much.

 

And then, in an instant, they were wrapped up in each other’s arms. Killian let out a sharp breath from the pure force of the embrace, but she didn’t loosen her grip on him, her hands clasping at the back of his coat. Sebastian couldn’t fully work his head around how good it felt to be holding her. He hadn’t realized until that exact moment just how empty his days had been without her around.

 

“I missed you too,” she said, face buried in his shoulder. She brought her head up to look at him. He couldn’t decide if the tears in her eyes were because of him or the wind. “Your nose is red,” she snickered. “I thought you said you didn’t get cold?”

 

That joke was, for whatever reason, the tipping point for Sebastian. Without even being fully aware of what he was doing, he brought his mouth down to hers, kissing her with all the built-up need that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding onto this whole time. Sebastian was filled with equal parts surprise and gratitude to find that not only was Killian not slapping him and running off in anger, she was actually kissing him back. She leaned into him, tipping her head up so that he could reach her mouth better. This was really happening. Out in the open on a street corner with snow all around them, like a scene straight out of the kind of romantic movie that he would normally roll his eyes at.

 

The process of getting into Sebastian’s apartment was a blur, but he didn’t let Killian go once in the process. Not as he held held her against his side while punching in the keycode to his building. Not as he pinned her against the wall of the elevator and kissed her fiercely as they climbed eight floors. Not as he held her hand while unlocking his front door with the other. He was subconsciously worried that reality would somehow get in the way of what was about to happen if he let too much space get between them. And he’d done enough waiting.

 

Once they were inside their coats and shoes came off in seconds. Sebastian took her hand and led her towards his bedroom, neither saying a word. They were both panting and their faces were flushed, but then Killian was against his body again, except this time he could better feel the curves and heat of her body. Sebastian thought for a brief second that maybe they should stop here before they went too far without making sure this wasn’t something they would regret in the morning. But he just didn’t have the will to stop the momentum of what was already happening.

 

Arm gripping tightly around her waist, Sebastian led Killian to the bed. They worked together to take her clothes off as quickly as possible and in moments she was standing before him in only her underwear. Sebastian could feel his breathing stop as he took it in, almost knocked back by how badly he wanted her. He pulled off his sweater and jeans quickly and then brought his mouth back to hers hungrily, a low growl building from his chest. She fell back onto the bed and he crawled on top.

 

Sebastian let his hands run all along Killian’s body, taking in the softness of her skin. His hands were still cold from being outside and she shivered against his touch, but he kept going. Poised over her, Sebastian tried to commit everything that was happening into his memory: how her curls looked strewn across his sheets, how the brown of her skin played off of the white of her bra and panties, how she giggled breathlessly when his fingers ran over her stomach.

 

There were so many ways that he wanted to explore her body, but there was one thing in particular he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about ever since that afternoon in her kitchen. Sebastian looked into her eyes and gave her one last kiss before making his way down her body until he got where he wanted. He felt a surge of arousal as he hovered over her groin and saw that her wetness had already soaked through her underwear. Tracing his finger along the thin cloth, Sebastian felt something akin to disbelief. The same thought he had during their kiss outside played in his mind again. _This is really happening._ He lowered his mouth so that he could kiss her over the fabric, and Killian’s hips bucked up involuntarily. So she was sensitive there. Good.

 

With painstaking care, Sebastian slid her underwear off and knelt by the edge of the bed, pulling her by her hips so that he could better reach her. She let out a small gasp as he spread her legs and ran his tongue up and down her slit, his nose and upper lip being tickled by her trimmed pubic hair.

 

He wouldn’t have thought that it was possible, but tasting her was even better than Sebastian had imagined. She was warm and wet and quivering under the attention of his tongue, and glancing up he could see that she had clamped her hand over her mouth to quiet her moaning. At this point Sebastian couldn’t care less if every single one of his neighbors heard what was going on - he just wanted to provide her with as much pleasure as possible.

 

Finally the teasing came to be too much for him, and he brought one of his hands up to part her lips. He hung back to take in the sight of her for a second, but now wasn’t the time for him to be patient. He flicked at her clit with his tongue a few times before wrapping his lips around it and sucking. Killian tensed up for a moment and then practically melted into the bed, scooting even closer to the edge so that his face was further buried in her.

 

Savoring the feeling of watching Killian come completely undone, Sebastian adopted a looping figure-eight motion, letting his tongue run along her folds and play at her entrance before coming back around to sweep over her clit. The new pace broke any attempts she was making at keeping quiet, and her gasps of _fuck,  yes,_ and _Sebastian_ \- all varying in order and volume - soon filled the room. She wrapped her legs around his head so that her thighs were pressed firmly on the sides of his face, essentially holding him into place. Not that he was planning on moving anytime soon. Not until he was finished.

 

Mouth still coaxing pleasure out of her, Sebastian brought his free hand down to his boxers and pulled out his dick. He was achingly hard at this point - he had been since they were grinding against each other in the elevator - and he just needed some sort of relief. He started to work his hand along his shaft, allowing his tongue to mirror that rhythm as it lapped up and down Killian’s clit and labia.

 

Killian’s thighs tightened around him even more, and she began grinding against his mouth frantically. Finally she brought her hand down to grasp at his hair, and he knew she was close. Working his dick even faster, he brought his lips back around her clit and sucked again. She came with a short and strained cry and continued to grind against him just through momentum alone until she finally went limp, panting heavily. A thin layer of sweat had gathered along her skin.

 

Sebastian pressed one last kiss into her thigh before getting up to hurriedly rummage through his bedside drawer. Killian, still trying to steady her breathing, watched with hooded eyes as he grabbed a condom and put it on. And then he was on top of her and spreading her legs again.

 

He worried absentmindedly that she might not want to kiss him after he’d just gone down on her - some girls were like that. But then she propped herself up on her elbows and thrust her tongue into his mouth again, and they were back to making out with impatient intensity. She pulled him down so that he was lying between her legs, and he began to grind his dick against her, lost in the pure anticipation of it all.

 

There wasn’t much space between their bodies, but Killian brought her hand down and started to work it up and down his shaft, letting the head of his cock just brush against her clit and push tantalizingly against her entrance without going all the way in. It felt amazing to have her playing with him in that way, and Sebastian found himself moaning curses into her open mouth as she continued to stroke him.

 

And then she brought him to her entrance again, but this time she didn’t pull back. There was a shared moment of heady suspense as they looked at each other in the darkness and fully acknowledged what was about to happen. Sebastian bent down to kiss her with all the passion he could muster, and then he pushed himself inside.

 

Sebastian almost lost it right then and there. The feeling of being absolutely surrounded by the tightness and heat of her pussy was unbearably satisfying. He shut his eyes and began to pump into her with increasing speed, only just barely registering the sound of the bed creaking underneath them. The sounds he concerned himself with the most were the high, keening moans escaping Killian’s lips and the sound of their flesh smacking together with each thrust.

 

For someone who had only just orgasmed a few minutes ago, Killian seemed to be hungry for another one. She move her hips in time with his pace and pulled the straps of her bra down so that Sebastian could watch her breasts bounce up and down as she was pounded into the bed. It was an intoxicating sight. He brought a hand up to roll over and tweak one of her nipples, which earned him an emphatically whispered _fuck_ as she arched her back.

 

Sebastian knew that if he held back and slowed down his speed a bit, he could probably make this last a lot longer. He could tease her more, switch up positions, or just go back to eating her out before burying himself in her body again. But her body just felt so fucking good, and there was no way he could stop himself from losing himself in it. If she was disappointed in him finishing sooner than she wanted, then he would just keep making her come - with his mouth or his fingers or his cock - over and over again tonight until she couldn’t handle anymore. But right now he just needed to ride out his pleasure, and Killian seemed more than excited to let that happen.

 

He stuttered out a few broken words to let her know that he was going to come, and in response she brought her legs up to wrap them around his waist, giving him the chance to slam into her even more fully. Clutching at her breast and drowning in the sound of Killian’s lewd whimpers, Sebastian continued to grind into her. And then Killian, face contorted in pleasure, brought one of her fingers up to her mouth to lick it before bringing it down to work at her clit. Her body began to rock in time with his even more eagerly, and then her eyes rolled up into the back of her head and she was coming again.

 

Sebastian followed just seconds later, crying out her name harshly. The convulsions of her orgasm seeming to coax more and more shudders out of him. He was eternally grateful for remembering to wear a condom, because pulling out was the last thing on his mind.

 

He continued to prop himself over her for a few moments, unwilling to give up the feeling of being inside her. Killian finally opened her eyes again and watched him with an inscrutable expression before reaching up to run her fingers through his hair and then coming back up to kiss him, more tender than before.

 

Sebastian couldn’t remember ever being happier in his entire life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me procrastinating writing at https://palisadesucks.tumblr.com/  
> \---  
> Well boys and girls, it's the chapter we've all been waiting for. Welcome to smut heaven!!! Hope you enjoyed, and please let me know if it tickled your fancy. I wish I could say that this is the end of the story and our babes will now live sexily ever after with no further complications but...you guys know me by now. All I have to say is buckle up for the next chapter, because the angst train is pulling into the station. Choo-choo motherfuckers. 
> 
> Additionally, ohsocyanide (author of the AWESOME story "The Hook-Up") and I have teamed up to write a new fic that I'm insanely proud of. It's called 'Literary Pursuits' and it's a Sam/Elliott fic filled with awkward flirting, mutual pining, and the one true hair kink to rule them all. We're two chapters in and I'm so proud of what we've done with it so far. If you like me and my writing you'll like this one too, so pretty please check it out and leave a comment. (:


	13. Chapter 13

Killian sat on the edge of the bed watching Sebastian sleep soundly. It was the middle of the night, and she had nowhere to be, but she was still gripped with the intense feeling that she needed to leave. If she was a better person she would have left already - she would have quietly gotten dressed and slipped out of the apartment as soon as Sebastian fell asleep. She should have left a note saying she was sorry and then she should have gone back home to the life she had fought for and the boyfriend who loved her. Then again, if she was really a better person, she wouldn’t be here at all.

 

This past month had been hard for her - much harder than she had expected it would be. But that was no excuse. This shouldn’t have happened.

 

The scent of pine and bitter hawthorne suddenly filled the air, clouding her senses. Her chest instantly felt tight and her breathing became more labored.

 

_No. Not now, not yet._

 

Killian pressed her fingers against her temple and willed herself back to reality. She briefly considered getting up to find the phylactery, but decided against it. She could do this without Rasmodius. She still had time. After about a minute the pressure in her chest began to ease somewhat, so she crawled under the covers and tried to go back to sleep. Sebastian reached out for her unconsciously and pulled her close. She melted under his touch and hated herself for it.

 

Sleep came uneasily, the scent of the forest lingering in the back of her mind.

 

\---

 

When Killian woke up again she was alone. Sitting up, she leaned against the bed’s headboard and rolled her head from shoulder to shoulder, working out the tension there. From the window to her right, rays of sunshine streamed through the slats in the blinds and cut across her body and the bed. The door to the bedroom was cracked, and she could hear the sound of a cabinet door closing somewhere and the low hum of some machine running. Probably the coffee maker, knowing Sebastian.

 

Killian had been to this apartment before, but she hadn’t been in Sebastian’s room until last night. She liked to drop by and visit with Sam and Abigail whenever she was in town to see her family, but she had always taken care to only be here when she knew Sebastian wouldn’t be. Sam assured her that she was welcome to come by anytime, but Abigail had told her privately that she was right to give Sebastian his space.

 

“He’s going through a tough time with all this,” she had said, pulling at the ends of her violet hair. “He doesn’t like to talk about you. Maybe just give him some time.”

 

Killian would have stayed away even without that particular piece of advice. She had always been terrible at making up with people after fights, and the last time she and Sebastian had spoken would definitely qualify as a fight. What else would you call it? He had propositioned her at the Spirit’s Eve festival, and when she turned him down he got angry and defensive. She told him he should move to Zuzu, and then...he did. He was gone a week later and didn’t even say goodbye.

 

Sebastian moving away hit her like a freight train in a very unique way that no one else could really empathize with. Robin was still feeling somber about it, and she told Killian as much over a tearful glass of wine just a few days ago. Maru was actually pleased, saying that Sebastian texted her often, and now they talked more than they did when he was home. Demetrius was tight lipped about it all, but he gave Killian updates every now and then from things that his friend Dr. Kilmer passed along. Which support team techs Sebastian was getting along well with, what projects he was working on, things like that.

 

Shane was happy to see Sebastian go, and he made no attempt to sugarcoat that. He knew that Killian was hurting and didn’t press her to talk about it, but now he spent most nights at her farm rather than at Marnie’s. Now that the field of competition in town was cut down to zero, he felt more comfortable doing things like that. If Killian knew what was good for her she would have dug her old mermaid’s pendant out of storage and made things official with Shane by now. And yet here she was, naked in Sebastian’s bed.

 

It had been a while since she had done this - wake up in someone else’s bed after a poorly thought out night of sex and bad decisions. This used to be a common occurrence before she moved to the valley. She had been a regular at a couple shitty bars that were a quick cab ride from her apartment, and finding a mindless hookup was always as easy as batting her eyelashes and flashing some thigh. She had enjoyed it. There was nothing like a frantic quickie with a stranger to wash the taste of corporate drudgery and self loathing out of her mouth. For a little while, at least. How many times had she rolled over in bed the morning after to look at some sleeping man or woman whose name she couldn’t remember? Too often. This wasn’t one of those mornings, though. She knew Sebastian. A bit too well.

 

Trying to make as little noise as possible, Killian stood up and looked for something to wear. She was wary of putting all her clothes from last night back on - it felt a bit too walk of shame-esque. She threw her bra and camisole on, but rummaged through Sebastian’s dresser for a pair of boxers to wear in lieu of pants.

 

There was a bathroom connected to Sebastian’s room and Killian briefly ducked inside to splash some water on her face. Looking at herself in the mirror she found that she was unable to hold back a wry smile. Yeah, she had definitely gotten fucked last night. Her hair, which was wild enough on a regular morning, was hopelessly frizzy and all over the place. She had fallen asleep wrapped up in Sebastian’s arms after their second go-around and hadn’t thought to take her makeup off, so now her mascara and eyeliner were smudged and streaking all around her eyes. Her lips were still red from the lip stain she had been wearing. She was what Moira might call a hot mess.

 

Thinking about Moira now, Killian felt even worse. She turned it over in her head while she wet a paper towel and started to rub away at her makeup. What was she going to say to Moira to justify all this? Because obviously she was going to tell her sooner or later. After everything that Killian had put her through she owed her honesty, at least. But she already knew it would be an uncomfortable conversation. Killian knew that admitting she and Sebastian had slept together would lead to words like _irresponsible_ and _stupid_ and _careless._ And Moira would be perfectly justified in saying it. Moira was one of Shane’s closest friends, and she had always disliked Sebastian. She could never understand why Killian was so hung up on him. Killian wished she had a good answer for her.

 

Acknowledging that at this point she was just killing time, Killian dried her face off with a towel and went back into the bedroom. She found her jeans by the foot of the bed and fished a hair tie out of the front pocket, tying her curls up into a high, puffy bun. Ready as she would ever be, Killian took a deep breath and stepped into the hallway.

 

Sebastian was sitting on a couch in the living room at the end of the hallway. There was a TV mounted on the wall to his left and the news was running at a low volume. Directly across from the couch was a huge set of windows that opened up to a small balcony and a view of the street below. Sebastian had pulled back the curtains to let the light in. When he heard Killian walking behind him he swiveled around, eyes bright.

 

“Good morning,” he said, an eager smile spreading across his face.

 

“Morning,” she said, smiling back despite herself.

 

“Hey...want some coffee?” he asked. “I needed some. Woke up about two hours ago and I just couldn't fall back asleep.”

 

“Sure,” she said with a slight shrug. “Nightmare?”

 

Sebastian jumped off of the couch and went to grab her a mug from the kitchen. “Nah, just that train outside. It drives me crazy. It didn’t bother you?”

 

Killian shook her head, standing at the kitchen counter with a bemused look on her face. “I used to live here too, remember? I sleep best if there’s background noise.”

 

He simply nodded and filled her cup, stirring in some creamer before handing it over and returning to his spot on the couch. Killian watched as he settled in and sipped at his own coffee, peering out the large windows in front of him. She rummaged around the fridge to find something to eat, and grabbed one of the apples she had brought with her last night. She brought stuff like this along whenever she came to visit Sam and Abby. Her greenhouse was still productive in the winter, so she had crops to spare, and she knew firsthand just how hard it was to find fresh, non-artery clogging food in the city that didn’t burn a hole through your wallet. If she could help out in this small way she was happy to do it.

 

Coffee in one hand and apple in the other, she crossed the room towards the couch and looked at Sebastian. He looked peaceful, she thought. He was sporting the same distant and content look that he used to wear when he stood by the lake outside of his old house. It was that look that had drawn Killian to him originally. Back when she was just the new neighbor in town with too much on her plate and he was the guy who couldn’t care less. She had often seen him standing out on the edge of the water looking like his mind was miles away. It had been interesting. _He_ had been interesting.

 

Sebastian felt her staring and turned to look at her. His expression grew serious and he motioned for her to come sit near him. When she did, he reached out to grab her hand.

 

“Hey,” he said quietly. “Last night was amazing.”

 

Killian looked at him silently before grinning and squeezing his hand. “Yeah. It was.”

 

His whole body visibly relaxed, and she sensed that he had been expecting a different answer. He leaned forward, closing the space between them, and kissed her. It was sweet and soft, and for a moment things felt okay.

 

\---

 

The two of them spent the next hour or so cuddled up on the couch, Killian tucked underneath Sebastian’s arm while he clicked around on the TV trying to find something to watch. Eventually he settled on a rerun episode of Enmir’s March, an old sci-fi show that they both used to watch growing up. Killian sipped at her coffee and made the occasional joke about the show’s outdated dialogue or hokey plot. Sebastian was more than happy to join in and occasionally craned his head down to kiss her forehead as he laughed.

 

He was happy. Killian wanted to feel happy too, but the distinct feeling of guilt and foreboding was pooled uncomfortably deep in her stomach and she couldn’t relax. Ever since Sebastian had kissed her this morning, the same scent from earlier - hawthorne, pine, moss, and fresh rain - came rushing back. She was hearing things now, light and distant sounding enough that she almost missed them. A twig snapping, wings beating up and over like a bird was flying overhead. It was disconcerting, but she was relieved that at least Sebastian wasn’t being affected by it. This was just between her and Rasmodius. And that damn witch. She really needed her phylactery.

 

Just then, Sebastian’s phone went off. He snatched it from the coffee table and looked at the caller ID before sighing and picking up.

 

“What’s up, Ellen?” he asked, already sounding put off. Killian remembered that name. Demetrius had mentioned that there was an Ellen on Sebastian’s team at the university. So it was a work call, then.

 

Sebastian shot Killian an apologetic look and took his arm off of her shoulders before standing up and going back to the bedroom. His conversation trailed off and Killian couldn’t follow it anymore, but it was something about deadlines and bounce rates. She was supremely grateful for the moment of privacy, and in a few seconds she was off the couch and at the front door. Her coat was on the floor where she had stripped it off last night, and she immediately found what she was looking for in the front pocket.

 

Her phylactery was a small glass vial at the end of a long, looped leather band. The glass was warm to the touch, and just holding it in her hands helped to calm her nerves. The vial was filled with huckleberries and flower petals which had been packed in around helvite and pieces of earth crystal. She clutched it in her hand and let the enchantment within carry her thoughts to the Wizard.

 

 _Coming in soon,_ she said. A low-rolling wave of understanding and warmth ran through her body as he sent his acknowledgment. With the charm in her hands, the call of the forest dissipated, and she could no longer hear or smell anything unusual. She let out a huge sigh of relief.

 

Feeling immeasurably better, Killian placed the phylactery around her neck and went back to the couch. Sebastian emerged from the bedroom about a minute later.

 

“So that was a coworker,” he explained. “There’s some sort of issue going on in the office and I don’t have remote access to our network from here. I’m really sorry, but I need to run down to the university and sort this out. It won’t be more than two hours, I promise.”

 

Killian smiled at him affectionately. “Don’t worry about it! I’ll be here when you get back. I have some errands to run anyway.”

 

\---

 

Killian materialized in the Wizard’s tower as soon as Sebastian was out of the apartment. She had gotten better at this, she thought proudly. Lately she was able to keep herself standing up when she teleported. Her mentor, however, didn’t look as impressed.

 

“You’re late,” he said coolly.

 

“We didn’t set a time,” Killian huffed, still slightly breathless from the teleportation.

 

“You know perfectly well that you should have been back by now.” His tone was firm, but Killian could see in his eyes that he wasn’t angry with her. “The forest has been calling you back, has it not?”

 

“It has,” she admitted. She knew there was no point in lying to him about it. He already knew.

 

“Describe it.”

 

“You could probably explain it better than I could.”

 

“I am not the one who _needs_ to understand it,” he insisted. “I have helped you as best I could, but this is not my magic gripping you and I will not intrude upon your thoughts. Describe it.”

 

He was right. He was always right about these things. Killian frowned and tried to collect her thoughts. “At first it was just smells. I could literally _smell_ the forest - the trees and plants, like if I was standing outside of your tower. But that’s happened before, if I was ever away from the valley for more than a week or so. You know that.”

 

Rasmodius nodded but didn’t comment. He gestured for her to continue.

 

“But it was stronger than usual. And after a while there were...sounds. Snapping twigs and branches and stuff like that, and animals. It really freaked me out. It felt like I was going to get pulled back here at any moment.”

 

“I could have taken some of that burden from you,” Rasmodius said regretfully. “You should have come sooner.”

 

“I couldn’t get away until now. I was with somebody.”

 

“Yes, I know who you were with.”

 

“I thought you weren’t poking around in my head?” Killian teased, her mouth curling into a smirk.

 

“Reading your mind was not necessary,” Rasmodius said with a knowing look. “You guard your emotions with much less care when he is around. Whatever you did last night, it was a poor decision. Seeing him has only made you more susceptible to magic of this sort.”

 

“Got it, stop sleeping with Sebastian. I’ll keep it in mind,” she said, a bit too sharply. Rasmodius didn’t react and Killian rubbed at her forehead, dropping her voice. “I’m sorry, that was rude.”

 

Rasmodius walked over to Killian and placed a hand on her shoulder. “I am truly sorry for all of this, my child. There is no magic that woman touches which she does not sour. I know it is difficult.”

 

“It’s not just her. It’s me,” Killian said, voice shaking with emotion. “This is all my fucking fault. I shouldn’t have done it.”

 

“You are correct,” Rasmodius replied. “But you now have the chance to undo your mistake. We do not all receive such an opportunity. Use it well.”

 

“Okay,” Killian sniffed, collecting herself. She looked up at him, eyes hard and determined. “I only have about two hours until he gets back. Can you help me prepare?”

 

“Of course. Let us begin.”

 

\---

 

When Sebastian came home Killian was standing near the doorway. His face perked up at the sight of her.

 

“Hey there,” he said, closing and locking the door behind him. “Waiting for me?”

 

“Brace yourself,” Killian urged. And then she was rushing forward, slamming her hand into his chest and mentally reaching out to let the Wizard know that it was time. Rasmodius had been waiting for the signal, and before Sebastian even had the chance to cry out the two of them were being granularly disassembled and flung onto the wind. Killian had to fight to maintain her presence of mind - she needed to be ready when they touched down. She wished she could have done this on her own without Rasmodius, but she had never teleported another person with her before and she needed the safety net.

 

They landed on hardwood floor, Sebastian gasping on his back. Killian was bent over him, one hand on the ground and the other still pressed over his heart.

 

“What - what the fuck?” he sputtered out. “Are we, Yoba, what the hell, where-”

 

“We’re back on my farm,” Killian said, cutting him off.

 

“Why the fuck are we here? Why did you do that?” Sebastian’s eyes were darting around wildly and he was panting hard. Killian could feel his heart hammering madly in his chest.

 

“My focus is better out here, and I need to be able to focus right now.”

 

“Focus on _what?”_

 

“On you, Seb. I fucked up. I took something from you that I shouldn’t have and tonight I have to give it back.”

 

Sebastian’s expression was confusion personified and he was clutching at the front of her sweater. “You - what? What did you take?”

 

Killian didn’t say anything in response, but stood up and signalled that he should stay where he was. If his condition was anything like when he had been teleported at the Spirit’s Eve festival he probably couldn’t get up without her help anyway. She crossed her living room briskly and grabbed a box from the top of her bookcase. Walking back to Sebastian, she opened the box and crouched next to him, handing him a photograph from the top of the pile.

 

He cast one more bewildered look at her before looking at the photo. His face went blank and he simply stared at the image in silence. Finally, he put it down and looked back to her.

 

“Is this some kind of joke? What is this?”

 

“It’s not a joke,” Killian said softly, trying to steady her voice. She could feel the tears coming, and she dragged her sleeve across her eyes in an attempt to stave them off. “That’s us, Sebastian. On our wedding day. I took all of those memories from you and I’m so fucking sorry. But I’m going to fix it.”

 

Sebastian opened his mouth to say something, but Killian pressed her fingers to his forehead and muttered the invocation the Wizard had taught her. Sebastian’s eyes immediately closed, and he slipped into unconsciousness.

 

And then she got to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me procrastinating writing at https://palisadesucks.tumblr.com
> 
> also go check out my new fic, Literary Pursuits! It's a Sam/Elliott joint, I have an amazing co-author, and it's great.
> 
> \---
> 
> Plot twist!
> 
> So uh, hey guys. You know what's a really fucked up game mechanic in Stardew Valley? How you can ERASE THE MEMORY of your divorced spouse. I was sort of shocked to see that mechanic was not getting explored that much in fandom and I decided to be terrible and do it myself. Because reasons! As you can see we have a bunch of chapters ahead, and I hope you stick around to see how this all shakes out.


	14. Chapter 14

The Wizard stood over Sebastian’s body while Killian paced back and forth in the kitchen.

 

 _“Well ?”_   she asked, the fear in her voice fully apparent.

 

He righted himself and looked towards his apprentice. “You did well, child.”

 

Killian let out an audible sigh, the tension in her muscles relaxing somewhat. Not all the way, though. She wasn’t sure when she would be able to really relax again after this. “You’re sure?”

 

“I’m sure.”

 

“I just - I can’t mess this up.”

 

“Then in that case,” Rasmodius said patiently, “you need to calm yourself. Your spells will only grow more erratic as your mental state declines. You need a clear mind for this.”

 

“I just knocked out my husband-”

 

“He is not your husband.”

 

Killian stopped in her tracks and pushed her hair out of her face, too frustrated to think straight. “I just knocked out my  _ex_ -husband - who is currently lying unconscious in my house - so that I can use some crazy untested spell to bring his memories back. Not to mention that I’m the one who took those memories in the first place.”

 

“Yes.” Rasmodius took a step towards her, but remained close to Sebastian. “But you will be no help to him now if you break down and lose your composure. He and I both need you to be focused. Now center your breath.” 

 

Killian did as she was told, sitting on the edge of her kitchen table for balance. She closed her eyes and brought her right hand up in a cupping gesture right above her stomach. She envisioned her breath cycling through her body, air and energy flowing in and through her like a constantly turning watermill.  Rasmodius watched her calmly. He had taught her this centering trick weeks ago in anticipation of a night like this. After a few minutes Killian could feel her heart rate coming down, at least relatively. Once she felt that she was ready, she walked back over to her two odd houseguests and sat on the floor next to Sebastian.

 

“What now?”

 

“Examine him and tell me what you observe,” he replied.

 

Killian nodded and turned her full attention to the man knocked out on her kitchen floor. Tentatively, she reached out and held his hand. Sebastian’s skin was warm to the touch, and for a moment it almost looked like he was simply taking a nap. She looked at his face. There were no bruises, thankfully. If the teleportation had dropped him on the ground face first that would have been a problem. Only his hair was out of place, and she brushed it back with her fingers like it was beyond natural to touch him like that. Because, once, it had been. Killian looked up to the Wizard for affirmation before reaching out and taking a more detailed look at Sebastian’s physical condition.

 

She slipped her hand underneath his shirt so that she could measure his heartbeat better. Only she couldn’t find it. She brought her hand up to his neck but couldn't pick up a pulse there either. For one terrible, sickening moment, Killian thought that he had died. That she had fucked things up beyond belief and had lost her best friend forever. Eyes wild, she snapped her head up to gape at Rasmodius. _“His heart’s stopped,”_ she gasped out, her hand feeling desperately across his chest looking for any sign of life.

 

Rasmodius wasn’t fazed. “Then your invocation was a success.”

 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Killian’s voice was dangerously close to a sob, but she tried her best to keep herself from descending into a panic.

 

In a second, Rasmodius was kneeling at her side, hand resting between her shoulders. “Your man is in a physical stasis right now,” he explained. His voice was as calm and academic as a teacher explaining a basic equation to a child. “Once his memories have returned, he will awake. Until then, he will not stir.”

 

The tears flowed freely then. Killian clutched at Sebastian’s hand and cried out of pure relief. She knew that when he woke up he might never want to see her again, but all that mattered was the fact that he  _would_ wake up. And he would wake up whole this time.

 

Rasmodius rubbed his hand in a small circle between Killian’s shoulder blades. All the tension she had been holding in for the past 24 hours suddenly flowed out of her body as if it had been snatched out of her. With that feeling came an intense rush of drowsiness.

 

“I will watch over him tonight if it will put you at ease,” he said. “But you need rest.”

 

Killian nodded, but didn’t move. She sat like that for a while, unwilling to let go. She brought his hand up to her lips and pressed a kiss into his palm. She watched his face, unmoving and serene, and wondered numbly what memory was playing in his head at that very moment. She hoped it was one of the good ones.

 

\---

 

_May 2, Year One_

 

Sebastian took another swig of warm, terrible beer and grimaced as it went down. He didn’t necessarily want to be drinking tonight - and he definitely would have preferred something better than whatever liquid garbage he was currently choking down - but he also didn’t want to be the only person in the room _not_ drinking. It was bad enough that he had to be out in a club, and being the only sober person in the building would just make it worse.

 

He was tired and sore - lugging and breaking down band equipment all day had taken its toll, and his post-show buzz had well and truly worn off. Now he just wanted to be home and in bed. But Sam and Abigail were both in particularly good moods and had somehow been able to convince him to come out and drink with them rather than nap in the bus until they were ready to go home. Except they had almost immediately grown tired of his lousy mood and quickly bounded off to go find better conversation, leaving him seated at the end of the bar to people watch and drink alone. Which suited him just fine, to be honest.

 

There was a decent amount of people out tonight; mostly locals from Celia Beach who Sebastian didn’t know, but there were a few Pelican Towners hanging around too. They had caravanned out to see the trio perform their first concert of the year, and had all elected to come along for the after party. Quite a few of them were mingling amongst themselves or with Sam and Abigail, but everyone was giving Sebastian a wide berth. Not that he was in the mood to talk to anybody anyway. He took another sip and peered out across the bar at the crowd.

 

Emily was in the middle of the dance floor, jumping around with her arms in the air and looking stoned out of her mind. Elliott and Leah were standing in the corner sipping wine and watching the dancers. Sam was chatting with a girl that Sebastian recognized from their show earlier tonight; she had been in the front row and danced along for the whole set. She was cute with a high black ponytail and a short red skirt. Sam always claimed to be uncomfortable about flirting with girls he met at shows, but Sebastian was more than happy to have someone else to take the attention off of him.

 

Abigail was nowhere to be seen. She had been in the middle of some sort of conversation with Maru a few minutes ago before the two scampered off on their own. Probably to talk about what a jerk he was being tonight. Sebastian vaguely wondered if Abigail would be too annoyed with him to want to fool around later - he could never really tell with her. He wasn’t even sure if he actually wanted to fool around either, but it had been almost two weeks since he had snuck her over to spend the night. And after all, what’s the point of having a fuck buddy who you don’t actually fuck?

 

He decided to ask Sam about it later. Sam had a very useful habit of knowing when something was wrong with Sebastian and Abigail’s quasi-relationship even before Sebastian did. Abigail knew by now that Sebastian wasn’t the guy to go to for an open discussion about feelings and concerns - if he wanted to deal with all of that then he would get an actual girlfriend instead of the no strings attached, friends with benefits arrangement that he and Abigail had been coasting in since high school. And so to fill that void, Sam had long since become Abigail’s official shoulder to cry on. Which was a perfect arrangement, as far as Sebastian was concerned.

 

Just then, Sebastian was pulled out of his train of thought by the feeling of being watched. He looked over and saw Killian a couple of stools down from his own, glancing at him. How long had she been sitting there? Sebastian hadn’t seen her walk up, but it was definitely her and she was definitely looking right at him. He raised his glass towards her in lieu of a wave. He hadn’t meant for it to be an invitation to come over, but she clearly took it that way. She hopped out of her seat, bringing her bottle of cider with her, and pulled up the stool directly next to Sebastian’s.

 

“Hey there,” she said, sitting down and turning to look at him. “Loved the show.”

 

“Thanks,” Sebastian murmured.

 

“It’s cool that so many people from town came out, yeah? It’s a good change of pace.” Sebastian just nodded and looked away, trying to find the bartender to get another, less disgusting drink. Killian seemed perfectly content to keep up the conversation on her own. “Have you played in Celia before?”

 

“A couple times.”

 

“I had fun, but if we were going to bus all the way out here we should have made a proper day trip out of it,” she sighed. “Go down to the beach, check out the market or something. I haven’t been here in years.”

 

“There’s a beach in Pelican Town.”

 

“Yoba, you need to live a little,” Killian chuckled. She downed the last of her bottle and slid it away. “So how did you feel about the show?”

 

“I thought it went fine,” Sebastian said with a shrug. “We’ve had worse, but we’ve had better.”

 

“The crowd was into it, though. You guys should play more shows here.”

 

Sebastian frowned. “Celia’s not my favorite. I don’t want to make a habit of coming out here.”

 

“Why’s that?”

 

“There’s not much of a music scene here,” he said curtly. “I’d rather play in Zuzu.”

 

Killian rolled her eyes playfully. “Of course, you and Zuzu again. Why am I surprised?”

 

Sebastian bristled at that, remembering their back and forth about Zuzu City during her welcome party months ago. “I don’t know, why  _are_ you surprised?”

 

He was using the same tone of voice and irritated expression that usually got people to fuck off and leave him alone without issue. Killian, however, didn’t seem fazed by it. She just laughed and waved at Alex, who was bounding over with a satisfied grin on his face. His face was flushed, and from the way he swayed in place when he came to a stop in front of Killian, Sebastian could tell that he was drunk.

 

“There’s my girl,” Alex drawled, swiveling Killian’s stool around so that she was facing him. He didn’t sit, and Killian had to cock her head up to look him in the eye.

 

“Here’s your girl.” She hooked a finger into one of the belt loops on the front of Alex’s jeans and pulled him even closer. “Where have  _you_ been?”

 

“Ran into a guy from my old gridball team. Miss me?”

 

“Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t,” she said, tugging again at his belt loop. Alex nudged her knees open and stood between them, leaning down so that his hands were resting on the top of her thighs, mouth only a few inches away from hers.

 

“That hurts, honey. Why are the prettiest girls always so mean?”

 

“You tell me,” she giggled before tipping her chin up and kissing him.

 

Sebastian pulled his cell phone out in an attempt to look at anything but the obnoxious flirting happening right next to him. He scrolled blindly through the pictures in his camera roll and tried his best to not look over at Killian and Alex. He had forgotten that they were seeing each other now.

 

After a little while they pulled apart and Alex turned to Sebastian, clapping him painfully on the back. “What’s good, man?”

 

Sebastian muttered out a clipped response, trying to keep his distance from Alex while also holding back from saying anything excessively rude.

 

“We were just talking about the show tonight,” Killian cut in, waving over the bartender. Of course the guy Sebastian had been trying to flag for the past ten minutes ran right over as soon as a hot girl looked his way. “You want anything, babe?”

 

“I’m all good for now,” Alex replied, grinning like an idiot at the pet name.

 

“What are you drinking, Sebastian?” Killian asked.

 

Sebastian looked down at his glass and swirled the drink around. “Uh, it’s some sort of special beer. I don’t know.”

 

Alex grabbed Sebastian’s mug and sniffed at it. “Is this a Celia Surprise?”

 

“I guess,” Sebastian said warily. Thinking about it, he did remember the bartender suggesting he order something by that name.

 

Alex slammed the drink down and practically howled with laughter. “Dude, this is crappy beer, tomato juice, and clam broth with, like, limes squeezed in. It’s a prank drink that they only serve to out-of-towners.”

 

Sebastian glowered, feeling his face grow hot as Alex continued to laugh. Looking up, he could see that Killian was trying to hold back a smile too. Sebastian couldn’t help but feel like everyone sitting near them was laughing at him too, even though he knew that they weren’t. Still, suddenly the already crowded bar felt way too cramped and hot for him to hang around another second.

 

“You drink it, then. You don’t live here either,” he snapped, pushing his drink towards Alex and sliding off his stool. Tucking his head down, he made his way up the stairs and out of a side entrance without looking back or talking to anyone.

 

Once he was outside, he was able to cool down a little bit. After all, it wasn’t really Alex’s fault that Sebastian was dumb enough to order an awful drink. But Sebastian hated being laughed at, and he especially hated it when the person laughing at him was someone who probably hadn’t cracked a book open since high school. Not that it was his business, but Sebastian had no idea what Killian was doing with that guy.

 

Sebastian pulled a cigarette out of the pack in his sweatshirt pocket and fumbled with his lighter for a while. He had dropped it in a puddle outside of the amphitheater before the show, and now the flint wasn’t sparking. Perfect.

 

“Need a light?”

 

Sebastian looked up to see that Killian had followed him outside. She was holding a mojito and was stirring at the mint leaves in the drink absently with the straw.

 

“Yeah.”

 

She flashed Sebastian with a pretty smile and walked over to him, handing him her drink to hold. “Sorry if Alex rubbed you the wrong way,” she said as she dug around in her purse looking for a lighter. “He didn’t mean anything by it, I promise.”

 

While she was looking down, Sebastian took the chance to run his eyes over her body for a moment. He’d tried his hardest not to check her out in the bar where someone else might have been watching them, but now they were alone and he couldn’t help it. She had on dark blue jeans and a tight white V-neck shirt that hugged her body nicely and left her cleavage on display. Her curly hair had been swept over to the right side of her face, and there was a small braid running along the top of her forehead to keep everything in place. She’d only gotten better looking since moving to the valley - her skin had more of a glow to it and her body had built up a light musculature that wasn’t there before. It wasn’t a surprise that a jock like Alex would be interested in her, but Sebastian found himself irritated about it all the same.  

 

“Alex is a dick,” he said simply.

 

“He’s not a dick,” Killian scoffed. “He just has a lot of enthusiasm.”

 

“Did you leave him alone at the bar just to follow me out here?”

 

“No! Haley was getting crowded by some drunk bros and I sent Alex over to throw her a lifeline.”

 

She finally retrieved her lighter and gestured for Sebastian to ready his cigarette. He held it up between his lips and nodded. Killian leaned in close as she lit the tip, cupping her hand between their faces to block the wind. Sebastian found himself getting distracted looking at her lips for a moment - they were just so full and red - before sucking in on his end and taking a few short draws to get it lit.

 

“Thanks,” he said after a little bit, blowing a puff of smoke skyward.

 

Killian put her lighter away and winked at him. “Teamwork’s a beautiful thing. Smoking that stuff’ll kill you, though.”

 

“Then why’d you light it?”

 

“Just being neighborly. Plus I only kicked the habit myself a couple months ago, so I get it.” She walked over to stand near him with her back against the brick wall of the building.

 

They stood like that for a while, Sebastian smoking his cigarette and Killian sipping at her drink. Sebastian didn’t really know what to make of it. For one thing, he had no idea why Killian was still out here. It wasn’t normal for people to go out of their way to talk to him, and he couldn’t imagine why she made such an effort to be friendly. Not just tonight, but every time they had spoken since she moved into town. Even more confusing was the fact that, despite all his grumbling, he didn’t actually mind it.

 

He’d been seeing Killian more than usual lately, just by virtue of her also being friends with Sam and Abigail. But all of their hangouts had been in a group setting, never just the two of them. When Killian  _did_ try to approach him on her own, he always came across pretty standoffish. He didn’t really want to deal with the complications that came with having a crush on someone in a town as small as theirs, and he knew that Killian was exactly the kind of person that he could fall for if he let his guard down.

 

“Do you ever hang out with Shane?” she asked after a few minutes.

 

Sebastian turned to her, eyes narrowed. “Shane Donovan? Are you serious?”

 

“I’m totally serious!” she insisted, laughing at his confused expression.

 

“Then no. I’ve never  _hung out_ with Shane.”

 

Killian looked at him pensively. “That’s too bad. You kind of remind me of him, actually.”

 

Sebastian stared, not sure if he was supposed to be offended or not. “I remind you of the most antisocial asshole in town?”

 

Killian laughed and took another sip of her drink before speaking again. “Shane’s sweet once you get to know him. That’s what I mean, actually - you both put on a front, but deep down I bet you’re a total softie just like him.”

 

Sebastian gave Killian a measured look before taking another drag of his cigarette. “Or, you know, maybe not. I could just be a terrible person on all levels.”

 

“I don’t think that’s true of anybody,” she said, suddenly very serious. “And definitely not you.”

 

The sincerity of the remark surprised Sebastian, who was briefly at a loss for words. “Why do you say that?” he asked.

 

Killian took one last drink before answering him. “Because tough guys who don’t care about anything don’t run after frogs in the rain and pat their heads like they’re puppies.”

 

“What..how did you-”

 

“Saw you last week when I was walking home from the mines,” she said smugly, a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. “You’re faster than you look. You chased down that frog like a track star.”

 

Sebastian just blinked, trying to remember exactly what night she was talking about. He chased a lot of frogs. Before he had a chance to say anything, Killian’s phone lit up in her pocket as she got a phone call.

 

“Hold that thought, frog boy,” she said, swiping at the screen and bringing her phone up to her ear. “What’s up, babe?”

 

Sebastian watched as she knocked the ice around in her glass while listening to Alex talk on the other line. “Well that sounds really serious,” she responded after a bit, sarcasm dripping from her voice. “I’ll be right there.”

 

Killian looked up at Sebastian and gave a good natured shrug as she hung up the phone and tucked it back into her pocket. “Haley’s trying to teach Alex how to salsa dance, so I need to go rescue him before he embarrasses himself too much.”

 

“Sure. Don’t let me stop you.” Sebastian realized as he said it that he was actually sort of disappointed to see her go. He wasn’t really sure what to do with that information.

 

“You coming with?”

 

He gestured towards his cigarette, only halfway done. “Nah. I think I’m just gonna hang out here for a while.”

 

“Suit yourself,” Killian said, making her way towards the door. “I’ll see you on Tuesday!”

 

“Huh?”

 

She turned back towards him, hand on the doorknob. “Sam invited me over for Solarion Chronicles.”

 

Of course he had. Sam had been eyeing Killian for a while too, but had been holding back on asking her out until he knew how serious she was about Alex. Sebastian’s mouth curled up into a smirk and he cocked his eyebrow. “Are you going to get us all killed again?”

 

“I don’t know,” Killian shot back, “are you going to stonewall my brilliant attempts at problem solving again?”

 

“You tried to seduce an entire skeleton army.”

 

“And I’d have rocked all of their worlds if you would have let me roll for charisma.”

 

Sebastian laughed as she pulled the door open and zipped away. Once she was gone, he settled against the brick wall and brought his cigarette back up to his lips. He thought about nothing in particular as the smoke danced up and away into the night air.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me procrastinating writing at https://palisadesucks.tumblr.com
> 
> also go check out my new fic, Literary Pursuits! It's a Sam/Elliott joint, I have an amazing co-author, and it's great.
> 
> \---
> 
> Now might be a good time to reveal that one of my favorite movies is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind haha. (Hence this fic's title!) 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0kkjqE2rcI 
> 
> General chapter format moving forward for now will be the same - we will get a piece by piece & out of order series of memories from Killian and Seb's friendship, romance, marriage, and eventually their separation. I have the plan for specific memories that will be plot-crucial, but if there's anything you guys are specifically hoping I address or write a memory about PLEASE leave a comment and let me know! I can't promise I'll write a whole chapter about it, but I love getting feedback and I'm sure one of you will propose something I haven't considered yet. As always, thanks for reading!


	15. Chapter 15

_September 16, Year Two_

 

For the fourth night in a row that week, Sebastian sat at the dining room table and ate dinner alone. Picking absentmindedly at the stir fry in the bowl, he tried to pretend that he was okay with that fact. After all, back when he lived at home - at his _old_ home, he reminded himself - this was the norm. He used to hate family dinners. Having to sit there and pretend to be interested while Maru talked about fellowship offers and project timetables while Demetrius and Robin tried to ask Sebastian about his day, despite knowing full well that he’d just been sitting in the basement getting high.

 

Most nights he didn’t even eat dinner with them at all. He would make up some reason to miss it, like plans with Sam or a fake work deadline, and then sneak into the kitchen hours later to grab leftovers. It wasn’t an ideal situation by any means, but that’s the nature of life when you’re living with your parents. You compromise and lie your way around arguments and uncomfortable situations to keep things as smooth as possible, promising yourself the whole time that when you have your own place it won’t be like that anymore.

 

Except now he wasn’t living with his parents. He was living with his wife. A wife he hadn’t had a conversation with in two days. Sebastian was a solitary person, and he always imagined that stuff like this wouldn’t get to him in a relationship. He practically told Killian so after they were married - he was always encouraging her to get her work done and assuring her that she didn’t need to be constantly checking in throughout the day.

 

But this was different. There was no way to avoid it; she was getting more distant every day. She got up, as always, at the crack of dawn and was out the door within the hour. After that there was no telling when she would be back. He used to wake up with her so that they could spend the morning together, but now he just slept in. Sometimes she returned just a few hours later, transitioning to taking care of things at home rather than things on the farm. But other times - times that were becoming more of the norm - he wouldn’t see her until after dark. She would stumble in, tired and guilty at being away for so long, and just spill into the bed and get ready to do it all again the next morning.

 

In the earlier part of their marriage he would try to make things easier for her on nights like that. He would try to cook, or run to the saloon to pick something up so that she didn't need to. If she wasn’t hungry he would just crawl into bed with her and talk about his day while he held her in his arms. He tended not to do things like that anymore.

 

Sebastian knew full well that he couldn’t really blame Killian for her schedule. She worked a huge property by herself, and making sure a steady flow of money was coming into the house was important, especially now that she had people depending on her. But Sebastian hadn’t gotten married so that he could sit around by himself all day, and he didn’t think that he was some sort of a monster for resenting that. For the briefest moment, Sebastian couldn’t remember why he had thought it was a good idea to get married at all. He quickly pushed that feeling away and returned to his food.

 

A couple minutes later the front door swung open, and Sebastian’s head snapped up. He tried to hide the disappointment on his face as he saw that it was just Moira. She was carrying Cyrus in one arm and shaking out her umbrella with the other. Drops of water were dripping down the ends of her hair. Tara and Amy sprinted into the house behind her, shouting madly and leaving wet boot tracks on the hardwood. They were up the stairs in the blink of an eye.

 

Moira glanced at Sebastian but didn’t say anything. She closed the door behind her and toed her boots off before following the girls up the stairs. As Sebastian was putting his dishes in the sink a few minutes later she came back down to the living room, looking at him with more than a bit of annoyance. She had never liked him. Which was a shame, because Sebastian couldn’t help but think that they would have gotten along well under different circumstances.

 

“Is the rain pretty bad?” he asked, trying to be polite. 

 

“It’s coming down hard, but at least it’s not cold,” she said. “Cyrus slept right through it.”

 

“What did you guys get into today?”

 

“Tara and Amy wanted to use the art room in the community center, so we spent a few hours there. And Evelyn knit Cyrus some baby clothes, so we dropped by to pick them up and stayed for dinner.”

 

“That was nice.”

 

Moira gave a small nod before cocking her head and looking at Sebastian pointedly. “And what did _you_ do today?”

 

Sebastian pressed his lips together and tensed at the question. “Nothing really. Just hung out.”

 

Moira nodded again and went to grab some napkins from the dinner table before bending down to dry the wet spots the girls had left on the floor.

 

“Do you know when Killian’s getting in?” she asked.

 

“No.”

 

“But she’s out in the fields, right? I want to talk to her about something and she’s not answering her phone.”

 

“I don’t know where she is. I assumed she was here.”

 

The look on Moira’s face didn’t need explanation. _Why don’t you know where your own wife is?_ It was a good enough question, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it now.

 

“Well have you seen her at all today?”

 

“Also no.”

 

“You don’t find that boring? Sitting around the house all day waiting for her to come home?” Sebastian just glowered at her. “You know, there’s a lot you could be doing around here to help out if you wanted something to keep you busy. It’s not like Killian has any farmhands running around, and Yoba knows I could use help with Cyrus. Or the girls.”

 

And just like that, Moira became Killian and his mother and Demetrius and everyone else who liked to bait Sebastian into admitting that he was doing nothing but being selfish and wasting his time. He was used to it by now, but hearing it thrown at him in his own home stung.

 

“Did Killian tell you to say that?” he asked, contempt bubbling below the surface of the question.

 

“She didn’t have to. You can tell that she’s exhausted just by looking at her.”

 

“I haven’t _looked_ at her in two days, so maybe if she ever felt like coming home I would know.”

 

“You know that she doesn’t work on the other side of town, right? If you want to see her all you have to do is walk outside.”

 

Sebastian hated Moira in that moment, because he knew that she was right. He thought about Killian all day and took her absences personally, but this was on him just as much as her, if not more. At least she was working. What was his excuse? Hell, the only reason Moira was staying with them at all was because Sebastian was so bad at pulling his own weight around the house that Killian needed some sort of relief. They told everyone that she was just visiting while her husband was away on deployment, but Sebastian wasn’t so naïve. Moira was here because she, unlike Sebastian, knew how to take care of another person.

 

“Anything else you’d like to let me know about my marriage?”

 

“Yeah,” Moira said definitively. “She still loves you. But she is hanging on by a thread right now.”

 

Sebastian stared at Moira in silence, thrown off by hearing that Killian loved him. It should have been an obvious thing to hear. They were married, for fuck’s sake. But he honestly couldn’t remember the last time Killian had told him so. Or the last time he’d said it to her.

 

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He felt heavy all over. He needed air.

 

The sound of Cyrus crying punctuated the silence of the house. Both Sebastian and Moira looked up towards the top of the stairs, but Moira moved first.

 

“I can do it,” he offered.

 

Moira held her hand out. “It’s fine. And listen, I’m sorry for being harsh. I’m just being a protective sister, okay? All I want is for Killian to be happy.”

 

“I want that too,” Sebastian said numbly.

 

Moira flashed Sebastian with an almost pitying look and went up the stairs without another word.

 

\---

 

Sebastian sat out on the porch watching the rain hammer down onto the ground as he held a cigarette between his teeth. He rubbed at his lighter with his thumb, tossing back and forth whether or not he actually wanted to smoke. If Killian came home and saw him with a cigarette she would flip - he had only promised to quit for her, anyway. But at this point, he would honestly love the chance to fight with her. At least it would be a conversation.

 

He scanned out across the farm as best he could, but he couldn’t see much of anything. Still, he was fairly sure that Killian wasn’t out there. Once the sun was down she kept a lantern burning by her side if she was still working. There were no lights on the farm. Unless she was inside one of the barns or coops, she just wasn’t around.

 

He checked his phone. Past eight. If she wasn’t here, where was she? There was a pretty big pool of options. Killian never had a lack of people who were angling to spend time with her, and that meant she could be hard to find at times. Still, she was probably just at the bar. A twinge of annoyance irked Sebastian as he realized that if she was there, Shane was probably with her. Shane, the antisocial asshole who had somehow managed to become her favorite drinking buddy. Killian had a lot of friends, and a lot of people who would jump at the chance to be with her, married or not. She denied that, but Sebastian knew. And Shane was the worst of them all.

 

He had taken to sending Killian letters and stopping by in the middle of the day to "check on the chickens" she had bought off of him and Marnie. Even Moira liked him. She had gotten into the habit of inviting Shane and Jas to come along with her and Killian when they took the kids out to the beach. Sebastian was always invited too, of course. Not that he ever went. He didn’t have the stomach to watch another man flirt with his wife while he sweated miserably under the sun.

 

Sebastian rolled the lighter’s flint lock under his thumb and sighed before bringing his phone up. Screw his pride, he wanted to know where Killian was. At least to get Moira off his back.

 

The line rang twice before clicking dead. Sebastian furrowed his brow, looking at the call drop on his screen. So Killian did have her phone on her, she was just actively avoiding answering it.

 

Fuck that.

 

He called again, and this time she picked up.

 

“What’s up?” She sounded agitated, and Sebastian could just make out mechanical beeps in the background of whatever room she was in.

 

“Where are you? It’s late.”

 

“I’m at the hospital.”

 

Sebastian sat up in his chair, already on edge. “What? Why? Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine, Seb. There was just an incident today and I’m - Harvey, how's it looking?”

 

Sebastian strained his ears but could only hear the muffled sounds of Harvey’s voice coming faintly through the receiver. “Hello? Kil, what the hell is going on?”

 

“Hey, I need to call you back.”

 

The line clicked dead. Sebastian grabbed his shoes off the porch and started to run.

 

\---

 

Sebastian felt his heart rate ratchet up even higher as he saw the outline of the clinic come into view through the curtain of rain coming down around him. He was moving entirely on adrenaline at that point, because one moment he was just stepping onto the cobblestone path leading into town and then the next he was at Harvey’s door, jostling the knob in a futile attempt to get in.

 

The hospital was locked - no surprise there, seeing as it was well past dark - but that was hardly going to keep him out. He banged at the door repeatedly, loud enough that Abigail could probably hear it from Pierre’s.

 

Finally, Harvey opened the door. He was wearing a pair of dark blue scrubs and gloves. He looked exhausted and slightly irked at having been pulled away from whatever he was doing.

 

“Where’s Killian?” Sebastian asked hurriedly, moving to rush inside. Harvey stepped forward to block him.

 

“The clinic is closed, Sebastian,” he said firmly. “Unless you have an emergency I’ll need you to go home.”

 

“Are you joking me? I know she’s here.”

 

“She is, but I would prefer to keep my patient’s privacy intact. This doesn’t really concern you.”

 

 _“She’s my fucking wife,”_ Sebastian snapped, feeling the volume of his voice rising and not backing down from it. “Let me through.”

 

Sebastian wasn’t normally the confrontational type, but thankfully neither was Harvey. He frowned before stepping aside to let Sebastian pass him.

 

“Past the main door and to the right,” he said begrudgingly. Sebastian was down the hallway before Harvey was done with his sentence.

 

Feeling flush with worry, Sebastian burst through the door to the ward. And saw Killian hunched over in a chair by the side of a hospital bed. Shane was lying in it, unconscious and hooked up to an IV. Killian was holding his hand.

 

Killian didn’t look up immediately when Sebastian came in the room. Her eyes were trained on Shane’s face, and she spoke up before looking at the doorway.

 

“Who was that, Harvey?” she asked, finally turning her head. When she saw Sebastian, her expression froze. She quickly let go of Shane’s hand and tucked it by his side. “Seb? What are you doing here? You’re soaked.”

 

“Because I ran here from home.”

 

“Why would you do that?”

 

“You told me you were in the hospital,” he said. His voice was low, bordering on accusatory.

 

“I told you I was fine.”

 

“And then you hung up.”

 

“Because Harvey came back with lab results. I was going to call you back la-”

 

“You didn’t consider that maybe I would want to know what was going on?” His voice was rising again, and Killian’s eyes briefly shot back to Shane to make sure that he wasn’t being disturbed. “That maybe it’s important for me to know where you are at any given time of the day?”

 

“Please don’t make this about us,” she said sharply. “This is about Shane. He needs me more than you do right now.”

 

“He's not even fucking conscious, Kil! He doesn’t _need_ you for anything.”

 

“What would you know about it?” she cried, emotion cobbling her words on the way out. “I have to be here for him when he wakes up. How do you not get that?”

 

Sebastian dug his fingernails into his palm, trying to ground himself and push back the rising anger in his chest. Any relief he had felt at seeing that Killian wasn’t hurt had been quickly replaced by bitter resentment. Resentment at Killian for not telling him what was going on, resentment at Shane for how inexplicably important he was to her, resentment at himself for being such an idiot.

 

Behind him, Harvey cleared his throat. He walked past Sebastian brusquely and went to Shane’s side. Attending to the monitor by the bed, he spoke to Killian without looking at her.

 

“Shane needs rest, Killian. I’m happy for your help, but if you’re going to fight please take it out of the room.”

 

Killian visibly deflated, smoothing the sheets of Shane’s bed with a sigh. “I’m really sorry, Harvey. We’ll go outside.”

 

“Don’t be silly,” he said softly. “It’s pouring out there. You can talk in my apartment. You know where I keep the spare key.”

 

“Okay. I’ll be back soon. Let me know if he wakes up before I get back.”

 

“Of course.”

 

Killian’s hand hovered on Shane’s bed for a moment before she pushed herself up and crossed the room. Sebastian followed her out and watched as she went behind the front desk of the clinic and grabbed a key that was tucked underneath a mousepad. She went up the staircase leading up into Harvey’s apartment and unlocked the door without saying anything. Sebastian trailed behind her and closed the door.

 

In the relative privacy of Harvey’s apartment, Sebastian could feel his anger faltering. His momentum had been interrupted, and now there was just a lingering sense of pain and confusion running in a current underneath the both of them. Moira had been right - Killian did look exhausted. Her face was tear-stained and puffy from crying, and the black runoff from her mascara had collected in dark circlets underneath her eyes. She looked like she hadn’t slept right in days, which would make sense seeing as she hadn’t shambled into bed until past one or two in the morning the past couple nights but was still awake and out of the door at dawn. She looked thinner, more strung out. How was Sebastian only noticing this now?

 

“What’s going on, Seb?” she asked. She walked to Harvey’s kitchen and grabbed a mug from his cabinet before filling his electric kettle with water and turning it on.

 

“I was worried. And Moira couldn’t reach you.”

 

Killian sighed. “I’m sorry,” she said, rummaging through his drawers before pulling out a tea bag. “It’s been crazy.”

 

“Yeah, I can see that. What happened?”

 

“Shane tried to kill himself.”

 

“Oh. Shit.”

 

Sebastian felt like the air had been knocked out of him. Suddenly his marital troubles seemed pathetically small in comparison. He tried to read Killian’s face and body language to see what she wanted from him right now - she tended to appreciate physical closeness during difficult times, but he also didn’t know if she would be comfortable with him doing that right now. He decided against it and went to go sit at the dining table instead.

 

“So,” he hedged, “did you...find him?”

 

“I was walking to Leah’s to drop off an order and I noticed a beer can on the ground by the lake. And then another one farther out and I just got curious so I followed it. And then I found - I saw Shane. He was wasted and he was at the edge of the cliff and he...was trying to build up the courage to roll over. And I talked him out of it but then he passed out and I saw that he’d taken some pills too and I dragged him as far as I could before getting help.”

 

“I could have helped you if you told me.”

 

“You hate Shane.”

 

“Yoba, that doesn’t mean I want him to _die_. Do you really think I’m that shitty?”

 

“No I don’t,” Killian said simply, pouring water into her mug. “I just didn’t want to bother you.”

 

Sebastian watched as she stirred at her tea and came to sit across from him at the table. “So is he going to be fine?”

 

“Harvey says so. He had to get his stomach pumped and he passed right back out, but long term he should be okay.”

 

“Well good. That’s good.” He regarded Killian intently, but he couldn’t read her. “And how are you?”

 

She seemed surprised by the question. “Me? I’m fine. Just coming down from the shock, I guess.”

 

“You look wiped, Kil. Let’s get you home and in a bath. I’ll make dinner.”

 

“Seb, I’m not going home tonight.”

 

“What?” he asked, eyes narrowing.

 

Killian tucked her hair behind her ear nervously. “I just - I need to stay with him tonight. Make sure he’s okay. Harvey has to go to sleep sometime and I don’t want Shane waking up alone in a hospital bed.”

 

“That’s not your job,” he said indignantly.

 

“So? You want me to call Maru up and have her hike down here instead? I’m here and I can help, so I will.”

 

“At least Maru works here. You don’t know anything about medicine. How much help are you actually going to be?”

 

Killian’s expression hardened at that, and she gripped at her mug tightly. “If it was you in that bed, I’d be staying too.”

 

“But it’s not me,” he insisted. “I’m right _here_ and I’m telling you that I need you at home. More than Shane needs you.”

 

“Why?”

 

“What the fuck do you mean, why?” He leaned forward across the table, forcing her to make eye contact. “Because I’m your husband and I can’t remember the last time you and I had an actual normal conversation.”

 

“And that’s my fault? For not being around?”

 

“Well it’s not like it helps.”

 

Killian’s eyes were hard and unflinching, and she spoke in the careful, calculated way that she always did when she was holding back from saying something spiteful. “Have you considered that maybe there’s a reason I don’t want to be around you these days?”

 

“Like what?”

 

“I don’t want to get into this right now.”

 

_“Like what, Kil?”_

 

She huffed and pushed her seat back from the table. “Like maybe it’s too painful for me to be around you when I know perfectly well that you hate me.”

 

Sebastian felt like he’d been slapped. “I don’t hate you,” he said.

 

“Well you could have fooled me.”

 

She was walking back towards the staircase now, and from the wavering in her voice he could tell that she was struggling not to cry. How many times had she cried today? Why did he have to be one of the reasons that she did?

 

Sebastian sprung out of his chair and grabbed Killian by the arm. She spun around, some of the water from her tea spilling onto the floor from the sudden movement.

 

“What-”

 

“I don't hate you and I don't want you to think that I do. I love you. Even after all this bullshit.”

 

The look of shock that painted her face broke his heart. Fresh tears streaked down her face, and he pulled her against his chest. He had almost forgotten how natural it felt to hold her like that, even in the middle of all this chaos. 

 

“I love you too,” she choked out eventually. “But I’m so sad now. All the time. Love isn’t supposed to be like that. Why is this so hard for us?”

 

He didn’t have a good answer for her. He wished that he did. He only knew to keep holding her until the crying stopped.

 

It didn't change anything. In the end, he still walked home alone to go to sleep in an empty bed. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me procrastinating writing at https://palisadesucks.tumblr.com/
> 
> \--
> 
> Hahahaha sorry that this took so long, but three weeks is better than never, amirite?? (am I?)
> 
> This upload was delayed for a few reasons, some of which are personal, but also largely because this was a VERY busy month for me writing-wise. I published the first chapter of a fic about Zevran Aranai, which you should check out if you're into dragon age, and I'm also still writing Literary Pursuits, my Sam/Elliott joint fic. And ON TOP of that, this week ohsocyanide and I started a new joint venture: Rule 62. It's a M/M Shane fic and the first chapter, written by me, just recently dropped. I'm excited about it and I would love your support if you felt like popping over and checking it out. 
> 
> Truly though, I am sorry for the lateness on /this/ upload. I promise to try to be better about it moving forward, and updates about uploads are regularly posted on my tumblr if you're not already following me and want to be up to date. I seriously love ya'll and I hope you forgive me for the pile of angst that is this chapter. <3


	16. Chapter 16

_June 26, Year One_

 

Sebastian came home from a smoke break by the train tracks to find Killian perched on his bed, rolling an unopened bottle of mead between her palms. A lazy smile lit her face when she saw him at the top of the stairs.

 

“Hey,” she said simply. “Maru let me in. Where were you?”

 

“Train station. What’s up?”

 

“Nothing, I just felt like hanging out. Do you want to do something?”

 

Sebastian’s friendship with Killian was growing fast but still relatively new, so he was surprised at how little he cared that she had showed up in his room uninvited. He normally hated being ambushed with plans. As it was, he was just glad to see her. They had built up an oddly easy rapport with each other over the past two months, largely through having to constantly see each other through their mutual friendships. She had clicked with Sam and Abigail as if she’d known them their whole life, and now she was even dating them, which Sebastian was trying his best to not be bitter about.

 

He made his way down the stairs and gestured towards the bottle in her hands. “Are you trying to get into that tonight?”

 

“Absolutely. It’s been that kind of a day.”

 

“Any reason why?”

 

Killian cocked her head and ran a hand through her hair. “Because Alex and I broke up, and I want to drink about it.”

 

Sebastian had to expend all of his willpower to not broadcast exactly how happy he was to hear that. The best he could manage was a very dry, “Shit. Sorry.”

 

Killian didn’t seem to buy his faux sympathy. “It’s whatever,” she said. “But seriously, do you want to do something? If not I can find somewhere else to be.”

 

“No, we can definitely hang out. It’s just - don’t you have anything better to do?”

 

Killian scoffed. “Like what?”

 

“I don’t know,” he said with a shrug, “it’s a Saturday night. Shouldn’t you be doing more exciting stuff?”

 

“In case you haven’t noticed, Seb, there’s not a lot to do around here, Saturday or not. Getting drunk in a friend’s basement seems as good a plan as any.”

 

Sebastian couldn’t really argue with that, and he definitely wasn’t going to kick Killian out. But still, he knew enough about her to know that she was social. Painfully so. It felt like every time he saw Killian she had a new best friend in town hanging all over her, acting like they’d known each other for years. She just had that way about her. Which made it weird that she would willingly choose to spend an evening hanging out alone with Sebastian. If that’s what she wanted to do, though, he was hardly going to be the one to tell her no.

 

“Fair enough,” he said “Mind if we go outside, though? My mom’s the type to listen at the door when I have girls over.”

 

Killian laughed at that, head swiveling over to look at the top of the basement stairs. “You bring a lot of girls over, then?”

 

Sebastian grinned. “No. That’s kind of the point. Come on.”

 

She trailed behind as he walked outside through the side door in his room. It was late enough that the day’s heat from the summer sun had more or less died down, but it was still pretty balmy. Sebastian unzipped his sweatshirt and tossed it into his room before closing the door.

 

Killian wolf-whistled. “Hell yeah, let’s get this party started! Let me grab my wallet so I can make it rain.”

 

“Yoba, you’re annoying,” Sebastian muttered, fighting back a chuckle.

 

The two made their way towards the lake. Sebastian stood at the edge of the water, but Killian kicked her shoes off and started to make her way down the wooden bridge that connected the lakeside to a small island in the middle of the water.

 

Halfway across, Killian turned in Sebastian’s direction. She was holding her arms out and wobbling them as she tried to keep her balance, the bottle of mead clutched in her right hand. “You coming, frog boy?”

 

“Wasn’t planning on it,” he called back. “I don’t feel like falling in.”

 

It was too dark to see the look on Killian’s face from that far away, but Sebastian was almost certain that she rolled her eyes at him.

 

“I promise to rescue you if that happens. Now come on, I refuse to drink alone. It’s depressing.”

 

Sebastian followed her lead, although it took him much longer to make it across in the dark. He wasn’t necessarily scared of falling in, but he knew there was no way of salvaging whatever middling semblance of coolness he had built up with Killian if he slipped and had to paddle his way back to shore looking like a drowned rat. All in all, it was better to take his time.

 

He plopped down next to Killian, sitting cross-legged and facing the water. Her legs were dangling over the edge of the island’s bank with water up to her ankles.

 

“See?” she crooned, bumping against his shoulder with her own. “It’s way nicer out here. Nice and secluded. And it’s great for fishing, by the way. When you come this far out, fish are way more likely to bite.”

 

“I’ve literally never seen you catch a fish.”

 

“Well yeah, because I’m a shit fisherman,” she laughed. “But if I was _good,_ I would imagine that this would be the place to catch them. Fake it ‘til you make it.”

 

Smiling, Sebastian leaned back and looked at the moon reflecting off the lake’s surface a few yards in front of them. It was a sight he was more than used to; other than his house and Sam’s place, the lake was his most frequented spot in town. But even so, being there with Killian - with no one around and a summer breeze blowing over their skin - felt almost romantic. He knocked that thought away and reached for a cigarette before remembering that he’d left his pack on his desk.

 

“Can I ask you something kind of personal?” he asked.

 

Her answer was quick and light. “Of course! I’m a total open book, you know that.”

 

Sebastian turned the question over in his head before continuing. “You and Alex. What happened?”

 

Killian groaned lightly and kicked some water up. “It’s so dumb, honestly. So you know we’d been seeing each other basically since I moved here.”

 

“Right.”  

 

Sebastian distinctly remembered how quickly Alex had swooped in on Killian, and how it had been a real point of gossip for everyone. New couples in town were pretty rare, especially seeing as the younger people in the area all tended to keep their love lives private to avoid the scrutiny.

 

Killian stretched her arms in front of her and kept talking. “Well things were going really nicely. He’s sweet and hot, but not a dick about it. We saw each other a bit less once summer kicked in just because of how much time the farm was taking up, but he was understanding with the whole thing. He always found time to see me when I wanted. Maybe like once or twice a week we’d grab drinks at the saloon or at my place, fool around a bit, all that stuff. It was a good time.”

 

Sebastian ignored the unmistakable twinge of jealousy he felt at having to hear about Killian and Alex ‘fooling around,’ and simply nodded for her to keep going. There was no point in getting jealous over someone who she wasn’t even seeing anymore.

 

“So fast forward to yesterday,” she said. Her voice sounded tired, like she’d already gone over this with herself a hundred times before now. “We had a date at the saloon, but when I get there he’s reserved the back room for a private dinner. Which is fine, but the whole energy was off. Like he was really nervous about something, which wasn’t like him. And _then_ he unloads this whole speech about how much he cares about me, how he’s been harboring feelings for me this whole time, and how he wants to get serious. Like, make things official.”

 

“Oh. So what did you say?”

 

Killian’s face had guilt written all over it. “I told him the truth. I said that I didn’t feel the same way and that we should probably end things there to keep him from getting his feelings hurt.”

 

“Okay. I mean, I guess it’s better that you were honest? Sorry, I don’t really know how to give advice here.”

 

“I’m not looking for a therapy session, Seb,” she chuckled. “And yeah, I feel bad, but I honestly thought we were just hooking up. If I knew he was looking for commitment I would have said something way sooner. I just thought we were on the same page with everything.”

 

Listening to Killian talk about Alex felt oddly like he was hearing himself venting to Sam. It was refreshing to hear someone else with his same hang-ups about being in exclusive relationships that he had.

 

“So what about Sam and Abby then?” he asked, almost wishing he hadn’t. He didn’t want to let on that he was overly interested in her dating life.

 

Killian groaned again and fell back, settling into the grass. “When I find out I’ll tell you. I asked Abby out while we were playing video games weeks ago and now she wants me to have dinner with her and her _parents_. Sam literally just shoved a bouquet in my face last week after Solarian Chronicles, and I’m already getting letters from Jodi inviting me to go do hot yoga and ‘chat.’”

 

“Tragic.”

 

She screwed her mouth up and pulled at some blades of grass, eyes trained on the night sky. “I know I’m being dumb. There are worse things in the world than having people want to date you. But I guess I’m just used to city life, you know? Everything’s less formal. More anonymous.”

 

“Yeah, anonymous is hard to do in a town with a population of less than forty.”

 

“Probably should have thought of that before I moved, huh?”

 

“Probably.”

 

Killian smirked before turning her gaze on Sebastian, looking up at him curiously. “So how do you do it, then?”

 

“Do what?”

 

“Date Abby. You seem like the kind of person who would hate the attention even more than I do.”

 

“I’m not dating Abby,” Sebastian said, a bit hastily. He didn’t mean to sound harsh, but it definitely came out that way. “I mean, it’s different. We were together for a bit in high school, but it wasn’t serious. Now we just see each other on the side when we feel like it.”

 

“So you guys are just sleeping together?”

 

Sebastian was immensely grateful that in the darkness, Killian probably couldn’t see his face flush. “Yeah, basically,” he answered. He knew that he shouldn’t care what Killian thought about his arrangement with Abigail - it was really and truly none of her business. But he felt defensive anyway. “Does that sound shitty?”

 

“Not at all!” she replied, sitting up again. “If anything, I’m jealous.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“For sure. I mean, putting aside the fact that technically Abigail and I _are_ dating and three weeks in all I’ve gotten so far is a kiss on the cheek. I’m just talking more generally. It’s been ages since I’ve had a good friend with benefits.”

 

Sebastian tucked that piece of information away and moved on. “How did you even know about me and Abby? We keep things pretty lowkey. Did she say something to you?”

 

“Only a little bit. I mostly got my information from your mom. From the way she tells it, you guys are star-crossed lovers just waiting to get the timing right,” she teased.

 

“Why were you talking to my mother about my love life?”

 

“I wasn’t!” Killian said with a laugh. “I was selling an old couch. You just happened to come up.”

 

“Next time you can just ask me about it.”

 

“Will do,” she grinned. “Seriously though, do I sound awful talking about all this?”

 

“No way. I get it. People are pretty old-fashioned out here; it’s a bitch.”

 

“Honestly. Romance and chivalry is cute and all, but sometimes you just need to get laid,” Killian sighed. “I know this sounds so pathetic, but I was honestly considering taking a trip out to Zuzu soon just so I can do the old bar circuit again for a weekend. Just to get it out of my system.”

 

“You made a habit out of that, then?”

 

Killian shot him with a withering look, smirk curling on her lips. “I mean, _habit_ makes me seem pretty bad, but sure. I’m fine being on my own most of the time, but I just need that human connection every now and then to keep me from going stir crazy. I’d probably do the whole club scene once a month or so back in Zuzu. Take someone home, have some fun, and peace out in the morning.”

 

Sebastian liked to visit Zuzu when he could, usually playing shows at shitty venues whenever the opportunity arose. He wasn’t huge on bars, obviously, but he’d been to a few in the city when they needed to kill time or celebrate a good set. He wondered what would have happened if he’d met Killian one of those nights instead of meeting her here. Would they have clicked? Would she have taken him home with her? Maybe, but probably not - Sebastian wasn’t really the type to hit up strangers for sex, even if they were attractive and funny and inexplicably interested in talking to him. But a not entirely small part of him liked to think about that ‘maybe.’

 

He wanted to ask her something, but almost stopped himself in order to not seem too nosey. Although, she had said _open book…_

 

“So,” he ventured, “does that mean that you haven’t - you know. At all, since moving here?”

 

Killian kicked her feet aimlessly below the water. “Nope.”

 

“What about Alex?”

 

“We got close a couple times, but no. I guess he was waiting to make things official first.”

 

That was definitely a surprise. Based on how Alex and Killian used to hang all over each other in public, Sebastian had assumed that they were sleeping together from the start.

 

“It’s actually been a while for me, too,” he admitted.

 

“Oh yeah? What happened to Abby?”

 

“Nothing happened. We just haven’t in a bit.”

 

“Then I’m very sorry to hear that,” Killian said, not sounding all that sorry. “But at least now you know we’re both not getting any, if that makes you feel better.”

 

As far as seduction went, Sebastian was hardly an expert. He had fallen into his arrangement with Abigail because it was convenient and they had both agreed that they would rather sleep with a friend than a stranger. And there was Benji, but Sebastian was never really in the driver’s seat when Benji was concerned. All of this was to say that Sebastian didn’t really know what to do with this conversation. But he also knew that he liked Killian a lot more than he had been willing to admit to anyone out loud, and if he was going to ever get a chance with her, now was probably the time.

 

Steeling himself and hoping for the best, Sebastian looked out at the water and said, “If you really want to fool around with someone, you don’t have to go to the city. I’m, uh, right here. Just saying.”

 

The beats of silence that followed his proposition were literally painful. Killian was staring at him, most likely trying to figure out the best way to let him down easy.

 

“Sebastian,” she said finally, her words measured. “Are you being serious right now?”

 

No backing out of it now, then. “Yeah.”

 

Killian laughed softly under her breath. “Well...damn. Are you offering out of the kindness of your heart, or is this something you actually want to do? I’m not interested in a pity fuck.”

 

Sebastian sat up straight, looking Killian dead in the eye. “It’s definitely not that. I’ve wanted to this whole time, I just didn’t think you were interested.”

 

Killian nodded and thought for a moment before speaking up. “I’m interested.”

 

“Okay,” Sebastian said, almost unable to believe what he was hearing.

 

“But just to be clear, in case this whole past conversation has gone totally over your head, this would just be a fun thing for both of us. No strings, yeah?”

 

“No strings,” he agreed.

 

“Cool,” she beamed.

 

Sebastian felt light all of a sudden, not quite believing that his gamble had paid off. ”So then - fuck, I don’t really know what I’m doing here. Do you...wanna head back?”

 

“Oh, right to business, huh?”

 

“Sorry, did you want to wait?”

 

“No, tonight’s as good a night as any, right?” she said breezily. She pulled her feet from the water and tucked them underneath herself, swiveling so that she was face to face with Sebastian. “But still, I feel like you should at least kiss me first. To see if you like it.”

 

“That sounds good,” he said, not quite recognizing his own voice in how small it sounded. He leaned forward, heart pounding uncomfortably in his chest, and brought his hand up to rub at the bare skin of her knee as he edged closer. When was the last time that he actually felt this nervous to kiss someone? He honestly couldn’t remember.

 

Killian watched him, looking more than a bit amused by his sudden apprehension. Smile still on her lips, she moved to meet him halfway. The kiss was soft and chaste, but it set Sebastian’s head spinning all the same. Her lips were warm and full, and Sebastian felt with absolute surety that he was already obsessed with kissing them. He cupped the side of her neck, rubbing his thumb along the curve of her jaw as he held her in place. She made a small, contented hum at the touch.

 

Killian pulled away first, but Sebastian’s hand stayed on her knee. Scanning his face, she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, looking uncharacteristically bashful all of a sudden.

 

“Well?” she asked quietly. “Regret the offer yet? I don’t want to stick my tongue down your throat if you’re already not into it.”

 

“I’m into it,” he said quickly. “Kind of pissed that you pulled away, actually.”

 

That got a giggle out of her, and her body seemed to relax in kind. “My bad, then. Let me fix it.”

 

She leaned all the way forward, letting her hand rest on Sebastian’s leg for balance. She caught his lips in hers, teasing his open with her tongue. There was more feeling behind it this time, or at least it felt that way to Sebastian. It was less of one kiss and more like a series of small wet ones, with Killian breaking it every now and then to catch a breath or bait Sebastian into chasing her mouth, which he was happy to do. He felt lightheaded and entirely too dizzy at the taste of her tongue. Killian began to inch her hand up his leg as their kiss got more fevered, and Sebastian had to resist the urge to start undressing her right then and there. He hadn’t realized - until his mouth was on hers and the promise of more was hanging tantalizingly in front of him - how badly he had wanted her ever since that first conversation in the saloon all those months ago.

 

The next time Killian pulled away, they were both breathing a bit heavier.

 

“Do you have condoms?” she asked, eyes still closed.

 

“Yeah, in my room.”

 

“Great. Bring them and come by my farm in like half an hour?”

 

“We can just go back to my room now if you want,” Sebastian said, knowing that hooking up a floor below his sleeping family wasn’t the sexiest proposition in the world, but also stupidly wanting to keep the momentum of their kiss going. He worried that if he let her go home alone she would change her mind by the time he showed up.  

 

Killian’s eyebrows quirked up, and she gave him a look that illustrated exactly how she felt about that suggestion. “No offense, Seb, but that’s gonna be a hard no.”

 

“No, I get it,” he said with a sigh.

 

Killian smiled and gave him a quick kiss. “Trust me,” she said sweetly, “you’ll appreciate doing it somewhere that I can be loud.”

 

As they stood up to start heading back, Sebastian realized that they’d never even opened the mead.

 

\---

 

Sebastian arrived at Killian’s farm practically humming with nervous energy. This wasn’t like him. He didn’t get caught up over sex like this, and he definitely didn’t proposition people who lived in the same fishbowl town as he did. There was just something about Killian that got under his skin in a way no one else really had before. He didn’t exactly understand it, but he supposed that he didn’t need to. They both wanted the same thing from each other - a bit of fun without any messy attachments - and that was all he really needed to know. Killian was a better friend than Sebastian was used to having, and if they got to sleep together on top of that? Even better.

 

He hesitated at the front door, trying to collect himself and rein in his anxiety. He’d been to Killian’s house more than a few times in these past few months, but never in this context, and his penchant for overthinking was spiralling out of control. What was the proper protocol on showing up for a late night hookup? Knocking was probably a safe bet, although it seemed a little formal. It’s not like she wasn’t expecting him. But barging in seemed a bit presumptuous too - it’s not like he lived here.

 

Thankfully Killian made the decision for him, opening the door from inside and cocking her hand on her hip as she looked at him.

 

“Were you planning on coming in? Or did you want to pace around my porch for a bit longer? I’m cool either way.”

 

“I wasn’t pacing.”

 

“Sorry, how about ‘lurking?’”

 

“Better.” Sebastian smiled as he walked inside, kicking his shoes off at the door.

 

Killian’s house was messy but cozy. Judging by the stack of bowls, movies, and video games on her living room table, she still hadn’t gotten around to cleaning up from the movie night she’d hosted a few night before. It had been a fun boozy evening with him, Abigail, Sam, Maru, Alex, and Haley. Sebastian had left early once he realized he was watching Alex get handsy with Killian from across the room more than he was actually watching the movie, but it had been a good time all the same. Still, what a difference a few days made.

 

Eat your heart out, Alex Mullner.

 

Killian had changed into a loose-fitting pink nightgown, and all Sebastian could think about was how he wanted to feel the silk of it against his skin. She saw him looking and rolled her eyes.

 

“Bedroom?” she asked, pushing herself up on her tiptoes to kiss him quickly. It already felt so natural for her to do that.

 

“Lead the way.”

 

Killian took his hand and led him to her room, flipping the living room lights off on her way.

 

Sebastian closed the bedroom door behind them, heart skipping as he looked at Killian in the low light. Candles were burning on her nightstand, the room smelled like summer flowers, her bed was only a few feet away, and they were really both about to do this. He suddenly felt very overdressed.

 

“Are the candles cheesy?” she asked.

 

“No, it’s cute.”

 

“Cute is good, I guess. Do you want anything? I have drinks. Or food, if you don’t want to get right to it. I can put on something to watch.”

 

Sebastian shook his head, nerves calming a little bit once he realized that Killian seemed just as unsure of where to go from here as he was. “If you changed your mind we don't have to do this, you know. No pressure. We can just hang out tonight.”

 

“No, I definitely want to do this,” she insisted. “I’m just rusty at this whole seduction thing.”

 

“That’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

 

Killian looked genuinely relieved at that, although Sebastian wasn’t sure why someone like her would ever be worried about trying to impress him. But if she wanted him to kick things off, he wasn’t going to leave her hanging.

 

Sebastian took a small step forward and cupped Killian’s face with his hands, tilting her head up. She leaned against his body reflexively and kissed him without another word. This felt different from their kisses by the lake - there was more of an implication with this. Not wanting to lose his head too quickly, Sebastian tried to ignore the feeling of her breasts pressing flush against his own. It didn’t work.

 

He pulled his mouth back, shuddering slightly as Killian started to kiss underneath his chin and along his jaw. “Lay down,” he said quietly, motioning towards the bed.

 

“Yes, sir,” she murmured, leading him by the shirt as she walked slowly backwards.

 

When the back of her legs hit the mattress she fell back with a laugh. She laid back with her head on a pillow and watched as Sebastian quickly pulled off his shirt before joining her in bed. He settled into the space next to her body, propping up on his elbow and taking her in.

 

He brought his hand out to tentatively run along the smooth surface of her nightgown, and her eyes fluttered shut in response. Sebastian was grateful to feel that both of them were beginning to loosen up, lust clouding their nerves. Killian’s skin was hot, and she twitched ever so slightly when he ran his fingers over the peak of her breast or down her stomach towards her sex.

 

Sebastian ducked down and kissed her again, smiling at the soft surprised sound she made when he did. His tongue dragged along the seam of her lips, and his breath caught when she opened her mouth to him and swirled her tongue around his own. The feeling of her hand running along the bare skin of his back sent shivers up his spine.

 

Heart pounding, Sebastian shrugged off the straps of Killian’s dress. He ducked his mouth down to kiss at her neck while she helped to unclasp her bra. Once it was off he tossed it onto the floor, pulling down her dress a bit rougher than he meant to. Killian didn’t seem to mind. If anything, Sebastian’s impatience only served to boost her confidence.

 

“Someone’s in a hurry,” she joked, shimmying her dress down and off her body.

 

At another time, Sebastian might have shot back with something sarcastic. But right now, with Killian naked and pressed against his body, was not the time. They locked eyes as she threw the dress over the side of the bed and stretched out beside him, practically daring him _not_ to look at her. Not like there was any danger of that. Killian was lying in bed, naked except for a small pair of black panties, and Sebastian temporarily forgot how to breathe.

 

Acting on instinct now, Sebastian rolled on top of Killian as she pulled him back into a kiss. Her hands skirted down along his sides, and she pressed her palm into the small of his back to push him against her more fully. She arched her back and whimpered into Sebastian’s mouth as the rough denim of his jeans ground against her. She could feel his erection pressing onto her abdomen as he deepened their kiss and began to rock into her, and that friction alone gave Sebastian some much needed relief.

 

Mouth still on hers, Sebastian finally went to cup her breast. Killian’s breathing picked up almost immediately. Swirling the rough pad of his thumb over her nipple, Sebastian started to grind against Killian with more insistence. It had an intoxicating effect on her, and she spread her legs underneath him so that he could position himself between them better.

 

Killian broke the kiss off, tearing her mouth away so that she could breathe and move to Sebastian’s ear. She sucked on his earlobe before whispering, “You know, you’re a much better kisser than I thought you’d be.”

 

“That doesn’t really feel like a compliment,” Sebastian said, moving to lick at the hollow of her neck.

 

“Sorry,” she said with a weak laugh. “It was supposed to be. Brain’s a bit scrambled at the moment.”

 

“Then don’t worry about talking right now.”

 

“Okay. I can do that.” She closed her eyes again and sighed contentedly as Sebastian continued to play with her breasts with his free hand.

 

Her back arched off the bed every time Sebastian pinched a bit roughly at her nipple, and he tucked that piece of information away for the next time they fooled around. If there was a next time, of course. If he fucked this up she might never invite him back. But honestly, it didn’t seem like that was going to be the case. Either she was very good at faking it or she was enjoying this just as much as Sebastian was. Although, really, there was only one way to be sure.

 

Sebastian took his hand away from her chest - which earned him a small protest and a bite at his shoulder - and started to move it down her body. Positioning himself a bit lower, Sebastian slipped his hand into Killian’s panties and flicked at her nipple with his tongue at the same moment. Killian’s shocked moan was satisfying beyond belief. And just as he’d hoped, it seemed that she hadn’t been faking after all. She was deliciously wet, and her hips bucked involuntarily as his fingers teased at her entrance.

 

“Seb,” she gasped out, blindly clutching at the bedsheets. “Condom. Now.”

 

“Who’s in a hurry now?” he teased, casting his eyes up as he kept kissing at her breast.

 

The hungry look on her face conveyed just how serious she was. “Sebastian,” she huffed, using his full name for what felt like the first time in forever, “if you keep doing that I’m going to cum in the next minute, and I want to keep at least a bit of my pride. So do you want to fuck me or not?”

 

Sebastian didn’t need to be told again. He pulled his mouth away from her breast, giving her nipple one last tug with his teeth for good measure. She let out another shocked gasp and handed him the condom without another word. He hopped off the bed so that he could undo his belt and pull down his pants and boxers, kicking them away from the bed. Climbing back on the bed, he ripped the wrapper off the condom and worked the rubber down his shaft quickly. Killian sat up and motioned for Sebastian to lie on his back.

 

“I want to be on top,” she murmured, eyes intense. She tossed her hair back and bit her bottom lip as she moved to straddle him.

 

Sebastian didn’t say anything; for the life of him he couldn’t find his voice at all. Instead he stretched out, gripping at Killian’s thigh and relishing the feeling of how her heat seemed to warm him to the bone.

 

Killian perched on Sebastian’s lap and looked down at him, lips slightly parted, as she wrapped her hand along his erection and brought it up to tease against her entrance. Sebastian wanted to take control - grab her, pull her down onto him, and rut into her with all the desperation he was feeling. More than anything he wanted to take the damn condom off so he could _really_ feel her. But he didn’t. Like pretty much everything else with Killian, he just sat back and let her take the lead.

 

She let out a shaky breath and then lowered herself onto his cock, moving down slowly inch by inch until she’d taken him all. Once she had she just sat there, eyes closed, getting used to the feeling of being filled like that.

 

“You good?” he asked breathlessly.

 

Killian answered him with a playful smile and a slow roll of her hips that left Sebastian’s eyes rolling back in his head. His hands went up to grasp at her waist as he helped to guide her movements. Not that she needed it.

 

Hair falling in her face, Killian picked up her speed. The bed began to creak underneath them, and Sebastian suddenly appreciated Killian’s insistence on going somewhere they didn’t have to worry about people hearing them. She hadn’t been making too much noise before, but she became someone else entirely once they were actually fucking. Sebastian didn’t think of himself as someone with a lot of specific kinks, but the sound of Killian moaning his name while he was inside her was definitely a new one.

 

Killian’s eyes shut as she continued to ride him, increasingly loud moans filling the room and going straight to his head. He was unintentionally picking up volume too, like he was in competition with her to prove which one of them was enjoying this more.

 

Sebastian grabbed at Killian’s ass and jerked his hips up to drive himself into her harder than before, and she fell forward with a choked cry. She held herself up by bracing her hands on Sebastian’s chest, and from there she fell into a rhythm that really seemed to suit her. Sebastian found himself fighting to remember to breathe as he got lost in the sensations of being fucked into the mattress. The sound of skin hitting skin, the feeling of being so fully wrapped in Killian’s heat, the sweat starting to form on his brow, the pleasant pain of Killian’s nails digging into him so hard they were going to leave marks.

 

Sebastian’s grip on her ass got tighter as he helped to lift her up and bring her slamming down the length of his cock. Her moans got higher and more desperate every time he lifted his hips off the bed to meet her halfway and pound into her harder than before. He normally wasn’t this rough during a first time, but he was keeping in line with what Killian seemed to be craving. How long had she been waiting to get fucked like this? Everyone in town thought she was so sweet and pure, and here she was, inviting someone over to her farm for some cheap thrills and a hard fuck. The fact that Sebastian was the only person who got to see her this way was unbelievably hot. She’d better be planning on inviting him back.

 

Sebastian’s brows knit together in pleasure and frustration as Killian started to slow down. She was panting, and in an effort to collect herself she started making all her movements more deliberate. She looked down at Sebastian with an intense gaze as she rose and fell on his cock, rolling her hips as she did and making sure he was relishing every sensation. She still made a soft whimpering sound every time she took him all the way, which was bordering on too much stimulus for him. If she kept those noises up he was going to cum quicker than he wanted. Although in all honesty, it’s not like he was planning on leaving as soon as he came. Spending the night seemed a bit too domestic for a first time no strings hookup, but he could at least stick around for round two. The thought of more of this - tonight and then in the days to follow, just a secret arrangement between the two of them that let them use each other whenever they wanted - set Sebastian’s mind in a tailspin again.

 

Killian’s chest was rising and falling with her breathing, and with her poised over him like she was, every concerted movement sent her breasts bouncing tantalizingly close to Sebastian’s face. He moved a hand from her ass, slapping it sharply and eliciting a gasp and a harder thrust from her. He then went to hold one of the breasts bobbing so close to his mouth that it was obscene. He tweaked at her nipple again between his thumb and forefinger, but Killian seemed almost too blissed out to notice that he was doing it. Well then. He would just have to _make_ her notice.

 

Sebastian adjusted the pillow beneath his head so that he was a bit more raised and squeezed roughly at Killian’s breast one last time before ducking his mouth up to press wet kisses onto the tender skin. She noticed it that time.

 

As his tongue lapped at the the erect peak of her nipple, Sebastian’s name fell from Killian’s lips with more desperation. The digging of her nails into his chest broke the line of painful pleasure and started wavering around just pure pain, but he couldn’t care less. He could give it right back if that’s what she wanted. He took her nipple between his teeth and nibbled in a way that, in his experience, either got him shoved quickly off or earned him an orgasm. Killian seemed to be in the second camp.

 

“Fuck me,” she choked, eyes clamping shut again. “Yoba, you feel so fucking good. Don’t stop, babe.”

 

Sebastian was prepared for sex. He was prepared for some sneaking around. He was prepared for pretty much anything that a hurried hook up had to offer. What he _wasn’t_ prepared for was the sound of Killian calling him ‘babe.’ Sebastian normally wasn’t big on pet names. But Yoba, he could get used to that.

 

Sebastian kept toying with her nipple as she picked up her pace on top of him. Sebastian could feel his orgasm build with each new thrust and every cry that Killian made. He was so used to quietly hooking up in his basement that he had forgotten what it felt like to be able to be with someone so vocal.

 

As Sebastian’s tongue snaked out to roll over her nipple again, Killian fell forward even further, her hands now bracing the mattress on either side of the Sebastian’s head. He lost access to her breast in the process, but she happily offered him her mouth to make up for it. She wasn’t holding anything back this time. Sebastian started pounding up into her again in more fevered clips, trying to coax her into moaning against his mouth. She suckled at his tongue and made a high, keening sound that definitely made it seem like she was close.

 

Not daring to break their kiss, Sebastian brought his hand up to clasp at the back of her head, winding her curls around his fist and tugging.

 

She broke her mouth away from his with a whine. “Seb, if you keep doing that I’m going to cum.”

 

Sebastian responded by tugging harder and burying his mouth into her neck, teeth running along her pulse point and licking up to her ear. He was determined that he wasn’t going to let himself finish until she did.

 

Luckily, he didn’t have to wait long. The hair pulling, the tongue at her throat, the cock filling her up - Killian was riding on the edge of her climax and wasn’t in any condition to stretch things out. Another minute and then she was spilling into his waiting arms, twitching and groaning as she came. Sebastian didn’t last much longer, absolutely drunk on the feeling of fucking her through her orgasm. He gripped at her tightly and finished while still pumping into her, electing to stay inside for a bit longer while he tried to force himself down from the high. Killian didn’t rush - she seemed perfectly happy to stay crouched over him, face buried in his shoulder.

 

Finally she rolled off him, breathing deeply as Sebastian peeled the condom off and tossed it in the trash can. He looked down at her - covered in sweat, hair wild, and still inexplicably gorgeous - and wished more than anything that she wasn’t about to kick him out.

 

She opened her eyes to look up at him, same sweet smile warming her expression. “That was fun,” she said.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Killian pushed herself up and grabbed a hair tie from her nightstand, tying her hair up and out of her face. “Well I’m a sweaty mess, so I’m gonna take a shower.”

 

Sebastian nodded and braced himself for the brush-off that was coming. He was going to walk home alone and think about this for days, waiting to see if she was going to regret this.

 

“But,” Killian went on with a wink, “you’re more than welcome to join me. Do you think anyone would notice if you spent the night here? I’m not done with you yet.”

 

“No, I could stay,” he said. “Definitely.”

 

For as long as she wanted him around, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can be found procrastinating at https://palisadesucks.tumblr.com/
> 
> \---
> 
> I have no excuse, I just wanted these two to bang. -blows kisses at every reader who puts up with my bs-


	17. Chapter 17

_December 12, Year One_

 

Sitting underneath the harsh, off-colored fluorescent lights of the Zuzu Women’s Health Center, Sebastian found that he was unable to calm himself down no matter how hard he tried. He was sitting in a chair in the corner of the hospital room steadily bouncing his leg while he flicked the top of his lighter open and shut. Between the faraway chatter of nurses in the hallway and the noise of medical machines beeping from the next room, the sharp metal sound of his lighter cap snapping closed over and over was the only thing keeping him grounded. It was probably annoying Killian, but he wasn’t really thinking about it. He was only flicking the lighter because he was too amped up to even scroll at his phone or watch the television mounted on the wall, and he was only sitting in the first place because Killian had snapped at him for pacing around the room too much. It made her nervous, she said.

He needed a smoke. At least one. The carton of cigarettes in his pocket pressed against his thigh like a taunt. But Sebastian couldn’t smoke in the clinic, and he definitely couldn’t go outside to light up. Not when the doctor would be back any minute with Killian’s results. She needed him in here — or at least he assumed that she did.

She was sitting on the bed with her back against the wall, and it was the first time Sebastian could ever remember her looking at her and thinking that she seemed small. Fragile. Her legs had been pulled up so that her knees were hitting her chest, and she was staring blankly at her feet. The medical paper bed sheet she was sitting on made a conspicuous crinkling noise whenever she moved. She hadn’t spoken since the nurse had drawn her blood and ran off with it to the lab for testing. She’d been quiet for most of the day, really.

They had left for Zuzu early in the morning, not letting anyone in on fact that they were leaving town together. His family thought that he was going to Zuzu to meet up with a client and close out a job, and the good thing about Killian living alone was that she didn’t need to lie at all. She could just leave without justifying it to anyone. To avoid spending almost half of the day in a car, the two of them had split the cost of a hotel room to spend the night in before coming back to Pelican Town the next day. At another time, the idea of spending a day and night in Zuzu with Killian would have been exciting and fun. But as it was, he was just trying to get hour to hour without freaking out.

It had been a long drive, made even longer because it was spent mostly in silence. Five hours was a hell of a drive on a good day, and the doctor’s appointment hanging over their heads only worsened the whole thing. For most of the time, Sebastian drove Killian’s car while she curled up in the passenger seat and tried to sleep. From there they drove straight to the clinic, and the tension was still palpable.

Sebastian needed to say something. Anything. He’d been trying to give Killian her space today, but this was getting unbearable, and he was almost positive that she needed a distraction just as badly as he did. He caught her eye and looked around the room pointedly.

“So,” he said, “this is a nice place. Come here often?”

It was a dumb joke, but they were overdue for one. After a week of tense conversation and sleepless nights worrying about this trip and this test, it felt good to just say something stupid.

Killian seemed to appreciate it, at least. A wry grin finally cracked that blank expression she’d been sporting all day. “Oh yeah. You don’t know this about me, but this was basically my second home before I moved. Patty at reception? We go way back.”

Sebastian let out a low whistle. “Old friends?”

“Lovers, actually. We met on the subway. Things got pretty weird near the end, but I think there’s still some chemistry there.”

Sebastian smiled and stood up from his chair, pocketing his lighter before hopping up to sit next to Killian on the bed. She leaned against him immediately and rested her head on his shoulder. They stayed like that for a while, just watching the white blur of nurses’ shoes as they sped past the curtained room.

“How long does it take to test some blood?” Sebastian said under his breath after a few minutes.

“Long enough,” Killian shrugged. “It’s not like we don’t know what the results are.”

“We don’t know what the results are.”

“I think three positive pee stick tests are pretty conclusive.”

“I looked it up; false positives happen all the time.”

“Three times in a row?”

Sebastian said nothing, but began to rub his hand in a circle along the small of Killian’s back. “It’s nothing. This is just a dumb misunderstanding, and when this is done I’m taking you out.”

“Yeah?” she asked with a dry laugh. “Where to?”

“First we’re going back to the hotel to take a nap.”

“Oh hell yes. And then what?”

“Dinner. Something better than the same shit Gus always serves at the saloon.”

“I like Gus’ food, though.”

“Then you can eat it all you want when we get back. But tonight we’re getting something fancy. Maybe sushi.”

“I could go for sushi,” she agreed. “Dessert?”

“For sure. And after that we’re going to a bar and getting wasted.”

“You don’t even like getting drunk.”

“After this week, I feel like I earned it.”

“That’s fair,” she chuckled. “Are you going to dance with me?”

“Absolutely not, but I’ll watch you from the bar while you embarrass yourself with your terrible dancing.”

“My dancing’s only terrible when I’m sober! How about—”

The smile on Killian’s face froze when the curtain to their room swung open abruptly. It was Dr. Riley, holding a clipboard and smiling at the two of them in a way that wasn’t as reassuring as she probably assumed it was. Or maybe that was just Sebastian unfairly projecting. She seemed like a nice enough woman — she was short and stocky, with bright blonde hair clipped back away from her face and laugh lines at the corner of her mouth. Sebastian and Killian had picked this clinic specifically because of all the good reviews that Dr. Riley had online, and she’d been nothing but accommodating since they’d arrived. So yeah, he was probably just projecting.

Killian straightened up immediately, taking her feet off the bed and folding her hands in her lap. Her eyes were locked on the doctor now, all levity from their last few moments totally forgotten.

“Ms. Benitez, how are you feeling?” Dr. Riley asked, stepping into the room and drawing the curtain back to give them some privacy.

“Same as I was feeling when I got here. Maybe a little nauseous, but that’s probably just nerves.”

“Perfectly understandable,” she answered. She cleared her throat lightly before stepping closer towards the bed and glancing at Sebastian. “Well I’ve just gotten your test results back, and I’d like to go over them with you if you’re ready. Would you prefer to do this alone?”

“No,” Killian said, gripping at Sebastian’s hand. “He can stay.”

Dr. Riley smiled and returned to her chart. “Okay. Well first thing’s first, you’re healthy. I know given your family history there was concern that some of your symptoms might be tied to coronary artery disease, but your CT scan came back clear.”

Killian nodded quickly. “And the blood work?”

Eyes quickly flashed over to Sebastian again before Dr. Riley lowered her chart and spoke as softly as she could. “The blood work is a bit more interesting. I apologize, since I’m not sure if this is good news or bad news for you. But Ms. Benitez, you’re pregnant.”

\---

Ten weeks.

They called a cab to get back to the hotel once the appointment was done. Neither of them were in any condition to drive; they’d just have to come back for Killian’s car in the morning. They sat apart from each other in the backseat, staring out at the passing lights of the city as their driver swerved through traffic. He tried to chat with them a little to ask what brought them into town, but they didn’t have anything to say to him. Eventually he got the hint and cranked up the radio to fill the silence. When the hotel’s doorman reached out to help Killian out of the cab, Sebastian could see that her hand was shaking. He was shaking too.

Ten weeks.

Killian locked herself in the bathroom when they got to their suite. When she started to run water for the bath, Sebastian slunk out to the balcony and smoked. The mid-December air was freezing so high up, especially now that the sun was down, but he couldn’t feel it. He was too numb all over. He watched the traffic churn along on the roads below for what felt like hours. This city was his favorite place in the world – it was a shame he wouldn’t get the chance to enjoy it this time around. His phone started vibrating. Sam was asking him to bring back a souvenir.

Ten fucking weeks.

Killian had been expecting a pregnancy, not that she’d told Sebastian so until maybe a week ago. How she’d let him keep coming over and think that everything was normal, he had no idea. There had been nausea, apparently. And then there was dizziness and stomach pains and a very worrying lack of periods, and finally she decided to speak up about it. Sebastian hadn’t slept right since that conversation. He assumed that she had talked to her other hookups about it too, just to cover her bases, which meant that Sam and Abigail probably knew and just weren’t saying anything. They didn’t know about him and Killian; somehow they’d been able to keep hooking up for the past six months without anybody catching on. And for whatever reason, he was the one that she had asked to come with her to the doctor. They couldn’t go to Harvey’s – not when the people in town talked the way they did at the slightest whiff of news, and definitely not when his own sister was the nurse who’d be helping with the test.

A light turned on behind him and Sebastian turned to see Killian stepping out of the bathroom. Her hair was wrapped up in a towel and she was wearing one of the white terry cotton robes that the hotel staff had left for them. Sebastian watched her, shuffling around the room looking for her phone, and wished that he was better prepared. He had no idea where to go from here, or what to say to her. His head was an unhelpful swirl of fear and stress and confusion, and he was in no real position to helpful. Why in the hell had she wanted him of all people to come with her to get the news? He was useless at being supportive, and she knew that. But there wasn’t much he could do about it now. He was here, they were alone, and she was pregnant.

Ten weeks pregnant.

Fuck.

Sebastian turned back to look down at the street while he finished his smoke. It was his third of the night. At this point the nicotine itself wasn’t even doing anything to calm his nerves, but there was something comforting about the mechanical motions of it all—lighting the cigarette, building up the smoke, feeling it fill his lungs before he let it roll out between his lips—that kept him from absolutely losing his mind. If he was home he would circle the lake before finding a good spot to sit and think, but he didn’t know this part of the city well enough to comfortably wander. And besides, he couldn’t very well leave Killian alone in the hotel. He wasn’t an expert at comforting people, but he knew enough to know that she would probably prefer if he stayed close.

Eventually he decided he’d had enough of the cold and rubbed out the end of his cigarette on the banister, tossing the butt end onto the ground by his feet. He rubbed his hands together to try to force some feeling in his fingers again before pushing aside the glass door and walking back inside. Killian was lying underneath the covers of their bed, staring blankly at her phone. She’d taken the towel off, and her curls were spread out damp and loose across her pillow. She looked up at Sebastian as he walked inside but didn’t say anything; she had been incredibly blunt with him in the week leading up to this about the chances of her being pregnant, but it didn’t seem like that had shielded her from the shock of hearing it confirmed. Despite her bravado, they had both been fooling themselves.

Sebastian sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at the beautiful, vibrant girl he’d spent the past six months chasing around. He wished to Yoba that he knew her better than he did, if only to know how to make her feel better.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

“Take a guess.”

“Shitty?”

“Bingo.” Killian shifted under the covers to look at Sebastian better. “What about you?”

“I don’t even know,” Sebastian admitted. “This is crazy. I guess I just have a lot of questions.”

“Okay, I can do questions. Ask me something.”

Sebastian took a breath before asking anything. There was plenty they needed to talk about, but one question in particular had been looming at the forefront of his mind for days. It was in poor taste, he was sure, but he needed to know.

He balled his hand into a fist before asking, “Listen, I don’t want to say it, but...is it mine? Like, you know for sure?”

The look that Killian shot him was proof enough that he probably shouldn’t have said anything at all. “Yoba, are you seriously trying to dump the responsibility off on someone else right now? Why would I ask you to come for this if it was someone else’s?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well it’s yours.”

“I’m not trying to start anything. I just – obviously I’m going to want to be sure. We’re not exclusive. What about Sam?”

“Sam and I aren’t sleeping together,” she shot back. “And Abigail’s not really at risk of being the father, if that’s not obvious.”

Sebastian blinked. “You and Sam aren’t sleeping together?”

Silence and a scowl.

“And there’s no one else? Not Shane or Alex or anything?”

“No,” she said curtly. “You’re the only guy I’ve had sex with since August. It’s yours.”

The words felt hollow as she said them, but Sebastian was struck with a dull sense of pride at the realization that he had been Killian’s only guy on the line without even realizing it. He’d spent so much time overanalyzing all of her interactions with all the single people in town that he’d simply assumed that she was involved with more people than she was letting on. That feeling of pride was quickly tamped down by the weight of the news in front of them, however.

“So what happens now, then? Do you—or we, I guess—make an appointment? How much does a...procedure cost?”

“A procedure?” she asked thinly.

“You know what I’m talking about.” He didn’t want to say the word out loud. In some way, saying it out loud would make it feel too real, even though this was clearly real regardless of how he decided to frame things. “I mean, that’s what you’re thinking about doing, right?”

Killian gave a small nod, looking away from Sebastian to stare at the lamp on the nightstand. She spoke without looking at him. “Yeah. I guess so. We can’t take care of a kid.”

If Killian couldn’t take care of a child, Sebastian sure as hell couldn't. He was only just now getting the hang of taking care of himself. But it still felt wrong to agree with her; this was Killian’s decision to make, not his.

“If you don’t want to get — you know, _it_  — there’s always adoption,” he offered.

“So that everyone in town knows that not only did I get myself pregnant like an idiot, I also pawned it off to a stranger because I’m not even good enough to raise it myself?”

“There’s nothing wrong with adoption.”

“I know that, but that’s what people would say.”

“Not necessarily.”

Killian scoffed. “Really? Because George made a comment about my generation being ‘too loose’ once he heard that I was still dating around after Alex, and Pam won’t let me within five feet of Penny without warning me to keep my hands to myself. Like I’m out here seducing everyone in town.”

“You seduced me,” Sebastian teased.

She rolled her eyes and kicked him lightly. “Not helpful. But seriously, Pelican Town pounces on the slightest bit of gossip and runs it into the ground. They’d lose their collective minds if they found out I was an,” she paused for a dramatic gasp, “unwed mother. I can just hear Lewis saying it out loud with that ‘what would your grandpa think’ pout. And besides, do you really want all the attention of being the guy who knocked me up?”

Sebastian practically shuddered at the thought. He could only imagine what his friends would say, let alone his family. They already thought he was a fuck-up; they didn’t need the extra ammunition.

“You’re right,” he admitted. “And I guess being pregnant would fuck up your work on the farm.”

“More like end my work on the farm,” Killian said as she buried her face back in the pillow. “I’m an aching mess on a good day out there. I can’t work a harvest while I’m pregnant. So goodbye to any income while that’s going on, I guess.”

“I can help you with money if it comes to that. If you decide to keep it, I mean.”

“That’s sweet, but you’re just as strapped for cash as I am.”

“I can always take more jobs.”

“Enough to cover my medical bills? And farm upkeep? And food and baby stuff and whatever else comes up? By the time spring harvest rolls around I’m going to be basically out of commission, and who knows how long it’ll be until I’m totally ready to go back to work after giving birth. Are you really willing to take on all that responsibility over a baby you don’t even want? Or for me?”

Sebastian didn’t know what to say. Everything she was saying made perfect sense, but he still felt the instinct to give pushback. It’s not like he even wanted a kid–that would screw up his life plans beyond belief–but he didn’t want Killian to think that she didn’t have options. Sensing his uncertainty, she levelled him with a sympathetic look.

“I’m not trying to be combative, Seb. I’m just scared.”

“I get that. I am too.”

She gave him a small smile that didn’t reach her eyes and sat up, swinging her legs over the bed. “I texted my sister Moira earlier. She’s going to come pick me up in a bit so we can talk about all this. It’s probably going to take a while. Are you okay to hang out here on your own tonight?”

_Absolutely fucking not._

But that’s not what he said. Instead he let her go and spent the night wondering how in the hell things had gotten so complicated.

\---

Killian was awake and watching television when Sebastian opened his eyes in the morning. He was mildly surprised to see that she had come back at all last night - she’d been right in predicting that she would be out late with Moira. Sebastian had been planning on staying up to wait for her, but by the time two in the morning rolled around he decided that he’d paced around the room more than enough. He downed some of the whiskey from the room’s minibar and forced himself to get some rest. He slept right through the night.

“Hey,” he said, voice creaky from sleep. Killian looked him over and smiled to herself. She always got a laugh out of his morning hair; it was nice to see that at least some things hadn’t changed.

“Morning. Did you sleep okay?”

Sebastian groaned and sat up. “Fine. How was your sister?”

“Good,” she said with a nod. “Good. We had a lot to talk about.”

“I bet. Anything worth sharing?”

“Yeah, actually. So listen,” she said with a sigh. “We stayed up really late talking everything over and running through all my options. And I think I changed my mind.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think...that I want to keep it.”

Sebastian froze, eyes locked on Killian’s. “Okay.”

Killian didn’t speak up to fill the silence that ensued and neither did Sebastian.

“Any thoughts on that other than just ‘okay,’ Seb?” she finally pressed.

“I don’t know. What, ah, changed your mind?”

“Moira, mostly. She’s going to support me no matter what I do, obviously, but I guess I just needed to talk to someone who really knows me.”

“I don’t know you?”

“Not like my sister does,” she answered, raising her eyebrows slightly. “But anyway, she has two girls. I’ve mentioned them before, Tara and Amy. So Moira knows about pregnancy and raising babies and just – she can help me. I can’t do this on my own, but after thinking it through I don’t want to run away from it either. If Moira’s willing to help me out then maybe this is all a sign.”

“What kind of sign?”

“That this whole farming experiment - moving out to the valley at all? It was a mistake.”

“Oh.” Sebastian tensed at that. He knew she didn’t mean it, but there was a distinct feeling that when she said that moving was a mistake, she really meant that he was a mistake. “And so what does that mean?”

“It means,” she said hesitantly, “that Moira offered to let me move in with her, and I think I’m going to do it.”

“What?”

Killian was watching Sebastian like she was trying to gauge his reaction, but he could only guess at what his expression looked like. She began to pick at her fingernail nervously as she spoke.

“Her husband James is deploying soon, so she’ll need help with her own kids anyway, and she wouldn’t feel right letting me go through my first pregnancy alone. I was around for both of hers. I can’t manage the farm and live alone and have a kid. But out here in the city with my sister –that’s my only real shot at doing this right. I feel like I have to take it.”

Sebastian felt shell-shocked and completely at a loss for words. Out of all possible outcomes for their situation, Killian moving away had never occurred to him.

“I thought you loved the farm.”

“I do,” she said quickly, “and it's going to absolutely kill me to leave. But it’s lonely, and it’s hard work. It’s only going to get lonelier and harder if I’m there raising a kid by myself out there. If I could find a way to stay on the farm I would, but it's just not realistic.”

“Since when do you want to have children, anyway?”

Her tone was defensive. “I’ve always wanted a family. In like a far-off sense. Obviously I wasn’t looking for any right now, but I always assumed I’d have kids one day. But I’m pregnant _now_ , so maybe sooner is better than later.”

Sebastian took his time with his next question, fearing the answer more than he wanted to admit. “So when you move – if you move, what does that mean? For us.”

“It means that you’re basically in the clear,” she said. Her tone was slightly confused, as if she was surprised that he’d even asked. “I’m not going to harangue you for money or anything, Seb. I can take care of myself. I won’t even tell anybody that it’s your kid, if that’s what you want.”

This was too much. Entirely too fucking much. In the span of about a day he’d found out that his not-quite girlfriend was pregnant and he was now getting not-quite broken up with. Right now there was a ten week old not-quite baby growing in Killian’s stomach, which was a fact that almost no one but them knew. Today, right at this moment, he had Killian, but pretty soon he wouldn’t. It was a disconcerting limbo to be in, and he didn’t really understand how to go about processing it. But he figured that cold air and some some distance from this conversation might help.

Sebastian stood up without another word and went to go look for his clothes. Killian watched in confusion as he got dressed.

“Seb, what’s up?”

He didn’t answer, instead tugging on his winter coat and heading out the door. She called after him, louder this time, but he didn’t turn back around. He shoved his hands in his pockets and then before he knew it he was standing on the street corner hailing a taxi. It didn’t matter where he was going as long as he was moving, and he had no real expectation for when he was coming back. It's not that he was trying to be dramatic by storming out, but he had always been awful at taking bad news gracefully. Maybe if he just had some time alone, time to think, he could come up with just the right words to say to fix everything.

He got as far as five blocks before changing his mind and having the driver pull over and let him out.

 _Stop running_ , he told himself as he started walking back to the hotel. _Face your shit._

Driving off and moping somewhere in the city wasn’t going to help him _or_ Killian. He wasn’t going to be that guy anymore. He’d done enough of avoiding his problems, and it only made him miserable.

He liked Killian, probably even loved her. He couldn’t be sure—not when he’d never been in love before and didn’t know how it was supposed to feel—but he knew that losing her would throw him into a tailspin. He’d gotten too reliant on her over the past six months; he couldn’t imagine going back to a life where he didn’t get to see her every day and kiss her and hold her and just be with her. She made him laugh, she grounded him when he got too in his head, and she was about to leave and take all that away.

He knew what he had to do.

Killian was still sitting on the bed when Sebastian got back. She had a hot cup of tea in her hands and the covers were pulled over her lap.

“Hey,” she said warily. “Where did you go?”

“Took a cab.”

“Why–”

“Marry me.”

Killian stopped mid-sentence, cup still poised at her lips. She blinked and sat up straight, confusion painting all of her features. “What?” she asked, voice dropped low to a whisper as if she was trying to be secretive.

Sebastian didn’t mirror her tone. He spoke as clearly as he ever had. “You heard me. Let’s have this kid and get married.”

Killian looked at Sebastian as if he’d lost his mind, although her eyes glanced down to her stomach at the mention of the ‘kid.’

“Seb, what’s going on? Is this a joke?”

“No way. I’m dead serious.”

“Then explain to me why getting married and raising a kid together isn’t a batshit insane idea?”

“You don’t think we could do it?”

“Why would I?” she asked incredulously. “We’re friends who have sex sometimes. We’ve never even been out on an actual date and now you want to get married?”

“We’ve had dates.”

“Meeting up for a quickie in the saloon storage closet isn’t a date.”

“Fine, then let’s go on dates. I’ll take you on one right now. But we should get married.”

“Why? Why do we need to get married?”

“Because it’s either we commit and try to make things work or you leave. So then I, what? Stay in my fucking basement and think about how good I had it with you while you run around raising our kid on your own? I don’t want to do that. I can’t do that shit.”

Killian’s fists were clutching at the comforter and she still looked borderline offended. Sebastian could sympathize. She’d been awake for less than an hour and she’d just been proposed to. She definitely deserved a better proposal than this one—from a better person than Sebastian was—but this is what she had to work with now. What _they_ had to work with. Sebastian felt amped up, on edge, more exhilarated than he’d ever been about anything. Killian was scared, but that was okay. He just needed to show her that he was serious.

He crossed to the bed, sitting down next to her.

“Is this because of what I said about raising it on my own?” she asked. “You can be a part of its life if you want, Seb. I just didn’t think you’d want anything to do with it. But you don’t need to be married to me to be a dad.”

“I know, but I don’t want to do weekend visits and splitting holidays and shit like that. I did that with my dad and I hated it. I can be better than that.”

Killian watched him, brows pulled together as she tried to work through everything that was being thrown at her. The comment about Sebastian’s father seemed to make her pause, and the next time she spoke it was with more care.

“This isn’t like you, Seb,” she said quietly. “You’re not this impulsive.”

“You’re just bringing it out in me, I think. I’ve never felt this way about another person before. I’m happy when you’re around. I can’t lose that. I don’t like who I was before I met you.”

“Okay, but there’s a difference between hooking up for a couple months and being married,” Killian insisted. “Not to mention being a parent. Seriously, I don’t think you’ve thought about this all the way through.”

“We can figure it out,” Sebastian said firmly. “You’ll be a good mom.”

Killian wasn’t crying, but she seemed like anything else was going to push her over the edge. When she spoke, her voice was shaky.

“You don’t know that. You don’t even really know me.”

“I know you better than I know almost anybody. And even if I don’t know everything about you I want to learn.”

Sebastian had never laid his feelings out this openly before. Probably because he’d never wanted something as desperately as he did right now. This was probably all a really bad idea, but he felt like he at least owed it to himself to take that risk. He had always shirked from the idea of commitment, but something about Killian made him want to try.

“Listen,” he continued, “I’ve never wanted kids, and I’ve never really even wanted to get married. But I seriously think we can do this. Tell me that you don’t have feelings for me and I’ll drop it. Just say that this was only about hooking up for you, and you don’t care about never seeing me again.”

She set her mug down and stared at the bed cover. “I can’t say that," she said softly. "I do care about you. A lot. I have for a while now, I guess I was just — I don't know, too stubborn to admit it.”

A wave of relief washed over him at that bit of acknowledgement, but he didn’t take the time to bask in it. Instead he kept pushing. “Seriously, Kil. You want to stay on the farm and you want to have the kid, but you’re worried about people judging you for being single and you’re scared of not having help. We fix all of that by getting married. No one can say shit to you about being a single mom, and you have me. I can help you on the farm — I want to help you. Just let me try.”

Sebastian had been expecting a variety of things with the proposal. Cursing, sure. Tears, probably. An outright rejection, almost definitely. One thing he hadn’t braced himself was laughter. But after some more dazed staring and soft breathing, Killian started to smile. And then she was giggling, and then she was doubled over, outright laughing while tears streaked down her face. It wasn’t really happy laughter - it seemed more like laughter that was happening because it was the only thing left to do. Blindly, she reached her hand out to grasp at his, warm fingers curling around his own. She tried to wipe her eyes dry before looking up at Sebastian with an expression of almost terrified happiness.

“Okay,” she breathed out. “This is...crazy. But okay."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, seriously," she said with a breathless laugh. "I’ll marry you.”

\---

In the car on the drive back, Sebastian was struck with the distinct feeling that things were, for the first time in his life, finally going right. Killian was stretched out in the backseat and smiled whenever he glanced back at her. She was running her fingers along the still-flat surface of her stomach.

“Do you think it’s too early to start thinking about names?” he asked.

Her answer was immediate. “Cyrus. If it’s a boy.”

Sebastian laughed. “Something you’ve already thought about, huh?”

“It was my dad’s name,” Killian said softly, pushing a strand of hair away from her eyes. “After he died, Moira and I decided that whoever had a son first would name him that.”

“Cyrus.” Sebastian turned the word over, testing how it felt to hear it out loud. The name of his—maybe—future son. “I like it.”

So much for no strings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me procrastinating at https://palisadesucks.tumblr.com/
> 
> \---
> 
> FOR CLARIFICATION: You can refer to chapters 7 and 10 for confirmation that Cyrus is very cute, very loved, and very much not a dove. Details about Seb and Kil's (failed) efforts at parenthood will be explored, but I don't want anyone on the edge of their seats worrying about a miscarriage or a magic ritual. <3


End file.
